I Am Still So Angry

I lost my sister, Allecia, in October of 2003. Lost makes it sound so simple and clean and harmless. What bullshit. She committed suicide. She took the gun my father gave her when she moved into her own apartment in the city and she shot herself in the head. And that was it. She was gone just like that. For the longest time I blamed myself. Not that I thought I drove her to it becuase we had a great relationship, but because I had meant to call her that morning to make plans about the coming weekend (Halloween) and I overslept and just figured I would call her when I got out of school. She did it sometime that morning before she was supposed to be at work. It is very likely that she was already dead by the time I usually got up in the mornings so even if I had called it probably would have been too late. But what if it wasn't and I could have stopped it by making her laugh with an early morning joke. And I had just seen her the weekend before and we had had a wonderful time together joking and laughing as we went through a spookhouse (the guy with the chainsaw actually tried to get her number). So what happened? I don't remember a whole lot about the day that it happened. I know there were lots of people at our house and that I cried a lot. I know that my best friend stayed by my side the entire time that day and the next and was a constant shoulder for me to cry on for the horrible period of mourning that came after. About the title of this entry: I am not angry at Allecia. Not at all. I love my sister and I know that she didn't do this to hurt us, she just made a mistake. I love her. I am angry at the stigma people who commit suicide get. They are not all crazy and they are not bad people. I am angry at my mother who still "attempts suicide" about once a year even after seeing what our family went through with Allecia. I am not angry or ashamed of my sister, and even though he will not get to meet her, my son who is due in August will know all about his aunt and how cool she was.
peacelovinghippiegirl peacelovinghippiegirl
18-21, F
4 Responses Apr 6, 2007

I feel bad that sorry seemed such a careless comment, but I will stand by that comment, my heart aches and I empathise with anyone who has lost a love one to suicide. I am emotionally connected to the loss, I have loss two people to their own hand. I am sorry. And truth be known there is no word that "cuts it".

Sorry, just doesn't cut it. There is nothing i can say with regards to your pain. All i will say is i agree with you 100% about the stigma of suicide. I am ashamed to say that i have tried too 3x and what many people dont understand is that i REALLY felt that i was doing EVERYONE a favour in the moment. I was LUCKY, i never died, and i dont think i will ever tey again as one day when i was just ill with a bad flu, my youngest son came running to me crying like a baby, he's 11 and said *Mommy are you dying* well that was all i needed to see what i would have done to him had i succeeded. I cry for your loss, hugsssssssssss

I am so sorry you have this pain to endure.

I understand kinda what you have gone through I didn't loose a sister but I lost my childern's Father to the same. I hate how people say that he is in Hell because he took his on life. I feel that for our loved one's have some kind of problems that they just can't deal with. And God (as I know him) wouldn't punish people for being Mentally unstable. Another thing i can relate to is ,I thought it was my fault and that I could of done something to save him when in reality if someone is really wanting to kill themselves they are gonna do it with out telling anyone. I have found it's OK to be angry at him. He wasn't thinking of anyone but himself and left us alone to deal with losing someboby we love very much. I still love him even though it's been over 14 yrs. and I am remarried to a gr8 guy... You never forget but time does make it a little more tolerable when you think about them . Hang in there girl .... Congrads about you're baby , Your Sister will be there and will see her Nephew! I feel the presence of they're Father all the time.I believe our loved ones spirits are always with us.