I Wish I Would Have Known

I was with a man for 3 almost 4 years ; We had one son that was 10 months old and I was 4 1/2 month Pregnant with our second son. On my 22 nd birthday,  He took his own life by a self inflicted gunshot to his head. I was the last person to have seen him alive . It has been about 15 years and I am married to wondeful man and the boys are happy teenagers. It still affects my everyday life , AS a matter of fact today would have been his Birthday! I miss him terribly and I have gone on with my own life . I try so hard to let go, Even now as I am writing this I have tears flowing. If I would of only seen or recognized the signs that know realize were signs; Maybe I could have helped him. I loved him so very much. My oldest son is now struggling with "why did  Dad leave us, didn't he love us." What can I say but, That he did love us he just had alot of problems. I go through being angry for leaving me to raise them by myself for cheating them out their Father, then I feel guilty for not being there for him; He should of been able to tell me he was hurting so bad. To even something so crazy as He isn't dead just was scared of being a Father and faked is own death. That is stupid I know ; but there is such a large range of thought and emotion. I am blessed to have a Hubby who helps us deal with this and isn't threatened or jealous.
tigeress1970 tigeress1970
36-40, F
6 Responses Apr 1, 2007

Im glad you found a great man and can be happy.I just lost my fiancee a few months ago to suicide also. Everyone says dont try rationalize it all. but i cant find a way to accept it or move on. i feel like i will always feel i was meant to be with him and if i was with someone else i would feel like i was cheating on him. And what you had said about ur son questioning his dads actions... my daughter is two i worry when my days will come to tell her what happened to him.

I live every day wondering if the woman i love will do this to herself. I can't prevent this from happening. I do what i can to help her with money, support, and i tell her i love her every chance i get. But she has Bpd, depressed, and is bipolar. She lost her job, her career because of self medicating, stealing drugs. We are both nurses and this is the worst health issue i have ever faced!

I've come to realize that we can't change other people who don't want change and haven't asked for our help. In some ways we ask questions after the fact like "what could I have done differently" or "is it my fault", because it gives us an illusion of control. That's the ego talking. In my experience when people really want to end their lives talking about it doesn't always help. I'm not trying to be necessarily fatalistic. In other cultures in the world when people end their lives by choice, their decision is treated with some amount of dignity at least. People don't ask them to change their minds for the sake of others' comfort and security. Here in the west we treat it like an act of temporary insanity or some kind of crime of desperation.

I am going through the same exact thing as gruuvgirl, My boyfriend of 6 years took his own life a month ago, it seems impossible to ever move on without him, guilt,numbness,crying non<x>stop wondering why........and just thinking his pain had to be unbearable and how i didn't see the signs him joking about it for so long became his reality. I'm so sorry to anyone who has lost someone to their own hands, it's the worst way, and seems impossible to move on..god bless u all <3

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My bi-polar fiance' recently committed suicide (on July 12, 09). I am absolutely devastated! I did not see it coming, plus to make it even more traumatizing, I found his body! :(<br />
I did not know he had been diagnosed as bi-polar until after he death, when his family told me. He kept a lot from me. I knew something with him was not right, but I overlooked those things because I absolutely adored him. At the beginning of our relationship he was incredible. He made me feel like the most important person in the world - like a goddess. But as time wore on, his bouts of anger began to emerge. He was also insanely jealous and very controlling. If I even mentioned an ex, he got very mad. He didn't like it when I talked to ANYONE. He was even jealous of my kids! <br />
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The night before he hung himself, we had been in a spat. He left and was in his parents' house in the next town, which was abandoned. He just sat there all night drinking. He ended up drinking a fifth of Rum!! But he kept texting me "if you really love me, come to me" and "I love you" over and over. I felt like he was manipulating me, so I did not return his texts. <br />
Now I regret that to the core of my soul. I feel like if I had gone to him that he would be alive and with me right now. But my counselor told me that maybe if I came, he would have hung himself right in front of me or taken me out first and then himself. Nevertheless, the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I have since been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and have been in a psyche hospital twice.<br />
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But when it was good it was incredible! He was a sweet man when he wanted to be. But he left me – knowing I had no job ) I recently been <br />
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Is pathological lying a characteristic of bi-polar people?<br />
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He was such a good liar that I did not even know that 3/4 of what he told me was not true until after his death. That devastated me because I feel like the person I thought I loved and wanted to spend eternity with wasn’t who I thought he was. Part of him was an illusion. He was who he thought I wanted him to be! I keep finding out more and more things he lied about and every time I hear about another lie, my heart takes another hit. It is overwhelming! I loved that man more than I have ever loved ANYONE!<br />
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I'm having to grieve my baby's physical loss as well as the loss of the person I thought he was. It makes me physically ill to even think about it.<br />
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I will never be the same!<br />
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Thanks for sharing!

I can relate alot to what you been through. I found my fiancee hung himself in May...and had nothing in his system no alcohol or nothing. it wasnt him to do such a thing my daughter and i were his everything. and he treated me often like a godness as u mentioned yours did. I feel for you...i know i cant get the image out of my head from finding him and trying cpr. Its mind gut and heart wrenching.

I cannot imagine. You seem to be a very strong person, you will prevail.<br />
I recently lost my bestfriend to suicide. We grew up together and I had no idea he was suicidal or depressed. It hurts so much and i am filled with rage and sadness and guilt. I cannot imagine how you must feel. They say time heals all wounds but the scars always remain.<br />
stay strong.

Thanks for sharing this powerful story... and our best wishes to you and your family.