Those I Lost To Suicide

I don't even know how to begin. I rarely talk about this to anyone. When I was a young child I seemed to have such a happy great family. Looks can be deceiving I guess. My father had a lot of health problems and seemed to be suffering from some type of psychological issues related to them. The on and off abusing of drugs didn't help. When I was 11 he shot himself after an argument with my mother. It was very sudden and took everyone by surprise. I was the one who accidently found his body. The image of that was suppressed for a long time. I didn't even think it bothered me until I realized just how deeply it laid buried so many years later.

My mother died a few years later. I don't think it was suicide but there is a slight possibility it was. After that my older brother was pretty much all I had left. There were times when I felt like all was lost and wanted to kill myself too. I managed to pull myself back from the edge. My brother gave me hope and helped me hang on. He ended up taking his own life in 1994 after having marriage and job problems. I don't know why I didn't do more to help him knowing how depressed he was. I did only what I thought was best and hoped that he would be ok. I didn't know how to help him. I didn't really think he would kill himself even though he tried before.

These are my experiences with loss to suicide. There were others, such as a distant relative who killed herself when I was younger. A co-worker who took his own life. A college acquaintance who killed herself. All my life it seems people around me have killed themselves. But of course it was my brother and father who had the most meaning. Sometimes I wonder if it's my destiny to do the same. I know that's very fatalistic thinking. I just try to hold on to what all who I loved have lost-hope.
SomeoneOutThere SomeoneOutThere
41-45, M
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

Im so sorry

Thank you. That is very kind of you to say!