I'm Trying To Be Okay

This fall my friend killed himself. He drove through six states and killed himself in a motel. I am constantly exposed to reminders, which is good and bad. It's hard.

He wasn't a best friend. But we had our own jokes. We chatted and shared friends. The girl he was in love with is one of my best friends, and she's not okay. She doesn't talk about it, but I know. I live 2 hours from her now or I would try to take care of her more.

My fiance is freaked out that it's affected me so much. But he's never lost someone he knew so young. I'm having so much trouble adjusting. This is the third person I've known under 30 to die. The first that I wasn't related to. I'm constantly afraid that I'll be next, or that I won't live to be 30. If I do, I'm throwing the biggest party of my life.

I never want to hurt anyone this way. Or anyway if I can help it. Grief makes me impulsive though, and I'm afraid I'm going to eff up things with my fiance or most of my friends if I'm not careful. :/

I've started feeling suicidal myself lately, which completely freaks me out. But I'm not acting on it, and I'm seeking help, everywhere. I won't do that to other people. So I'm going to counseling and I'm telling all my friends how much pain I'm in. It might hurt them in the short term, but better that then death.