Where Is My Mind.

One of those sleepless nights with the thought of you keeping me up..

Some many people have lost someone to suicide..

But everyone describes the pain differently.
Describing it doesn't explain all of the pain you feel..
It explains parts of it..
Nobody ever says how when they're up late at night the pain hits all at once like it was just yesterday.

Nobody ever says how some nights that pain is so painful you want to take your own life to get rid of it.. To just be with that person..

People say time heals. But that is total bullshit. That pain doesn't go away. It doesn't hurt any less.

It's wrapped around your heart.. It burns a whole through your mind..
Through your thoughts.

That person consumes your mind.. It's like they've taken over your whole mind.

You ask yourself
where is my mind..
Because You're slowly becoming unhinged.





Lost0929 Lost0929
18-21
2 Responses Dec 5, 2012

you explain it so well. i lost my friend just a few weeks ago. i did blame myself because i knew he was suicidal but that blame and guilt was short lived. it was followed by just pure sadness because as you said, even though you move past the guilt for not preventing what they did, it doesn't make the pain any less intense. in fact it may have made it worse because i can't get his pain out of my mind. the fact that he felt so bad that he had no other choice. this kind of thing changes you, makes your heart more fragile and i hate it.

I know exactly how you feel, lost the love of my life a month ago, i am 5 months pregnant with his son, and there is no way of me to think about taking my own life...perhaps in the future but i know its not a solution, as it only passes your pain to others and they carry it..i try not to think suicide thoughts, i just remind myself on how some many people love me, especially my kids..and yes it also hits me like it was just yesterday, the flashbacks, the day he passed and i saw him laying there in the church on a paramedic bed wish his blanket wrapped around him, i was told to go see him for me to believe that he was really gone, that was the most painful day of my life, felt his cold stiff hand..hardest thing ive been through..to this day it hits me with a ton a bricks..you are not alone. Sorry if i wrote too much, i just needed to express myself..let this out.

If you can't so it for yourself then do it for others.
But that's really hard to do...
That person you loved whether it was a family member or a friend or the love of your life, that person wanted to take there own life.. They wanted to die?
Everyone blames themselves whenever someone dies of suicide when it's not their fault. But that doesn't make you feel any better. You can understand that it wasn't your fault, that they didn't wanna live here anymore, but pain doesn't hurt or ease knowing that. It hurts just as much. I understand the person didn't intend to hurt there loved ones on purpose , but that's what happened.. And there's nothing that can take the pain away. Pain is a shadow that follows you everywhere.