I Don't Know What To Do.

I lost my husband to suicide 8 years ago. I was only 22 years old. At that age both me and my husband liked to party and drink way too much. The night it happened, we had been out with friends. We started fighting over something that still makes no sense to me. We got home and we were still fighting. We loved each other so much, but kept saying horrible things to each other. At the time we were staying with his parents to save money for our own home. They had made an apartment out of the basement, and that night I told him to go sleep upstairs on the couch and we could talk in the morning. He walked out of our room and closed the door. I heard him moving stuff around, but I assumed he was looking for his pajama pants. I listened to a few songs and sobered up enough to question what we were fighting about. I decided to go upstairs and cuddle up with him. I walked out of our room to find my husband hanging in the doorway. Wow. It is so hard to relive this. He had used his belt. I tried everything to get him down. At the hospital, the cops asked me where the knife was I used to cut him down. I don't remember cutting him down. I just remember him falling. He fell and his eyes opened when he fell. They never closed again. I started giving him CPR. I was so panicked I didn't know what to do. I just wanted him to live so bad. I couldn't find my phone. I had to run upstairs and wake his grandmother up. I was able to call 911 and continue giving CPR. His grandmother woke his mother and father. I will never forget his mother's screams. The ambulance showed up and we went to the hospital. My husband was on life support for an entire day. The nuerologists brought his parents and I in and explained to us that he only had lower brain stem activity. I knew I had lost the man I loved. I had lost all of our hopes and dreams. His heart failed a few hours later. I know the alcohol was a big factor in his choice. He never talked about suicide before. He never talked about being sad. I miss him all the time. I blame myself and always will. I do not need anyone telling me not to either. That means nothing to me. 8 years later and I have an issue that is scaring me.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He is the only person I have loved since losing my husband. He knows what happened. My boyfriend has a drinking problem. I no longer drink alcohol. Sometimes, when he gets drunk, he talks about killing himself. The second the words come out of his mouth, I mentally shut down. He worries so much about what his family thinks of him. I don't know if I should talk to them. Money has been tight so we are both stressed. I get being stressed. I would never threaten somthing like that.Last night was the worse. He told me there was nothing stopping him from blowing his brains out. He is a hunter so there are plenty of guns in our home. I don't know what to do. I can't bear this burden anymore. What if he really does it? Is there something wrong with me? I don't know how to talk to his family about this. They lost his brother to a car accident 2 years ago and I don't want them to lose anyone else. I don't want to go through that again. I could use some advice. I am a strong person, but not when it comes to suicide.
jurnee82 jurnee82
31-35, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

Talk to someone about it, whether it be his family or a counselor. Talk with him about getting counseling. Saving his life is worth trying to find someone to help.