Why?

I met this guy, lets pretend his name was Zakk in August. 
I loved him from the moment my eyes passed his face. He was perfect.
Everything about him. His amazing blue eyes, his pale white skin. His muscly body. His perfect hands.
A week after we met, we were a couple. It was a secret though, because I'm only 14 and he was 18. So we kept it between us.
He lived in a city which is a 10 hour drive from where I live (30min flight), and he had to go back home because he was at uni and couldn't miss his lectures etc. So it was a long distance relationship for a while.
As we grew closer, he told me things, and I told him things. He told me about his childhood. His mum used to hit him. She kicked him out of home when he was just 16, he was living with friends until he finished school, then he moved down to another city to attend university.
He told me, if he hadn't had met me, he would have killed himself earlier. He told me, I was the reason he was alive. It was true. I was all he had. I love him, and he loved me.
He was terribly depressed, so between my depression, eating disorder and his severe depression, we were a mess. But we were perfect together. The way my hands fitted into his. His hands were so huge compared to mine, but it was perfect.
He was 6"2, and I'm only little. I'm 5"5. The way he bent down and picked me up to kiss me, I miss it so much.
We broke up in the middle of March, I couldn't deal with a relationship. I have too much going on at home, at school, and in my head to commit to a relationship. I still loved him though, and he still loved me. I still saw him every weekend, we still spoke 24/7, we were just not in a relationship and we were both happy with that. Well, at least I thought we both were. I remember one day he wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't reply to my texts, or message me back on Facebook.. That night, he told me the reason he didn't was because he had been crying all day over me, because he loved me and he wanted me to be his. 
I knew he was suicidal, I talked him out of it so many times. I told him, if he left, I would to. And he stayed.. He did it for me. But one night, he was going to do it.. And I told him I would do it that night if he did it, and I was going to. He didn't do it, I made him get help, so he went to the doctors and he had an appointment to see a psychologist on the 10th of April 2012.
It was on the 2/04/2012.. He was acting all strange the whole day. I thought he was just having a bad day, so I asked him about it but he said he was fine and he'd tell me if something was wrong. I was going away the following day (The 3rd of April) for 10 days to visit my dad overseas with my siblings. So I thought it was just the fact we wouldn't speak for a while, only on Facebook.
But when I got up the next morning at 4am to go to the airport, I had a message from him saying; "You want to know why I was such a jerk today? Because I tried to kill myself last night but I failed". I didn't know what to do. As soon as I landed in Australia I got on Facebook and  I messaged his step brother telling him he told me that.. His step brother said to me "Yeah whatever" that was all he said....
Then later on that day.. I got another message from him. "Hi'm sorry (my name). Thank you"
I replied to him freaking out... 
40mins later, "Numb is hungrs"
10mins after that "asxseed e . . Donek"
20mins later "What? I'll talk to you later on this week. My internet is down"
I messaged his step brother again, telling him I knew he had killed himself. He didn't believe me. No one did.
I was the last person ever to speak to him. He was only 18... He wasn't found for 48 hours after he hung himself... He did it in an abandoned toilet block in a park his grandparents used to take him. The police were searching for a total of 36 hours, but they couldn't find him so they had to get the police helicopters up, and the police dogs out. Knowing he was hanging there all alone in the cold, for 48 hours.. Just hanging, absolutely tortures me. 
I couldn't get back home in time for his funeral. 
I'm only 14. He was only 18, but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
He knew how much it would hurt me if he was gone, but he did it anyway. I don't blame myself for what he did, but I know I could have helped him if I tried harder. 
I'm only 14, I'm severely depressed, I self harm, and I have an eating disorder... I got better for him, then he just ****** me up again. It was his birthday on Friday. I had a drink for him. Well, more like a bottle of vodka lol. 
So young, yet so broken. I was the one being questioned by the police, his family, his friends. Everyone is asking me. I don't have a point to life anymore. He was literally all I had. So I don't know how much longer I will be here for
I doubt anyone got the far, bit of a  boring story sorry. But I had to get it out. The only thing I want to know is why? Why didn't you at least leave a note saying why you were leaving us? I still don't believe it
JUst know that I will always love you, where ever you are. And I might see you up there some day, that day could be near, or it could be far. We'll find out when it comes.
I love you, rest in peace babe <3
AprilThird AprilThird
13-15
2 Responses May 19, 2012

Dear Child,<br />
<br />
You were fourteen and he was eighteen; I know you were helping each other. I do not want to say something you may take the wrong way. But this was not your fault. People did not want to listen to you.<br />
<br />
Please do not take your life. Continue getting the help you need. He influenced you in the wrong way. Think about the good times that you shared not how he died. This was not your fault and don't you dare blame yourself. You should not have been in a relationship anyway especially someone that was four years older than you when you are fourteen.

This story was certainly not boring...it honestly made me shudder, I can almost feel the pain that you're exhibiting here...I can't believe how tragic that must have been for you, honestly. I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you feel the way you do, that you are severely depressed and somewhat suicidal...but things do get better, they honestly do. It's all in the perspective. My mom is depressed too and is handling the suicide of my dad much harder than I am. He shot himself a month ago, so I know how hard suicide can be. But just know that it won't help to dwell on it, yeah he didn't leave a note but maybe that's for the best, some things are left open-ended, you can put more imagination into it and see it the way you want to see it, hopefully in a positive way.