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My Sister.

I can talk about it and write about it and think about and most of the time feel nothing. I think it really has messed with my mind, more than i know. I used to think( and how could i that is redic stupid) that i just didn't care very much, that it wasnt a big deal, i didnt miss her, that ive already felt the pain now im over it and im fine, etc, and wow is that stupid. i know that the pain is just too great for me to deal with. i dont know what to do about it anymore. i cant really feel if i tried. i cant cry even. for anything. and when i do sometimes forcefully cry, i love it and then i stop crying cause i laugh that im crying cause i never do it. but i still dont feel. Theres just wayy too much that comes a long with it. Its the first death ive EVER experienced. no close friends, no relatives, nothing. The only one is my parakeet in 3rd grade and then my dog i had for about a month in 7th grade. and both those were already painful. crap. Ive kinda gone a bit crazy. I didnt know how to deal with it. Ive always been someone who keeps everything in. i dont ever tell people how im feeling. Never really had close friends. always felt different than everybody. I dont express how i feel, and with my parents especially. i barely ever told them i love you, i have now since she died. Since she died my life has been going on like nothing happened. But its also very different at the same time. and i hate it when allll the time people ask how many siblings you have, and i dont know what to say, and then if you say none, they go into a talk about how its been to be an only child and blah. I see my sister in my dreams. I love my dreams. And in my dreams i actually have emotions. It sucks not to have emotions. It may be better than having all the bad emotions and being depressed, but then it sucks to not even be truly happy, or laugh, or love. And it sucks cause the bracelets we have for her say live laugh love. GREAT. im doing none of that! i hate going to the grave site. its pointless. i never go. and i can never relate to my paretns pain. and they dont like to be sad in front of me anyway, so i thought everything was okay. But i always wondered why im the only one not missing her, cause all her friends and other people say they always miss her. And another thing that makes it hard is NONE of our family even lives in america. I dont talk to them often either, but i do love them. I dont ever talk about my sister. with anyone. and noone asks either. sometimes something in a conversation comes up and i wanna say something that my sister did that relates to it, but i never mention her name. None of m friends even knew about what happened(my new ones at college), until now a few do cause i cry sometimes when i get too drunk. it gets ugly. And i can feel when i drink or smoke, but i do have a family history of addiction, obviously, and i do have a very addictive personality, and thankfully im on probation or id still probably be smoking 6 times a day. my mom found out i smoked, and i told her i wasnt addicted. It sucks being addicted. I can never be myself in this world, so hopefully i can start actually saying the truth on this site.

Colorfulsweet Colorfulsweet 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 12, 2010

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this may be a long comment so if it bothers you im sorry...recently my grandma died and the last thing i saw her do was smile at me while she held my hand...she told us not to worry or cry that she wanted everyone to be happy that she's going somewhere better...so we did our best not to cry...i still see her smiling at me today...everyone expected me to say something at the funeral but i couldn't without crying...but the weird thing is that we didnt have that much or a relationship we saw things differently well basically everything...but the last few days she was still alive i couldnt stop saying "i love you..." It makes me cry to even type this for you...but anyways my point is...ill always talk to you about anything about your sister about how your day was anything...i know it feels great to talk to someone about your past or present problems so i'm here to listen......i started to get into drugs when i was pretty young the first time i did drugs i was 11...i smoked pot with my cousin....then when i was 12 i started to do cocaine and i got really addicted to it..it got pretty bad...luckily i didnt get caught..but anyways ive been addicted to cocaine since then...ive gotten better though doing it not as much...i do smoke everyday...my parents found out that i do illegal drugs on my 17th birthday....i got caught at a party doing black tar heroin....probably one of the worst drugs ill ever do...i was sent to juvenile hall for 3 months and had to work to get out...i have to attend recovery programs every friday for the next 2 years and i have to do 7,000 hours of community service for what they found in my car which was 8-ball of cocaine...since then my parents are of course dissappointed int me they want me to change but its really hard to...i do it for them...i know that they are proud that i havent done any drugs besides smoke since ive finished my community service hours...and im currently top 30% of my graduating class...no one expceted me to graduate some thought i was going to drop out since both my cousins did...but i want to be someone i want to have a family i want to raise them to be someone special someone that i wasnt...my parents still ove me and i love them but they are always going to be dissappointed in me...the only thing that i learned that i can do is stay strong for myself and start a new life...but that was the worst thing that i could do to my parents is let them down...the thing is i love to live laugh and love...funny thing i have the same bracelet from my grandma's funeral...just dont be afraid to talk to me message me anytime you want to :)

You need to try to stop holding things inside you and hiding how you really feel or don't feel. It'll eat you up (as you are finding out) and damage your soul. <br />
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Use this site to let it all out of you before you self destruct completely. I wish you luck.... Death is never easy and to lose a sister....I cannot imagine. But she would want you to live laugh and love wouldn't she? Do it for her.