I Will Never Do It, Even At My Lowest Points: I Have Lost Too Many People To Suicide

The first person I lost to suicide was my uncle. Sadly the time after his death is when I have some of my clearest first memories. I was only 5 years old. I remember sitting on my grandparents living room floor watching the news (he was a high profile lawyer), the reporters talking about his "untimely" death. I remember as a 5 year old, not understanding why everyone was so sad and angry, trying to get my mom to stop crying. I remember going to the church service, wake, and funeral. I remember how hot it was in the Church one night, it was so hot and stuffy my mom and I went outside on the stairs, and that exact feeling of the cool air hitting my skin. I remember walking through the grass at the cemetery, I wondered why he did not have a stone like everyone else (now that I am older I have found out).
I wish my first memories were not of my Uncle's funeral, especially because he committed suicide.
My Uncle did not leave a note telling why he did what he did. But he did leave a poem, a poem that my mom has kept in a frame in our living room ever since.
I read that poem a lot when I was growing up. I learned about depression when I was in middle school, that I when I discovered that I have depression. Now I say I Fight depression, not have depression. But I NEVER thought about committing suicide, because I never want my family to go through that again.

When I was a sophomore high school, a classmate committed suicide. He was the class clown, and no one understood why he did what he did. Sadly that is all to common, not knowing WHY. He was a friend, but not a extremely close friend, so I was a support person for my classmates who were close friends with him.

When I was a Junior in college I lost another high school classmate to suicide. He was one of my best friends before we even were in elementary school. We played Power Rangers, I was pink ranger and he was black ranger. He had a rough life, his family life was not the best and that lead to behavior problems at school. Eventually it lead to our breakup as best friends. I still would call him a friend no matter what. When he died he left behind a Son, yea at the age of 20 he was a father. Why? Only my 20 year old friend who OD knows why.

This year I lost two people to Suicide. One was a ex-boyfriend from college. Sadly he committed suicide a YEAR before I found out, you are probably wondering how this is possible. He and I did not have a good break up and I hardly knew any of his friends, so when we broke up I lost all contact other than him and I being friends on facebook. And that is how I found out, a picture of a drawing someone made that said RIP FLASH. His nickname. Flash was Bipolar, but a funny guy. I learned so much about bipolar and how to be with someone who was bipolar. You know the saying about there is a reason you meet a person whether is was a good or bad experience.
The other friend I lost this year, and the most recent one was my first crush and my first kiss. We were 6 years old and we kissed under my bed, and got into BIG trouble for it. When my mom called me to tell me that he had committed suicide I cried and then started laughing while I cried. The reason, I remembered My first KISS. When I found out that he had died, the first thing I did was write a note to his family, telling them the story of his and my first kiss. I wanted them to have a happy memory of him. You see he was a tough person to love. I got a letter back from them, and now that I don't live at home, it is like My Uncle's Poem, I have it in my room and will read the letter every so often. The one line his father wrote, that will always stick in my mind is "the hardest thing for us to do is love someone that it is difficult to like." My friend was a very troubled person, and he was hard to get along with as he grew up, he had a lot of emotional problems. But the most important thing was that no matter what his family and friends always loved him.

This is why I will never commit suicide, even at my lowest points. Because I have seen all the hurt it causes, I have felt all the hurt it causes. I would never do that to my family. I hope this may help someone who has ever thought about committing suicide, Please don't because there is someone it will hurt. You can not always think about your self, you have to think about others too. Ask for help, because someone cares.
IrishHeart2011 IrishHeart2011
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

Sorry about so many losses. Thanks for sharing with us.

Good for you and stay strong.