I'd been offshore for 2 weeks and just got back close enough that I had a cell signal.

2 panic messages on my voicemail from 3 days earlier.

What the hell.

I call back.

And find out she's dead.

Not just anyone.

Not just a friend.

But someone who was above and beyond just a friend or best friend. No, not a lover, infact we'd never slept together, in the same bed, yes, otherwise, no.

The person I could tell anything to.

The person that I always knew would be there, or so I thought.

Someone that I could drunk dial at any hour and she would be there.

If our dogs got along together (they never got to meet) she demanded that we should get married.

She was the one that would pour another glass of wine when you needed it.

She was the one that had a smile that would burn through any crap you had going on in your head. Because hey, somewhere else, somewhere not here, someone had it worse right?

That was who I lost, almost 9 months ago.

I have a hard time with a lot of stuff now. Stuff I'm learning how to deal with on my own. When my ex and I broke up I got in the car and went for a ride and went looking in my cellphone for her number. When it dawned on me all I could do was scream and damn her. Damn her for not being there anymore. Damn her for copping out and leaving me here like this.

I'm still really angry. I still miss her more than anything.

On the flip side I hope she knows that I still love her.
anteye anteye
41-45, M
10 Responses Nov 25, 2006

they say that talking to a stranger helps so i can be that stranger to talk to if you would like to then im here...

Sorry isn’t good enough because I’m 6 years into loosing my Brother and I still hurt like hell. He was my buddy, my friend, my fall back guy when all else would fail. My brother was always supposed to be there for me and He left for good. Our parents weren’t good parents really at all, all we had were each other. Dealing with suicide is the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with. I was in the hospital 11 times last year for one illness after another. Suicide survival eats you alive. It never goes away. <br />
I wish I could take away all your pain but nothing can. You just ride it out and ride it out. Some days are better and some seem like yesterday. Peace be with you some how some way.

I lost my mom to suicide, she left a letter saying none of it was my fault. I interoperate in so many different ways. I loved her, she did everything for me, I mean literally everything . I was on cloud nine for so many years and then she dropped the ball and left me with my ******* dad who claims to be the best parent ever. I have been checked into a mental hospital 5 times, gone to 4 treatment centers and still everyday, the pain is the same. I keep thinking I'm getting better but I'm just growing old with the wounds . My heart is so tiny these days. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just want to smoke pot and forget , some days I just want to kill myself because what is life if I have ready experienced what reality really is. Life is so negative and happiness is only temporary . Nothing gets it out not even therapy. That was 3 years ago.

I feel the exact same, read my story it will sound fimliar.

I've been where she was. Don't blame her because she thought it was the bast way to deal with the pain. She called you. She knows that you love her. Where ever she is she knows. Don't forget that.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope someday you find peace.<br />
<br />
Best,<br />
<br />

I'm doing some reserch and I was wondering if you could tell me more about her suicide. But if not I completely understand. I'm writing a fiction book on it and I need sources and resources , of course if I use somethings from you story I would give you full credit for them.Contact me at janametro@live.com<br />
<br />
hope you're able to cope xoxoxo,<br />

Hope you'll get better and cope with things yeah?She's watching over you no matter what you're doing.Stay strong always.

In 2002, I lost my other half. He was 2 good for the boyfriend label and we also slept in different places. Sex wasnt important to us. I could tell him anything. He was the ONLY person that TRULY loved and believed in me. Casey was my rock. We lived together, but we didnt want to ruin our companionship with the stupid crap that go along with romance. What we had, was better. Time did not exist to us. The world did not exist to us. We were one. This was 5 years ago. Suicide will never allow u to get the closure that u so desperately need. I am not being a pessimist, I just literally drove myself insane searching for this closure. I was next door when he shot himself. I never heard the gunshot, strangely, I had no idea that his lifeless body would be in our kitchen floor. If he loved me so, then why would he want me to find him there? Anyway, if u need someone to talk to, I am here. I am 5 years ahead of u.

I am sorry for your loss. When people pass they are really not gone. Do you sense her around you?

if you dont mind me asking<br />
<br />
who did u loose?<br />
<br />