The Sister I Never Knew...

I was fifteen when she was born.  I remember like it was yesterday as I spent the night at a friend's house, watching Dirty Dancing, the phone rang and my sister had entered the world.  Precocious and unruly were the words that best describe KK, I remember at my graduation luncheon she ran around the room eating off other diner's plates much to the shagrin of my stepmother whom thought anything KK did was extraordinary.

The years between KK's third and ninth birthdays are marred by my turbulent relationship with my father.  We didn't speak much during that time due to my stepmother incessant backstabbing and my father bought into every lie spoken about me.  It was easier for him to go along with my stepmother version of things versus trying to see the other side of his first born child.  Looking back, I realize that my stepmother was threatened by my presence and felt that her daughter should solely have my father's attention.  I do not excuse her behavior but I understand her motives.

I got to know KK the last two years of her life.  By this time, she was growing from a scrappy girl into a preteen.  She had just started wearing makeup months before she died, I remember being appauled by my stepmother's need to have her grow up so quickly.  My sister was a spitting image of her mother and was equally bad behaved, she threw tantrums if she didn't get what she wanted even at the age of 10.  She was always wanting after something and over indulged at every turn. 

Although she was bad behaved, there was something about her that lit up a room.  Her laughter was infectious and her bouyancy for life was breath taking.  Her narrow focus on things would have become her greatest strength and if she had been allowed, she would have grown into a magnificant woman.

A car and basketball ended her life at 11 with her friend as they darted in front of a car. Her death was 10 days after my lovely sons were born and I felt immeasurable guilt for years afterward.  It was as if the lives of my sons were interchanged with her and her friend. I was unable to attend the funeral due to pregnancy induced hypertension and the risk of stroking out.  I had to make one of the most difficult choices of my life, to stay at home with my children instead of attending the funeral with my family. To this day, some family believes that I did not love my sister enough to attend her funeral. 

Just the other day, I saw one of my cousins that were the same age as KK.  I did not recognize her until my father told me her name and all the emotion of losing my sister came rushing into my throat.  I realized, that I still miss KK, and I miss the fact that I wll never see her become a woman.  I had always hoped that once she became grown, that she and I could independently have a relationship aside from the rest of the family.  That never happened.

I hope that in someway that these words that I now type she can see, and that she feels my love for her.  I never had the chance to really tell her but none the less I will always love her. 

bonobabe bonobabe
31-35, F
2 Responses May 28, 2007

That is a touching story. Oh my gosh. Love can reach out into eternity. Lean on God for healing.

this is such a tragic and touching story ... a large lump i'm unable to swallow came up in my throat. i truly feel for you. i wish i had better words, more worldly and helpful words but please just know i'm here for you.