Today.

This morning at around 4:30am I found him. I thought I hated him. I thought I wanted him dead. I thought I would stand there and smile over his corpse, he had done so many bad things to me. But I guess I didn't. I guess I had just wanted things to be the way they were at the beginning. I don't know why he did it. We didn't fight yesterday. He didn't leave a note. I just don't know. But now it's done and there is nothing anyone can do to undo it. In these last years the fun moments we had were few and far between and I am sure I will remember them with sadness.
katnipkitkat katnipkitkat
41-45, F
2 Responses Dec 3, 2012

Kat, Your husband killed himself? OmG, say this is not true............are you okay?

Yes, it's true. And no, I'm not ok. I'm a worthless piece of crap for letting a human being die.

No dear, please don't blame yourself. Do you have someone with you, someone to be with you, family and friends?

I don't want to be with anyone. No one deserves to be burdened with me and my problems.

Kat, you need to be with someone. This is not a time for you to be alone, especially given your state of mind about it being your fault. It was not your fault. He was sick......in his mind. You were both suffering terrible things, and it got all confused, and ended in this tragedy. I am so very sorry. I wish someone was with you. I am here if you need me to be with you. Please call someone. Did you call the authorities? Family? Friends? You need someone to help you with all this. Love and hugs to you, Kat, please seek help.

It was too late when I called the ambulance.
What kind of person am I that someone would rather be dead than be with me?

Kat, you MUST stop this. He did not kill himself because of you, he killed himself because of HIM. He was a sick man, who treated you with cruelty for years because of his sickness, and now he paid the ultimate price. This is not about you, Kat, this is about him. You are feeling guilt because this is natural when a loved one does this, but you need someone with you. I cannot do anything for you from this side of the world on EP, you need someone with you. Please accept the loving kindness of others. You need to do this Kat.

I just wish I never existed.

You must exist. Kat, call someone RIGHT Now!

I have to go to the viewing today and the funeral tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to see all those people. I just want to stop time and sit and sit and sit for a long long time.

I really understand that dear. I really do. Can you go for a walk, sit in the park or somewhere just to be alone with your thoughts but not completely alone. I know you want to be alone, but it is best that you not be. Kat, what you need more than anything right now is Love and the compassion and comfort of others. You are in shock now, but please be with those who are closest to you. Please Kat.

I am alone, but I have the internet. I can type anything I want anytime I want.

Okay dear. Well I am here, and I am hoping your other friends are here too....to be with you. Writing your thoughts and feelings down can help, so at least EP is good for that. Kat, do you want me to call you?

No. I don't want to talk to anyone. I do better just typing.

Okay dear. If you want to message me, please do so anytime. I am here. God bless you, Kat. Love and Hugggggggggggggsssssssssssssss

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Omg so srr