Never Lose Hope .. x

We all lost someone important or will lose someone.
Well, call me stupid, but when I was 16, never once did I think about death.
That year was a great year for me, I had good points at school, had awesome friends, etc.
We had a presentation for a subject about other religions and my friends and I got stuck with 'Death in Islam.' To be honest it was very interesting and that was the first time I thought about death. I have never lost anyone important before and thanked God for that.
I remember it was the beginning of june and my exams were about to start and that's when my parents were discussing something about my uncle. I asked what was up and they told me he was missing. I was shocked, but not scared of what was to come. I had to think about my exams and I knew he had a lot of problems in his life.
He was a man, so pure and innocent. He would help anyone he came across, he would give money to strangers he never met when they were alone and crying, yet he didn't have a lot of money himself. People used him, took all his money and left him and he couldn't understand why his 'friends' would do this to him. He also had problems with his wife who was cheating on him for some other guy.
I would chat with him daily, I would ask him so many questions, things I could never talk about with anyone else, not even people my own age. He would always give me good answers and was there for me in any situation. Yet he never told me about his problems, he told no one, only because he didn't want to be a burden to them.
Well as time flew, I was learning for my 'dutch exam' and that day, someone was ringing my doorbell like crazy and I grew irritated and told one of my brothers to see what was happening and it was my uncles and aunts. It was so noisy. I didn't really get it and waited until my brother came upstairs and he told me my uncle was dead. I just started to laugh, how could my uncle die? I just chatted with him two weeks ago. I told him he didn't hear right and I didn't know if my family was crying or laughing downstairs. I assumed they found him so I went downstairs to see and much to my suprise they were crying, except my mother she just gave me a glare and I ran back upstairs. I didn't know what to think, but one thing was true. My uncle was not dead. It wasn't possible.
Later on, I went to my mother and I asked her what was up. She just said they found my uncle, he was in a critical condition. He might not live. I was so shocked. Since that day my parents were never home. They were always at my grandparents's house. I saw my mother for 15 minutes a day and I would see my dad once in two days. I still had exams going on. I couldn't go to sleep. I called my cousin, who I saw as my sister and I felt like something was just not right. Both of us were to scared to sleep, as if my uncle would just appeare in my bedroom. Weird right? Well at the point it was just freaking scary and I prayed to God he would be all right.
I remember it was a Friday and my brother was on the computer, reading something my mother had written to the police. He said my uncle really was dead. But I still couldn't believe it. This was a joke and then my dad finally came home. I asked him if everything was all right with my uncle and he said he was much better. My dad even talked to him. I felt so happy. Like God really answerd my calls.
Sunday came, I was studying for French (blah) and I got a phone call from my cousin. She told me my uncle really was dead. No lie. I knew she would never lie to me. I waited for my parents to come back home and the first thing I asked what if he was dead and they said 'yes.' I couldn't believe how life could turn into hell in a blink of an eye. I just stood there perplex, with tears and I just didn't know what to do with my life anymore. They lied to me, giving me false hope that everything would be better so that I would concentrate on my exam. I tried my best to study and it was hard, but I managed it. I had one more exam to go.
I wanted to know what happend and I heard so many different stories. But one thing was sure, the Police found him in the Schelde river in Antwerp, he had a big winter jacket on in the summer and stayed underwater for a week and now he was all bloated, floating on water. That's how they found him.
His wife and her new lover did this to him and the question still remained why? Why would they murder such an innocent soul? He was only 29.
You know how they say that time heals pain? That wasn't my case, it made everything even worse. Months would pass and I would just sit there in the dark thinking to myself, 'Ok, I understand you mean so much to me, please come back, I now know how it feels to lose someone!' But he never came back.
The worst thing was that I just didn't know how to talk about my feelings. I couldn't talk about this to anyone. I could only suffer in silence. I would write my pain, it helped in the beginning, but after a while that wasn't even enough. I always pretended I was over the death of my uncle and I was always laughing and smiling, yet inside I was dying, my heart was crushed and crying, I wanted to scream to the world because I couldn't handle the pain, but I still smiled. I didn't want to hurt my family, they too lost an uncle, brother or son. I tried to let go of my uncle but I couldn't. I was afraid that as soon as I let go, my special bond with him would eventually break as well. I didn't want to forget him and those amazing times I had with him.
I was in a state that I would do anything to let go of this horrible pain. Even to just fall in a coma so I wouldn't feel a thing and finally rest in peace. But I guess I was to big of a ***** to end my life, which of course in the end was a good thing.
As days would turn to months and months to years. I had to let go of him and I did. It wasn't easy and even now I will never forget that dark time in my life.
I just know, if not today, if not tomorrow, but one day I will be together with him again. For now, the memories will always remind me of him.
May God bless his sweet soul ! 
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2 Responses Dec 9, 2012

I won't say much because it seems you are no longer on EP. Your profile is 'deleted'. It is always hard losing someone close to you but hardest of all when you are young and no one will explain what is going on. My parents divorced when I was only six years old. Each was angry with the other and blamed the other for the break up and expected me to take sides with them. At six years of age I was confused and very frightened and had no idea what to say or do. My dad and his friends said one thing and my mother's friends all said something else. They all said I had to choose between them. They fought continuously until I was too old for the court to impose a ruling. At age 19 I moved to another city as angry as all hell with both of them. There was no winner, except the lawyers. They laughed all the way to the bank. Since then Australia has adopted pan-American no fault divorce. It is still hard for kids if divorcing parents are unwilling or unable to come to agreement on reasonable terms of separation. I think I know how you feel. In those days children were meant to be seen and not heard.

thank you for your story.

it seems that you might still be grieving for this lovely man.