Six Months Ago..Still Hurts Even Though I Can Hide It..

Well, now it's been a little over six months since i lost you baby..since i had to let you lay in that casket..since i gave your body a kiss goodbye.. Since i touched your soft skin for the last time..but it all seems like it was just yesterday. It's still that fresh. I still want to cry when people hug me because i wish it were you. I still feel so empty, like my heart hungers for you. I somehow can look at your picture an smile. I can look at your jacket and remember the good times..like how i'd hug to your arm as we walked. How the day before you died..i finally kissed you first instead of you kissing me first. How i can still feel you sometimes. How i still live as though your alive. I still feel like if i wait long enough maybe i'll see you round the corner for a hug. But when i have a boyfriend or anyone like that it makes me remember that your gone. Your still in my heart, you'll always be there. Always, no matter how much it hurts. I think about cutting sometimes..but i know you would hate it if i did that. I know it would sadden you if i did that..that pill bottle still tempts me..its such an easy way out of all this pain..i still wake up sometimes wondering if i fell asleep on you talking..but then remember your gone..every time i look at the phone, i almost wonder why you don't call anymore..i feel like wearing your jacket sometimes but don't want to hurt your family by reminding them. Your mom is the one who got hit the hardest because she regrets not being involved in your life. Your uncle chris has really supported me through your loss. I never hugged a stranger until the day me and him cried together holding each other for support. Anytime we talked we would just let go. I'd remind him how much he meant to you and he'd cry more. He thought if you as a son. Your dad loved you too even though he was a drunk. He stayed by the place you died even after the cops left. In shock that he just lost you. And this wasn't pain he could smoke or drink away. He just had to accept it. We all had to. No matter how much we wanted you to jump out if the casket and yell april fools..we knew it was no joke. The one we loved the most was now gone. It is so painful...knowing your gone..kills me inside..but i just have to learn to cope the best i can.. I promise my first son will still be named christian Josiah like we planned. I promise you'll always be a part if my life. Always. Be happy please.. Even though i cry every night still. I want you to be happy. Every now and then i still feel my hand trying to clasp yours..my arm still wants to hurt from your love bite bruise. I see glimpses of you where you used to pass by me in the hall. I still remember it all. I will never forget..im getting a tattoo in your memory. And another across my back like you wanted..i'll never forget you. How could i forget,

The love i loved the most. No matter what, you'll always be the brightest most bluest flame in my heart. You'll always be there..the love i loved the most.