My Dad

i lost my dad to suicide in january of this year. he battled severe depression for about 2-3 years and it finally got the best of him. i now realize how many signs i missed when he used to talk about wanting to die, but in reality you dont notice until they are gone how many times they talked about it. i just used to laugh it off. he had learned how to shoot several months before and used to go out after work and shoot with his friends at a shooting range, so in january one night he went to the shooting range and did it there. i have so many regrets when it comes to him because i feel like i can never forgive myself for not being able to save him. if he was in a proper state of mind he never would have done it. i know it. the hardest part of it all is knowing how much of my life he is going to miss on. we were always the closest out of the family, and even though he didnt talk much, we still had a special connection. so now i just feel so jaded with everything horrible that happens in life. ive repressed my hurt so much that i just dont know that i can feel anymore. i dont feel bad when i hear about the pain other people go through, and i dont feel and pity for those who have problems that seem so petty. i know i dont like to talk about my problems but hearing others just doesnt mean anything to me anymore. i know this has started to sound like rambling but theres no other way for me to get out how i feel. my mom and brother blame him for what he did and are mad at him, and when im at home my mom constantly says things like why did he do such a selfish thing and i just feel like slapping her because she never knew what he really was like and how much he sacrificed for his family. okay sorry now im done.
snickersbar snickersbar
18-21, F
1 Response Apr 18, 2007

hey there girl- I can't say that i have lost a parent to suicide but I did lose the love of my life to suicide. Right now emotions are so RAW, just getting up in the morning is probably hard at this point. Hang in there ! Someday you will be able to feel something again .Compassion is hard to feel when people seem so oblivious to your pain ;Some people may even act as nothing has happened because they don't know what to say;They figure if they can take your mind off of your Dad for even a moment it will help you .But, what they don't know is you can't think of nothing else right now.... It's OK . Dear you couldn't of saved him , please don't blame yourself the people who don't tell are the one's who don't want saved .I know that might sound harsh but, Think about it ;When someone cries for Help they tell somebody or they attempt it just enough that maybe they will survive.When my childern's Father killed himself he shot himself in the head .He didn't want help ,<br />
he wanted his pain and horrible depression to be gone.<br />
He didn't think about what we would go through after he was gone. And as painful as it is right now it is selfish to leave your loved one's to go through the HELL families like your's mine and anyone else who has had someone commit suicide goes through. I don't know you or your family ; I do know that EVERYONE who loses someone too this evil needs someone ,even if it's just to listen to you and be there not judging you or being critical of your feelings. HANG ON !!!! YOU NEVER FORGET BUT THE PAIN LESSENS AS THE YEARS GO BY....