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If Only I Could Play God For A Day..

i see all these post's about how they can't find love or how they have found and can't get enough. well i used to be one of the 'all nighter's' on facebook and a non-stop talker on the phone. all of this was because of one man in my life that i have loved for almost two years. we had a on and off relationship and had just finally fixed everything to where we knew for sure without a shadow of a doubt we would last forever and nothing was going to stop us from having our happy ever after together. the thing we did not know is that god had other plans than for us to last. it was a cold chilly tuesday morning and i had just got off the bus. i saw my two friends standing waiting on me and that kind of alerted me something was up. the principal came to my bus and ushered me and my brother off into his office claiming i had some mess ups in my schedule. so me and my brother followed him into his office and sat down. after a while the principal came in and started talking to me. i was on edge and wondering where the love of my life was right then and thinking "oh no i won't get my morning time with him". then my alarm was really brought up when my mother and cousin came into the room. i saw the solemn expression on their faces and just thought maybe one of my animals had died but then my mother said "caitlin i am sorry honey but caleb died this morning". that was the one thing i never expected to hear come out of her mouth. ever. i was devastated. my first thought was to jump up and punch them all in the face and say it was some kind of sick joke. really that is what my mind stayed on for a while until his viewing and funeral. all i could do at the viewing was hold a hand over my mouth to muffle my cries and pet his beautiful hair and touch his cold face. i was willing him in my mind to jump up and say it was a joke that this was his way of making sure i truly loved him. as i have said so many times before to god, i would give up everything to have my baby back. not a day has went by that my love wavered in it's strength. it has almost been three months and i still feel a deep ache in my chest and the sting of tears at the backs of my eyes. like an idiot i was in denial still and partially some how still am. i have so many sleepless nights with dreams of him embracing me in his loving arms. even as i write i cry in pure sadness at the fact i lost him. i sometimes think i am going insane because i want to talk to him and i sing to him outside telling him how i miss him with every breath i take and wonder why god left me here to suffer on without you. i used to be an unwavering christian but with everything i have been through i think god hates me with all the hell he puts me through. my mother says "you look beautiful today". and all i can think is what does it matter when the person you wish could see you is in the ground six feet under slowly rotting away? the only person that gave a damn about you longer than two months and was willing to fight to keep you is gone. the one that would fulfill all your needs and wants and would give you the world if he could no longer exists. that fiery passion that burns so deep inside you is gone with only scorch marks in your heart where it used to be.that song he sung you to sleep with, you can't even bare to think of the lyrics.when you wear a jacket you remember why your not wearing his and that is because it is neatly folded up in your back pack so no one will look at you differently even though they do. your the girl they whisper about when you cry in the bathroom stalls. your teacher pity's you because she hates someone your age went through something so adult like as the loss of a fiance. you lost three other family members but it did not even effect you because you were so numb and hurt already that you had no room to feel sorrow for anyone else being gone. the loss of the man you loved consumed you completely and left no room for any other sorrow. other people say "it is alright you'll pull through. i mean i lost my mom and i am still here". you try to be quiet as you cry in your room so your mother won't worry. you try crying at school but only have people worry even more. you have flashbacks constantly of him and how things used to be. how he shoved you up against the wall and bit your arm. how he always walked you to class even if he was late. how he would write your name and his on his arms in red pen. how when your arm was hurt from your tendonitis he refused to let you carry anything on your own including your back pack. how you cuddled up to his arm even as you walked because you could not stand a moment without hugging up to him. how just painting your nails reminds you of him. walking in the gym is even worse since that is where all the dance's for the school were held. you can't go to foot ball games or even sit in your car without thinking of him because of the date where you had to pick him up and take him since he did not have a ride. how he begged his dad to let him stay longer and longer at the dances because he did not want to leave. how after he left from the dance all you did was lay on the floor thinking of what wonderful conversations you would have with him once you got home. the genre of music you know he liked makes you cry. his favorite band is only popping up in your mind making you hate it. school is just a reminder of what used to be and you dread every day you wake up because you know you have no choice but to go there and walk where you and him used to walk and hold hands. you fight with yourself on whether or not to even change clothes because you honestly don't even care for your own health. you almost hope for sickness in the thought that maybe this one will be a killer so you can be with him in heaven. you write day in and day out hoping he can see that you still care and that you still love him. you want to sleep by his grave but know that if you did you would only scream at it in hopes he would rise or that you would want to crawl inside the casket with him to sleep eternally with him there. it sickens you to see a baby that resembles what yours and his would have looked like because you know that you will never be able to bare his child like you had hoped. you loathe the fact that now your whole future has to change because that man that you loved and talked to and thought about non-stop is no longer able to be a part of it except in your heart and soul and mind. the hand he always held sometimes closes like it is trying to grip his. you sometimes dream of him still being here and wake up wondering if you finally woke up from your nightmare but then realize it was only a dream and that your reality was what you just awoke into. that bottle of old asthma medicine is looking more and more tempting every second of the day because it is such and easy way out. you don't pay attention in school anymore because you think what is the point. you can't even look at your phone because that part that misses him wonders why he hasn't called in a while. you try to find some one else to love but no matter what they are only second place in comparison to him. anytime you hug another guy it almost takes you back to hugging him. when sitting in a restaurant you look in the empty seat beside you or in front of you and wonder why it is empty and remember the reason it is that way. the only people who understand your pain are your grandmothers and how they lost your grandpa but all you can think is that they at least got all those years together. you and him only had a year and a half together instead of the seventy or seventy five you had hoped for. you know how you wanted to die in his arms well that is not possible now because he is already dead except for that little piece of him you have in your heart. your eyes stay red and people pity you without even saying a word. it is in their eyes and their presence. you can tell by the way they act that they know about your past even if you did not want them to. you don't want pity or anyone to say i am sorry for your loss. you just want him back but all you can do is smash your skull against brick and say why? that is all you can do because you don't have anymore power than that. if you could play god for a day all you would do is change the fact you lost him.
Caitlinsmith1636 Caitlinsmith1636 18-21, F 7 Responses Nov 25, 2012

