My Dad Is Gone

I was 20 years old when I found my father shot in the head with the family shot gun by his own hands. I can still hear my screams echoing off the halls of the house where I had all my childhood memories. My pain and anguish from that afternoon are still with me 4 years later. They say that with time things will get better. I call bullshit.. It only gets worse. Every day I struggle with the fact that I'll never hear my dad laugh again, I'll never see him make funny faces just to see me smile. Now all I see ate the images and the nightmares that haunt me from that day. I have to live with those images for the rest of my life. I will never know why he decided to me his family and I will always be pained by his loss. Maybe if I was a better daughter some how he would have decided to stay... Life goes on though, what kind of life can I have when I feel so broken all the time?
Jennyyy Jennyyy
3 Responses Sep 16, 2012

My daughter lost her father to suicide in 2006. The daily routines go on, but there is still tremendous pain. Every milestone like graduation,etc simply adds the beacon of loss over us all. We cry a lot of tears and I sometimes wonder if just my presence is enough for her because she misses him so much. No parent wishes this type of pain on their kids. All I can say, as a parent that has two children in similar grief, take it one day at a time. One minute at a time if need be. There will come a time in which life will settle and the pain won't be so powerful everyday. There will always be moments that they should be there and the sting will be strong. Weather the storms with family and friends. If your dad could have seen past his pain and glimpsed a portion of what you feel he would have made a different decision. Rest assured. Stay strong and keep the good memories alive.

I'm so sorry! My cousins lost there uncle and almost cosuin! Cause his dad which is there uncle wanted to kill the cousin then himself I believe but the son decided not to go into the middle of nowhere with him! The dad went though and shot himself!

I lost my dad when I was13. It's been seven years now, and although it still hurts, it has gotten a little better. I've learned that you will never be able to figure out why it happened, or what he was thinking when it happened, and that you can't blame yourself for any part of it. Of course, this is much easier said than done. If you dwell on these questions, they'll just drive you deeper into the pain. Something I do that might help you is that when I start asking these questions, I try to stop them right away. You just have to tell yourself over and over that it was his choice, and you'll never know why he chose it, and it was not your fault. Then, move on to happier thoughts. It's tough, and it takes practice, but learning to take control of these thoughts can save you from falling into a spiral of grief and self-blame.