I've Never Really Written This Out.

When I was eight, I had the choice to go to my grandpa's with my mom and brother or stay home with my dad. I went with my mom.

When we got back, all the lights were off in the house and I was told to wait in the car.

My mom came back out and drove us to my grandma's, just up the road. I think I took a nap and I remember waking up to seeing flashing lights pass by, then my mom telling me 'Daddy's an angel."

My brother was a month shy of being one, and was just learning how to talk. He kept asking 'Where's daddy?" and I kept having to try and explain it.

He hung himself from an oak tree in the backyard.

We still haven't cut down that damn tree for whatever stupid reason. I miss him every day and I wish he was there when my life was falling apart. He would have protected me from being hurt so many times over the past twelve years.

I love you, daddy. You won't be there to walk me down the aisle or hold my first child. That hurts. It hurts a lot, but I know you'd be proud of me. Guide me, please. Whisper to me in the wind. Just let me hear one more 'I love you, buddy rat." That's all I want.
addysaurus addysaurus
18-21, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

Aw this is so sentimental and sweet...well the ending part, obviously not the whole suicide. I'm happy you have that perspective and positive nostalgia for your dad, and that you're not mad at him. My dad killed himself as well, and it is quite challenging so I know how you feel!

I've only recently replaced anger with sentiment and forgiveness. I has a revelation that ultimately, he did this out of love. Now bear with me on this: he thought he was a burden and was only bringing us down. He unfortunately thought that if he were not in the picture, we would all be happier. Ultimately, it was out of love. It still is terribly painful though.
I wish you luck and peace as you heal.

Yes I have had that revelation as well with my father's death...many people say that suicide is a weakness but if you think about it they may actually be stronger, well unfortunately because of their illness inside, they're stronger. Because they've been lead to believe they're a burden on us all, but that of course is only in their mind. So, in their mind, the strongest thing to do is leave the world and make everyone else better off because they're living for others and not themselves.