Not Again...

So... I lost someone I loved to cancer... again. Honestly, this really, really, REALLY @#$@#$ SUCKS. I'm angry but really, I'm just so sad and emotionally distraught. Barely a month ago I lost my best friend. She was my other half, and one of the best people I've ever known. So what, I'm only 16, I'm honestly having the hardest time of my life right now. I haven't known him all that long, and I know what I'm experiencing must be menial (is that the right word to use? I'm so lost right now I don't even know, or care) anyway, it must be nothing compared to what they're all going through.
Gardner was one of the most caring, amazing people I've ever met. I wish I could've known him longer- I wish he were still physically here with us. Although I may have never met him in person, and we just talked online and texted each other a lot, I could tell him anything, and he could do the same. He helped me move on from the loss of my best friend Becca, but now that he's gone it's like a double-whamy.
One of the many things that really saddens me is that his kids now have to grow up without him. Yes, they have an AMAZING mom- I may not know her personally, but Oksana (his gf, their mom) seems like an amazing person and I really do admire her. It just saddens me that now they'll grow up not knowing, personally, how amazing Gardner is. It hurts every time to speak of things in the past, I can't handle it.
Well, what also saddens me is that I wish I could've said good-bye, or just heard his voice once before he left. I haven't spoken to him in nearly over a week, and I never will again. I know people may think I'm over-reacting, but honestly, I feel like my heart is breaking in two all over again. So what if we've never met in person, or heard each other's voices; he was one of my best friends, and he helped me get through one of the hardest times of my life. Also, him leaving is like a hit of deja vu for me. I never got to tell my best friend bye before she left. It was so sudden, and I had blamed myself for it. Long story short, Gardner helped me through it, and... I'm so lost right now, I'm probably not even making sense.
I don't understand how the best people I've ever met, are no longer able to do all that they wanted to do. I would honestly gladly give my life if it meant that both of them could overcome their cancer and live the rest of their lives.
It's these two important people of my life that motivate me to keep going on. Again, I'm not being dramatic, or over emotional or whatever else you might say. I'm being serious. I want to either be an oncologist (probably pediatric) or a pharmacist for oncology, and I will become a part of the team and efforts of many in the world to fight cancer.
Something I heard from a cancer survivor was, "Many people have dreams. As for me, I don't have dreams anymore... I have goals." Well, that goes for me as well. It is my goal to fight cancer for all those suffering from whatever it brings them, and it is a goal that I will go to any length to achieve. I'll try my best to be happy, or at least to live life to the fullest because none of us really know how long we have. We can be told we have only so long to live, but miracles happen everyday. People out-live predictions their Doctors gave them, people are able to become a survivor of cancer... as for me, I just want to get through life, but I want to make sure that I make a hell of a difference- especially in the world of cancer.
Never Ever Give Up, please. Anyone battling cancer, and loved ones suffering along with them, remember to always try your hardest to fight it. Fight Like Hell!! One day, and hopefully someday soon, there will be a cure, or at least a better solution, for cancer. To all the valiant angels who've fought their cancer, that day will be for you. At least you're all in a better place now, so I hope. A place where you no longer need to suffer, or worry. A place where you can enjoy and have fun.
<3 team Solly forever!! <3 <3 <3
amodelaviola amodelaviola
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 14, 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss but please read my story called mom. Remember it's gonna get better I promise! 🏆