Losing Someone Close To You Can Ruin Your Life.

I am on this site anonymously, so I won't use any real names. He was my little brother's best friend and when he started working with me at the gas station, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I was always shy and by the time I reached high school, my self esteem was at an all time low and I felt like I was pretty worthless. When I started working at the gas station, I was excited to meet new people. But as it turned out, all of the people I worked with went to my high school and I guess I had got a bit of a reputation as the shy girl by that time. So they basically refused to talk to me because I wasn't cool and they treated me like crap because I was the new girl.
So, when he started working there, he actually took the time to get to know me because I was his best friends sister. We got along great and had a lot of great times and laughed and joked around all the time. It is very rare for me to feel that comfortable with someone. I started to look forward to going to work and a few of the other people started to notice that if they actually tried to make friends with me, I would talk to them too and I made a couple of close friends, but none of them as close to me as he was. I saw him as a little brother. He made me feel like I was worth something, and like I was actually worth getting to know, that I didn't always have to blend into the background. 
I graduated from high school and stopped working at the gas station but I would stop in all the time just to talk to him, especially when I was feeling down. He could always make me smile. 
 I remember the last time I saw him. It was at a rock concert, and he and my brother happened to get tickets a few rows over from where I was sitting with my boyfriend. The heels I was wearing really hurt my feet and I decided not to get up to say hi, but my boyfriend did go over and say hi to my brother. I regret it now.
When I heard about his accident, I was at work and someone came up to me and asked if I had heard about the kid who got hit just outside of town (its a small town so news travels fast) I sort of shrugged it off, thinking it couldn't be anyone I knew, and went on with my day. A few hours later, the press had released a name and it was him. My heart skipped a beat when I heard but I kept telling everyone he was gonna be ok, that he couldn't possibly be hurt or dead... and then I heard the worst news of my life...
He always loved his four wheelers and his snowmobiles, it was all he ever talked about and it's what killed him. He was crossing the highway on the way to school and he got hit by a car going 100km/hr. I was devastated. I immediately called my brother and when he didn't pick up the phone, I called my mom to see if she had heard. I was so worried about my brother for the next few months but I had to stay strong. The fact that none of us cried a lot or broke down in front of him, definitely helped him get better faster, but it stopped me from getting my emotions out. 
I missed him every day, but I had no one to talk to, no one understood. I couldn't talk to my brother because I wasn't as close to him as my brother was and I felt like if I would talk about it, I would be taking something away from my brother and I couldn't do that. My boyfriend didn't understand and in the next few months I lost everyone I was close to. 
Another one of my brother's was diagnosed with cancer a few months later, and with this news I fell into this daze. I just kind of went through life day by day, no longer trying, barely noticing what was going on. And when I woke up, I was all alone, and intensely unhappy. Everytime I am alone, which is a lot of the time, I feel this loneliness that just takes over me. The pain is overwhelming and I don't know where to turn to. I try to talk to my mom and my boyfriend but they don't understand, they can't help, and just talking about it to them hasn't helped. I can't tell them all of these details because I feel like they will think I am trying to get attention. I am bored with everything. And I cry all the time... I just need someone who will understand and I need to know what I can do to change this. 
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2 Responses Nov 28, 2011

I think Kimberly just gave great advice. And if talking with your brother still leaves you wanting, talk to somebody. Anybody. Is there a guidance counselor? A teacher? A 800-number Help Line? <br />
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You are not alone and you are not the only person who has ever experienced a loss of this magnitude or consequence. The fact that others have won't diminish what you are feeling but it will give you a sense that it's possible to experience this type of loss and heal. And grow. Over time. If you let youself. And if you have someone to talk to. Don't expect things to make sense.<br />
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Good luck! And keep posting here, eventually somebody will write something back that clicks for you.

This is only a suggestion of course, but try talking to the brother who was your friends best friend. You might be surprised. Did he know you and his friend were close friends ? Did he know you talked to his friend ? Either way, there is no shame on your part, or anyones. It may make your brother feel better to know that his (best) friend was a good friend of yours as well, and that he made you feel valuable, and worthy of being yourself. It's not as if you had taken anything away from your brother, if anything you are complimenting his friend. You are sharing memories that mean a lot to you. It can be a common thread between the two of you. Memories are precious. sometimes they are all we have left. I know this from personal experience.