I Miss You

Recently (precisely a month ago today) my best friend Becca died. She had cancer (osteosarcoma and acute lymphoblastic leukemia) but the worst part is she died because she stayed out in the wind too long.

Basically, what happened was that she stopped responding to treatment in February, and they stopped giving her treatment in June when they realized they couldn't do anything anymore. So from then, we all started doing a bunch of things (thank God for summer) being that we figured it was now or never.

Anyhow, what I hate the most besides stupid cancer is the fact that she died of a cold. Two weeks before she died (the last few weeks of July) we had a camp out at the beach. I knew she was tired and could tell the weather was getting colder, but I didn't push her to go into the house because of how happy she looked. She was usually a happy person even with everything going on, but this was one of the few times she was truly, utterly, hands down HAPPY. She was so content and I didn't have it in me to cut it short. I regret that now though, cause maybe if I did she would still be alive. That night was her birthday, so we had a blast the entire weekend.

She ended up contracting a common cold, and from there the cold quickly turned into walking pneumonia within four days. Within 15 days she died in the hospital. I really miss her a lot.

Becca was my bestie- my other half. She was the only person I could be 100% honest with. I wouldn't have to lie to make her happy, and I could tell her anything. What I loved most though was that she could tell me everything as well. We knew each other better than the most worn-out books on the planet. When she died I know I lost an extremely big part of me.

I cry every time I think of her. Even now I'm starting to bawl my eyes out- but I really miss her. For her funeral, she had wrote me a letter of what she wanted- I wish she typed out it, for maybe then I'd still be able to read it (basically I cried so hard while reading it that all the ink smeared). Being who she is, she tried to make me feel better about the situation- guess she knew what was coming. She specifically told me that I was to be giving a eulogy, and that I was to make sure every single person laughed and either hated or loved me by the end of the service- well, that definitely happened. At least there were practically no tears of sadness after my eulogy. However, it was the hardest thing I've ever written. I almost couldn't even say it. I had to leave right after the eulogy, I just couldn't stay any longer. The worst part is that I couldn't even stay for her burial.

The minute I was done I started to cry my heart out. I waited at the back of the funeral home for everyone to leave. I watched as they lowered her, yet I still didn't go until the very last person left. I remember walking up to her grave, sitting down again and just crying. Not a day goes by that I don't think of it. Honestly, if it weren't for the amazing friend I met around this same time, I really don't think I could've gone on as well as I have. I'm not saying I'm suicidal (okay, maybe just a little) but honestly, friends and family- just love in general- has really been a big part in me being able to go on.

I still really miss her, but in a way I like it better this way since I know she's no longer suffering. **** You Cancer. I can't wait for the day that all cancer is either curable, or highly treatable to the point of it being nonexistent. If it's one person who comes up with said cure and treatment, I will kidnap that man and marry him (and if it's a woman I guess I'll be turning lesbian, for I will DEFINITELY marry said person). If it's a team of people, I guess I'm going to believe in polygamy, for I'm marrying each and every one of them- or maybe just one of them, while being a a civil union/ relationship with the rest. LOL, I'm only partially joking... I'm mostly serious.

I just want anyone else going to this ordeal of cancer and having to deal with the loss and pain it brings, I just want you to know to hold on a little longer (if that even made sense- I'm freaking exhausted from crying so hard). Anyway, just stay strong, and think of someone you know will need or want you in their life. Use that person as your life-line. Think of making them happy, and try your hardest to never let go or give up for their sake. You are important. Never ever believe other wise, and remember to Never. Ever. Give. Up. Always remember to Fight Like Hell, and to S^2C.
amodelaviola amodelaviola
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 5, 2012

I know what you're going through, despite being only 16 (almost 17) and I've known this girl since childhood, almost 3 years ago me & my family had to go to another country because of the job oppertunities and such so we couldnt hangout anymore. We never stopped talking to each other though, everyday we spent atleast 3 hours just talking none stop, till 9 months ago I tried to call her but she never answered & didn't hear from her for about a week then I decided to call her parents, and they told me that she went out the other night & never came back, they called the police and they even waited for a ransom call and all the other stuff but no one ever called or heard news of her till this day. After what happened I couldn't feel close to anyone again, never had a friend/gf yet and I dont think that I can feel the same about anyone.<br />
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People have always mistaken us for a couple but she was more than a sister to me, I still think about her everyday, and whenever I go to the beach or see anything remotely connected to it I rememebr her cause we always used to meet there and that's where we spent most of our time together.<br />
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I hide my grief well, but every now & then I go t my room & cry, things just aren't the same with out her.<br />
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I <3 you Dana, I'll never forget you.

I like this because I feel like I can really relate to it but I want to dislike it at the same time because I don't like what happened :/

just a few days ago, another friend of mine who has cancer was released on hospice. In front of other people I can do pretty well, act nearly normal, but I've cried so much when I'm by myself that I actually got an infection in my jaw from my tears (as weird as that sounds). I don't know what I'll do if he dies (no way am I saying when he dies).

I'm sorry for your loss, though, and hope that you can someday get close to people again.

I'm so sorry that happened to you! I kind of know what its like because my best friend (A dog) died this summer too. I bet it was not as hard as it was for you but if you want to talk about it, i'm here. (Just saying that to be nice... I know you wont talk to a complete stranger) I wish you all the luck in the world and remember you may be stuck in that moment when she died but you can always get unstuck. Good Luck(:

Sorry about your dog, losing an animal/ pet sucks nearly as much as losing a (human) friend does. Thanks though (haha, I actually would talk to a complete stranger just because I enjoy talking to people-unless you were a creepy *********).

*a creepy pedobear