Several Actually

I was cleaning out my garage and found an old box with a weekly planner from 1995.  The year of my father's death.  I had lost my Mother to Cancer years before at the insecure age of 16.  I was now 29 and had 2 children of my own.  In a difficult and not aware yet that my husband is a Narcisist.  I had just gone through my second child birth and had to have Cancerous cells removed from my Uterous six weeks after child birth.    I was struggling in many ways during that year.  I found this poem.  I wrote it when I first found out my father's Cancer had returned for the second time.  For all you out there that know......if you get past the five year mark things are good.  If not..most likely you lost the battle. here it is.....


Why am I so angry?
because I feel alone
Why am I so angry?
because I feel abandonded
Why am I so angry
because of so many reasons
life's not fair, it's just life
pain and suffering
loss and loniliness
sure a few laughs here and there
but still back to life
I used to have a positve view
and that has turned around
my fathers life that is so dear
I am now seeing as fading
CANCER  there is that word again
which has caused me all my pain
CANCER is that word I hear
again and again and again
16 yrs old and it had little meaning
until it took my Mom
Now that WORD means pain and ANGER
until this very day
My Dad has battled long and hard
to have it appear again
He see's hope and future plans
I see death and pain
I wish I could be like him
after all he has been through
but life has caused me so little joy
that anger just takes over
I fake I hide all my true feelings
I have no one to expose them too
You see..I'm strong to all who see me
I can't let them see my pain
I can help everyone else
I can console and sooth all others
except to myself I'm no use
what good am I then
my daughter..who is so beautiful and strong
will be different from me I know
she has hope and life and joy ahead
me.......I have so much anger.
flodials flodials
41-45, F
May 15, 2012