Register

I Lost Someone To Suicide

Ashamed

By: theparadeofcha0s
Written on June 10th, 2010
My mother killed herself.  This was in 2006.  I had failed at a rehab program and when she wouldn't let me come home I said some terrible things.  The next morning I called to have her set out all my important bank documents and was greeted by the horrific sound of my little brother's sobbing voice. "SHE KILLED HERSELF MAN! SHE'S F*CKING DEAD!"  she left some note that said she failed me as a mother.  Besides all that, my question is:

Is it wrong to feel ashamed and embarrased of her?  I love my STEPMOTHER very much and in my opinion, there is no reason to even tell my children (in the future) that my real mom existed.. Naturally, when they're much older they might be able to figure out who's who and realize that my step mom isn't my birth mother, but i'll takle that then.

My brothers think i'm an a hole and should be proud of our mother, but i just dont feel that way.  infact, with the exception of a couple close friends, i have separated myself from anyone who knew me before this happened. I'm going out of my way to make new friends and not tell them anything so that i can get a normal reaction.

I feel like everytime someone who knows looks at me thats what they are thinking.

does anyone else feel this way?
By: theparadeofcha0s
Age: 22-25
796 people have read this story

Your Response

Please respond with authenticity, support, and respect
By clicking "Post", you confirm that you agree to the Terms of Service of Experience Project, Inc.
1 response
  • indigotoblue
    indigotoblue

    Hi Parade,



    This sounds like a really difficult situation and experience. I wasn't sure what you feel specifically ashamed or embarrassed about but I certainly don't think its wrong to feel however you are feeing.



    I think that it seems like you feel it is though or you wouldn't have chosen to ask this question it. If there is a conflict of feeling there, it is likely that that is causing you some stress. I think that we make certain choices ultimately to protect ourselves from hurt or distress. Addiction, I'm sure you are aware is just one way of doing this, suicide is unfortunately another. I don't think there is a wrong or a right with feelings. I think it's helpful to consider why we feel a certain way and why we behave a certain way and though knowledge, growth and awareness learn from this. If we can learn that can see things from differing perspectives it may allow us some choices and then we can assess what feels more comfortable for us.



    I think it is good that you are seeking to explore this and I really hope that you find comfort in your journey.



    Warm regards



    Luce

    Jun 14, 2010
    1 like