I can talk about it and write about it and think about and most of the time feel nothing. I think it really has messed with my mind, more than i know. I used to think( and how could i that is redic stupid) that i just didn't care very much, that it wasnt a big deal, i didnt miss her, that ive already felt the pain now im over it and im fine, etc, and wow is that stupid. i know that the pain is just too great for me to deal with. i dont know what to do about it anymore. i cant really feel if i tried. i cant cry even. for anything. and when i do sometimes forcefully cry, i love it and then i stop crying cause i laugh that im crying cause i never do it. but i still dont feel. Theres just wayy too much that comes a long with it. Its the first death ive EVER experienced. no close friends, no relatives, nothing. The only one is my parakeet in 3rd grade and then my dog i had for about a month in 7th grade. and both those were already painful. crap. Ive kinda gone a bit crazy. I didnt know how to deal with it. Ive always been someone who keeps everything in. i dont ever tell people how im feeling. Never really had close friends. always felt different than everybody. I dont express how i feel, and with my parents especially. i barely ever told them i love you, i have now since she died. Since she died my life has been going on like nothing happened. But its also very different at the same time. and i hate it when allll the time people ask how many siblings you have, and i dont know what to say, and then if you say none, they go into a talk about how its been to be an only child and blah. I see my sister in my dreams. I love my dreams. And in my dreams i actually have emotions. It sucks not to have emotions. It may be better than having all the bad emotions and being depressed, but then it sucks to not even be truly happy, or laugh, or love. And it sucks cause the bracelets we have for her say live laugh love. GREAT. im doing none of that! i hate going to the grave site. its pointless. i never go. and i can never relate to my paretns pain. and they dont like to be sad in front of me anyway, so i thought everything was okay. But i always wondered why im the only one not missing her, cause all her friends and other people say they always miss her. And another thing that makes it hard is NONE of our family even lives in america. I dont talk to them often either, but i do love them. I dont ever talk about my sister. with anyone. and noone asks either. sometimes something in a conversation comes up and i wanna say something that my sister did that relates to it, but i never mention her name. None of m friends even knew about what happened(my new ones at college), until now a few do cause i cry sometimes when i get too drunk. it gets ugly. And i can feel when i drink or smoke, but i do have a family history of addiction, obviously, and i do have a very addictive personality, and thankfully im on probation or id still probably be smoking 6 times a day. my mom found out i smoked, and i told her i wasnt addicted. It sucks being addicted. I can never be myself in this world, so hopefully i can start actually saying the truth on this site.