Continuing to Survive

I've lost 4 people I loved to suicide, one friend and 3 family members. With each loss, continuing to live life each day gets harder. The first three losses were heartbreaking. The most difficult was my nephew, who shot himself in the head at the age of 20. I was devastated. Part of me left with him, but as the years passed (he left us 11 years ago) the pain was a little easier to take. The guilt never goes away. I always wonder what I could have done to make life better for him.

Then, 4 years ago, my brother committed suicide. He was my idol. I adored him and most of my life was shaped by his influence. The world changed for me that day. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get past it enough to have some kind of happiness in my life. I don't feel like a normal part of society any more. I'm withdrawn and I don't really want to be involved in most things. I have a partner who I love very much, but I don't think I'm fun for him to be around. I have 3 kids who are adults now who I don't think I'm giving enough of myself to, but it's hard.

Sometimes I think I know how my brother felt. I have the same impulse at times, but having experienced the pain of this kind of loss, I could never do that to the people I love. So I continue trying to figure out how to get through each day. I guess that's all anyone can ever do.

I guess I'm just putting this out there. It's not something I  usually share with people--it's a little bit much to expect anyone to know how to respond to and I know most people won't understand, so it's better left unsaid. Maybe there are people here who know how I'm feeling...
artanddesign artanddesign
41-45, F
1 Response Jan 20, 2008

I am very sorry for ur lost I have also have had 3 family members commit suicide in less then a yr and 2months ago a very good friend also my neighbor that commited suicide and it has been very hard I though it would get better as the days go by but it just seems to get worst I I have always been a strong person or at lease pretended to be but I feel like its to much to handle it's hard to talk to someone that has not experience this