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Hey Catilin. I lost my little cousin some years ago. She was only 7 but i loved her to death. I was about 12 so i did not know why she dissapread at first. Just talking about it makes me sad. My father told me she did not look good in the end. As much as i'd want to see her, i don't think i could if she was as bad looking as she was. Hope your feeling better by now, hugs from Norway :)

Hello Caitlin, I know what you are going through and it is very hard I watch my love be put to rest yesterday on his Birthday. I am hurting to bad not having him here anymore and don't know if I can move on.

Damn that breaks my heart. I've lost others too, but your loss makes mine feel hollow in comparison. I couldn't even finish reading the story because I could feel the pain in your heart through your words.

I know it sucks. I know you will never be the same as before. However you will live and become stronger and you will never forget him but you will find love again. It just won't be the same kind of love, but it will be love. Of this I promise you.

hugs. i am doing better, i can't read this story without falling to pieces. i agree, i will never love anyone like i loved him. its hard to learn to deal with the best you can find in a relationship when you know you had so much better. and none of your boyfriends get why they can't have all your love, why you can't fully let go. i still have his jacket and it smells like him, but i can't touch it or look at it without crying. part of the reason im better is because i hold it in.

Your still moving through the process of grieving and that's OK. It's a long hard road and you'll make it through. One day you will be able to re-read this story without crying and that you'll be able to touch and wear his jacket again with pride and love and be able to love fully once more.

It might not be the same love but that doesn't make it any more or less real or full.

very true. i think i'll always cry about him no matter how long it is. its already been almost a year. so i don't know how much i'll get okay with it. but i hope i can hold a relationship at least.

Psychologists say that the grieving process takes 4 years.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

Something to read and see where you sit on that. I hope it'll be enlightening.

thank you, i'll be sure to read it. hugs.

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Although I know nothing can bring him back--although, at times, I really wish I could--I know that he still loves you. And Kitty? Know that I never pity you. I never say "I'm sorry for your loss" (or something like that) unless I truly and honestly mean that; or I mean something else, and those are the only words that I can find that will suffice. I'll never understand exactly what it feels. And I won't try to, necessarily. I know I'll never find anyone to replace him. You never will, either. I'm here for you, though. Whether you need me or not. Whether you want me or not. That's all I have to offer, even if it does not suffice. <3 I love you, Kitty. And anything you ever do, I will most likely understand at least partially what you did, why you did it. Anything. And you know for a fact that I never judge you. EVER. Even though sometimes you've been reluctant to tell me things because you're afraid of how I will react, you've seen that I listen to you before I say anything, unless I have a question about what you just said, but that's beside the point. <3 X Infinity.

I sense a lot of pain...I've battled depression for 6 years now and can understand some of the issues you face...

Sleeping until noon because you don't have anything to look forward to.

Yearning for HS days but realizing you're too far removed from them to enjoy the way you once did.

You strike me as a candidate for grief counseling...

This is the type of story I wish I could embrace the author for mutual emotional relief...

I too wish i could hug you to show you i care. Its something you must learn to cope with. Its very hard, but you'll pull through. Promise.

I can not express in words how I even think or feel about this.........but I am left mortified to say the least.

Thank you for reading it, it means the world to me. I am sorry though that i have caused you to be mortified.

Sorry? I'm not sure I understand.....such things are simply overwhelming....I'm not sure why that could be your fault.....

I just feel responsible. If i would not have told you to read it then you would not have read it. I understand what you mean though.

I would embrace a life of experiences over running forever any day...no matter how much it hurts me......my worst fear is emptiness....I can not explain it much better than that....I just hope that makes sense.

It does, thank you again for reading my story &lt;3

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Im not sure what to say to you,except I hate what you are going through,and my heart goes out to you.I cme here to see who you were,and Im going straight back to add you.From wanting to chec who you were,Im now honoured and touched to be counted in your circle,andalthough Ive some excellent friends on EP,you will enrich my circle further.Good bless you,and thank you.

thank you god bless you as well.