I Want To Understand The Other Side

I am a person who has attempted suicide more than enough times, never succeeded ( obviously ) but at times I was pretty close. After I did them, it felt like everyone distanced themselves from me, I felt like I had to battle alone and no one to care for me except for my best friend..even she, had a life. I know people have lives. I know they need to live them. I know they have other friends to be with..but at the same time, I felt like when I needed anyone the most, they where never there. I never felt actually alone, I felt alone and in pain inside. I cracked under so much pressure that I thought that because someone wasn't talking to me all the time or talking to me right away that they really didn't want to be around me. I felt betrayed and alone inside..

What I'm here to try and understand is how the victim of a friend or family member actually feels or even felt when they went through the process..Did you know? Did you not know? Did it really hurt or where you not surprised? Did you care for them or did you only care for them when they died? I'm not asking anyone to out them. I'm asking them because I need to understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm wrong in a situation where I think that they don't care at all..I just want to understand how a person feels when someone ends there life..If it's something I shouldn't be doing, I won't do it..I don't wanna end my life on a vein note..
Athru Athru
26-30, M
3 Responses Sep 22, 2012

My husband killed himself and I can honestly tell you the other side is devestating and angry and hurt and lonely and so so wrong you have no answers no closure no way out of the struggle you are now forced to live no hope no rest no life no will to go on. You want to understand the other side it is my true hope and prayer that you never have to because it is the absolute worst and I wouldn't wish it on anyone ever.

I first want to say that I'm really sorry to hear you went through something so tragic. I know it was very hard to lose someone so close to you, someone you could call yours.

The reason why I want to know the other side, is not to experience it but to get a better understanding why people have near separated from me after the things that I've done. I have tried to end my life on many different occasions, most of them where when I was a young teen. My best friend talked to me when I was having a down mood and she explained to me that she was worried that she would lose me one day. I didn't quite understand why she would care that much, I was blinded by my own problems. I came here to ask people to share their feelings about their loved ones who have committed suicide and I've also asked to know the reasons why it was such a selfish act. I got them, thanks to you guys and I've been doing a lot better since then. I've been happy and hanging out with my friends and family a lot and i'm starting to live a normal life :)

There's a lot that I could say to this, so I'll try to keep it short. I cared so much about my dad, but it was hard most of the time because we didn't have a very close relationship. Don't get me wrong, I actually was trying to get to know my own dad better, but it seemed to me like the more I tried, the more he just didn't respond... I guess becuase he was getting consumed by whatever it was that was taking him. I knew that he was struggling becuase he saw a counselor who put him on meds for his depression and told my mom something, but I was never told about what my mom was told by the counselor until afterwards. So i really didn't know it was quite as bad as it was, I just wanted a relationship with my dad before I went to college. So, I definitely cared, because I wanted him in my life a lot more than he was but he was pulling away instead. And when it all happened... I felt like my whole world ended. I still feel like that a lot. In fact, last night I looked up at my dad's picture and burst into tears becuase I miss him so much. It seems like it all happened yesterday, but was 2 years ago. I wish I had known how bad it all was for him,that I had succeeded in getting to know him better, and that he was still here. Everyone misses him... and every family gathering is awkward now becuase the whole extended family is afraid to mention him around us, so my older cousins have to pull me aside to ask how my family is doing becuase they all worry so much about all of us now but are afraid to say something and make any of us upset, but they all miss him too. Worse yet, losing my father the way I did has impacted me so much so that I've also wanted to take the same path. But I think seeing how much it really has hurt my family and knowing all the pain that I feel every day as a result is the main reason why i don't.And becuase I wouldn't want your loved one's to ever have to go through that either, I want you to know that if you EVER need someone to just talk to, I'd be more than happy to. Honestly. Because I know life can be hard and it sucks to feel alone during those hard times.

Some of your answers may be found in my story if you would like to read it. I remember the night after we found out that dad was gone. I remember that most of the day was just a constant dull feeling of grief, but that night something hit me like a thunderbolt. I remember putting myself into his frame of mind. He had lost his parents, his son was in a war that he might not return from, his body was failing him, he was alone with nothing but more grief to come. And I remember that what struck me the most is that I felt he had forgotten about me. In all of his grief, he failed to see how much I loved him and needed him. He didn't see that no matter what would happen, I would still be there for him and love him like I always had. And I remember wishing I could tell him these things and being angry that he had left me here to suffer without him. But most of all, I was full of grief because he died not knowing how much I loved him. He died mistakenly feeling that he was alone and that I didn't care about him. Maybe this answers your question, I'm not sure. Something else I can tell you is that the 'process' never really ends. In my mind, I only lost dad a week or two ago. I have a feeling it will always be that way. Losing someone like that impacts you for the rest of your life.