At about 4:30, July 12, 2012 my phone had 2 missed calls, but I was playing a competitive game of ladder ball with my phone charging on the deck on silent mode. It was boys against girls: my friend Mindy and I vs. her brother Peter, and my neighbor Jose. As the boys started to take their turn, Mindy's phone rang, and she answered. I wondered what it could be when she walked toward me and handed me the phone saying it was our mutual friend.
"Hey, Cady, whats up?" I asked as i put my hand on my hip, force of habit. What i heard next literally knocked me to the ground. She calmly told me, that my on and off again boyfriend, Dan, had been in a very bad motorcycle accident and he didn't make it. I fell back, to the ground, and I lost consciousness for about 5 seconds. My heart was racing and thumping almost through my chest. She said this is just what she saw online on his brother's FB page, so I immediately tried to reason it out to be a cruel joke. I hung up the phone and dialed his number. My heart sank to my stomach when it went straight to voice mail. I hung up and tried again and again, to no avail. I began to cry. My whole world was shattered in that instant. I sat on the ground in shock, not fully grasping what this meant.

Dan and I had met when I was 19, young bright eyed and just starting to get into the world on my own after living a very restricted/sheltered life. I walked into my job where I was a waitress, and took the corner to head the break room to put my bag away and start my shift. I came round the corner and then I saw him. Tall, dark and handsome, just my type. He turned towards me and smiled. Ill never forget his crater dimples. The best dimples I have ever seen on a man. I blushed and walked to the break room completely flustered. I passed by the hiring manager ans i stopped her.
"Who IS that?", I asked. She smiled and said she knew he was a cutie. That's my first memory of him. We started hang out and its history from there. Four and a half years of an on and off again, dysfunctional relationship. It included him cheating and me dealing with a mental illness, and both of us always learning life the hard way. But for as much as it was a bad relationship, I truly loved him, and I know he truly loved me. He took the time to get to know me, and learn me. Not just about me, but what makes me tic. He knew if I needed something like a drink before I even really did. We had a deep connection. He surely had his problems, and so did I, but the love was definitely there. In November of 2011, we started talking again after not speaking for almost 5 months. I had moved back to my parents house for a few weeks in between my apartment, and moving into a short term residential program structured for young adults with severe mental health issues. While at my parents, I started talking to Dan again. My parents found out and forbade me to talk to him because they knew he and I were destructive for each other. I, of course, did not listen, being the grade A daughter that I was. The weekend I moved into my program, he came and saw me. We sat and talked for hours like we always have, as if not time had passed, also as usual. We had a special communication, and that not everyone has with their partner.
The day after I learned he died, I found out through a difficult, confusing and hurtful conversation with Dan's baby's mother, that they had been together again when he died. I was in shock, confused, angry, and hurt. Just one week ago, he and I had a deep conversation about how much he cared for me, and how he always wants what was best for me. He told me he was so proud and happy for me because I was getting back to my old self, pre mental health issues. He had always taken a protective, "daddy" (if I can say that without sounding creepy) type of role in our relationship. He took great pride in my life and my accomplishments, big or small, because they reflected him and showed his impact on me. He called me his "damsel in distress", and loved that he was needed. He told me he loved me, and had a talk that night about trying to have a child together. We tried for the first time, and the last that night. I had texted him several times through the week, but we had difficult schedules to go around, and my programs rules, so we only got to see each other once or twice a week. Now I know it was also because he was back with his baby's mother.
It's been a little over 2 years. Him dying is one of the worst things I have been through, but it was also my biggest motivation. When he died, I knew I needed to work on me: my health to get back to myself, the girl Dan knew and loved. The girl who was vibrant and full of love and life. He always pushed me to mend the relationship I had broken with my parents, and I now talk to them every other day, if not more often. Every day I can see him in my mind's eye. There is always a reason he comes to my thoughts, whether it be a song, a place we were together, or me just wondering what he would be doing if he were still here. Some days I can honestly smile at the memories, and be happy.There are still some very difficult days and nights, ones where I cry for hours, angry and hurt, literally my chest aching, feeling like its going to implode. Songs take on a much deeper meaning. Things cause an ache that had never bothered me before, people I have never met, I empathize and hurt with. Some days I have to remind myself everything happens just the way its supposed to happen, even when that makes absolutely no scene to me.
I haven't dated since him, and I am scared really. I am scared I will never be in love or be loved like that again. To have someone care so much about me, as to know what I need, before I even realize it. I am scared that was it, that's the deep, once in a lifetime, consume everything you do and every breath you breath, love. I loved Dan with my whole heart, and always will, but I remain hopeful that I will find true knock your socks off, deep passionate love.
nco706 nco706
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 26, 2014

You will find love again! No one can ever replace him! But one day you will make room in your heart for someone new! But only if he is really really worth it!

I'm sorry for the loss

And I hope u do find love