Yes, again. I know I'm not on this very frequently. I see this as my secret little place to vent out and say how I feel.
Anyway as few of you may know, I lost my father last year on quite unfortunate circumstances. This year, I lost Danny.
Danny was my older cousin. He was remarkable. And now he's gone. Thing about Danny is anyone who knew him would always turn around and say "He's just like your father"
And that he was. Same appearance, sense of humour, attitude, everything. It was scary sometimes, their similarity was strange at the start but I had grown to love it. It was like Dad had never left. Until last week. I was just sitting here on my laptop when I got the news from my aunt. I honestly cannot explain how I felt. I don't even think it sank in until a few days later. I was just numb, in a world of my own, my mind was blank. Until saturday morning. Danny's wake. I just remember everyone hugging and squeezing me. I actually can't remember a whole lot of that day, at all in fact. I remember My aunt (Danny's mam) Bringing me down the hall That's when the numbness started to dissapear. I started to get scared but I just wanted to see him one last time. I walked into the room. There he was. I felt like my legs were goung to turn into jelly. I sank down onto the couch opposite him and just began crying, I didn't even feel like crying it just came out of nowhere. I eventually made myself stop and stood up to walk over to Danny. I looked down and he looked like he was sleeping. I tried smiling at him but I just felt my face break into a frown. I reached in and took his hand. It sinked in there and then that Danny was gone. I leaned over and kissed his forehead stroking his hair. As much as I didnt want to leave I couldn't bare to see him like this, plus there was lots of people wanting to see and say their goodbye's to him. I walked out and back into the sitting room. Where more relatives had arrived. I went over to give them squeezes and make sure they were all alright, if I'm there acting all sad and stuff it's just going to make everything more difficult. Plus I know Danny wouldn want to see me or any of his family like this. But I have to admit, It's so hard. Ive been in my room all week. I have no motivation to get up or do anything. I just want to sleep. It started to get late, everyone was leaving and I was due to be picked up in ten minutes or so. So I went over to My aunt and told her I was going into Danny again just to say goodbye. She walked in with me. I felt a little better goin in this time, maybe I just got a fright the first time. She was telling me all the funny stories of Dad and Danny. I could see her trying to fight back her tears. I said nothing, just pulled her into me, just trying to indicate that it's okay to be not okay. She's a great woman but she's broken. She turned around and told me this is great closure for me considering I never got to do this with dad, and the fact Danny and him were so alike and I adored them both to pieces. And she was right. She left me and Danny together for the last few minutes. I stood by his side stroking his hair telling him all our funny stories of when I was younger and all the stupid things he used to say. It felt good to laugh, I don't know if you'd agree but it felt good. So My lift was here so I told Danny I had to go home. I gave him one last kiss on the forehead and as I was about to stand back up I felt myself stop and just look at him. I whispered without even thinking "Please wake up" I felt myself get upset again, I just wanted him to wake up but I knew it wasnt going to happen, then his cd player in the corner start playing, even weirder is the song that came on was our song "Stand by me" I looked at the cd player then back at him and laughed a little. "you little brat" I said laughing. then walked out smiling. He's okay and I know it!
Kratie Kratie
18-21, F
Aug 21, 2014