Sorry guys, I just really have a lot I need to get off my chest... Sorry if this rambles or doesn't make much sense. I'm not in a good state right now.

In May last year a good friend of mine committed suicide.
I hadn't seen him much the last 2 years because I moved away from my hometown to study, but in highschool he was a great friend. So many memories.
He was such an amazing person. He had his troubles though. I remember in year 9 (we would have been about 14) he developed a bit of a drinking problem. He started turning up to school drunk. We had to get the school psychologist to intervene because we were worried about him. He also started smoking dope at a young age. He had some father issues, but his mother was really supportive and such a great person. And they were really close. And he loved his younger brother, who really looked up to him.
I don't think he had one enemy. He had so many friends. Everyone loved him. He was the life of the party. And he was also that friend you can go to about anything. He'd do anything to make a friend laugh. Anyone would have listened. ANYONE would have helped him.
2 weeks after he commited suicide he would have turned 21. So young. Too young.

I still remember the moment I heard. It was a Friday night.
I was sitting at my parents house, in the lounge with my dad and sister. I was on facebook on my phone and saw a few "R.I.P Sam" statuses. I commented on them asking what they were about, what happened and such. But no one responded.
Then I got an inbox. It was from a friend of mine.
"Hey dunno if u wanna hear this over message. But last night sam committed suicide.. People are only just finding out... :(
Just thought id tell you Coz I noticed u asked D too..."
My dad and my sister were either talking about something or watching TV. I left the room and went into my parents room. I burst into tears, not believing it. Unable to grasp it. I composed myself a little and went back into the lounge room.
I quietly said "Sam commited suicide". And just saying it made me burst into tears again and ran into my parents bedroom again and collapsed on the bed and kept crying and crying. My sister comforted me. She knew him fairly well too, but she doesn't cry much, really. Mum came home, and my dad told her what happened. And she came in to see me and helped with the comforting.
I was getting messages from my friend who told me that everyone is going to the local pub in honor of him. I pulled it together. And a few hours later my sister and I were there. Drinks in hand. Remembering.
My sister ended up crying through a lot of the night once she had something to drink. She rarely lets out feelings unless she's been drinking.

I can't believe it's almost been a year, already. It feels like just yesterday.

His funeral. Oh god, his funeral.
There were so many people there. If only he saw how many people were there. I got there half an hour early and didn't manage to get a seat. So many people had to stand outside throughout the service, listening through the outside speakers.
He had so many people. So many people.

I remember going to give my condolences to his mother at the end of the funeral. I hugged her and broke down in tears.And SHE was telling ME not to cry. His own mother was comforting me. She's such a strong and beautiful person.

I dream about him every now and then. The first dream I had about him. He was talking to me and my sister. And he just casually asks, "does anyone know why I did it?" As if he didn't know himself.
I had another dream that I ran into him just walking down the street. I burst into tears and hugged him as he told me it was all a joke. And I was crying from relief. I wasn't even angry. I was just so glad he was alive.
I've had a few other dreams where he's briefly been in it.
Then last week I had a dream about my birthday party (I'm turning 21 in March). I came into my party. And there was Sam. Sitting there. And again. I just started crying from relief. From happiness. And in my dream it turned out he was allowed to come back for my birthday, but that was just it. I woke up almost in tears.

I still can't accept it.

I keep hating myself for drifting away the past couple of years after I moved. I'm kicking myself for not seizing opportunities to spend as much time as I could with him.
I just wish he could come back. He was too young. Too nice.

I miss you Sam.
I have so many memories. That I will hold onto forever.
And I never want to stop dreaming about you. I never want to forget your face. Your smile.
EmilyFitch EmilyFitch
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 27, 2012

I actually volunteered with AFSP last night, it's the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, they have over 1,800 people walking 18 miles in San Francisco this June. Last year, I walked 18 miles in NYC, and raised about $1,400. They also sponsor the LifeLine service.

They need volunteers in the NYC area, next Wednesday from 4-8PM. The address is 120 Wall Street New York NY.

Thank you. <br />
I know I couldn't have prevented it. I just wish I had spent more time with him the last few years. <br />
<br />
I went to see one of his favorite bands last night. It was good. Felt like he was there.