He's Still Here

He's still here.

He lives less than a mile away from me.

It's worse than him dying.

We were friends for five years, from kindergarten to fifth grade.

We did everything together. I practically lived at his house. We were one person and shared everything with each other. His place was so much fun, and we helped each other through all of our troubles and struggles. He was so funny and made me smile all the time until my face hurt. We played in the sandbox that was the size of half my backyard (One time we flooded the whole freaking thing and got stuck in the mud!) and we played on his trampoline (My first flip happened there). As we got older we went on walks and our families gradually morphed into one. We helped each other with homework and just talked and played with his hermit crabs. 

In fifth grade, he dumped me, because he wanted guy friends instead of a stupid girl. Yeah, he said that to my face. I wanted to strangle him, but I just watched him walk out of my life. Suddenly, I had NO friends. I realized that he was all I had ever had. I cried for months. Girls suddenly realized that we had split up, and suddenly I was a part of all the girl talk. It was so hard. I was forced into this crazy place full of stupid girls who hated each other.

Luckily, I played competitive soccer, and hung out with the soccer girls, and reached out to other people. By mid-term of that year, I had a wide-ranged group of friends. But I still think of him, ALL of the time. I'm still obsessed, years later.

He affected me for life. Even now, I can't trust myself to have one close friend. I have many groups of friends that I can always turn to in a crisis. It may seem like a good life, but it's not all that it's cracked up to be, I swear. Sometimes it can be really lonely and sad.

I also still can't have any guy friends. Whenever I laugh with a guy or walk to class with one, I feel like my heart is being torn in two. None of them can ever amount to what He was to me for five years.

There are some good things. He taught me how to stick up for myself and what I believe in. I'm a really strong person now. I think that's something you usually learn the hard way.

I last saw him three months ago because our moms are friends. He had grown at least a foot, and his voice was deeper, and he was a lot more athletic. I miss him so much, and I want to talk to him. We will never be what we were before, but it would make my life if we could just be . . . friends.
sugarcoatedchainsaw sugarcoatedchainsaw
13-15, F
Dec 7, 2012