Goodbye My Beautiful Sister <3

I lost my sister to suicide last November. In so many ways i feel responsible for her death. We shared everything... so how could i possibly not see how much pain she was in? Her boyfriend had been hitting her. I knew this, yet i did nothing...
I found the pregnancy test in our bathroom bin, yet i said nothing...
She was the older one. The mature one, so naturally I assumed that she could take care of herself! She always looked out for me, but i never returned the favour. And then i found her swinging from a rope in her bedroom one night when our mum was away for the weekend. I guess she didn't cope as well as i thought she could.
That was the most awful thing that I could ever imagine happening to someone. Having to ring the police in floods of tears, to tell them that your sister has just committed suicide. Maybe if i had just been a little less selfish, and thought that maybe she was hurting, and that she might need some help, then maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I am so confused. I just don't understand how i could have been so blind, and how someone could be in so much pain, yet show no signs of sadness at all.
If anyone has any experience in this type of situation could you please help me to understand, so maybe I could feel a little less awful about myself for not stopping her? :(
CrimsonAngell CrimsonAngell
18-21, F
5 Responses Dec 11, 2012

My sister hung herself on April 1st of this year. It is so hard. I feel like if I had only been there for her better, that she'd still be here. I tried as well as I could, but it wasn't enough. It really is hard...I don't think I'll ever get over it. I wish it were easier to get over.

when people are saddened and depressed they wont show any signs because they dont want you to see them in pain. they want you to think everything is okay so that it makes committing suicide easier for them. if they showed the signs and then people started noticing it would make it harder for that person to end it all. its not your fault she did what she did.

i am really sorry and i am sure your sister was an amazing person. i do not have experience of this situation but i think that sometimes, it is good to remember things like this, even if it makes you feel embarrassed because you cry. i lost a baby sister to heart disease 4 years ago and i know it's not the same but that is how i overcame my sadness.

It is difficult to go through something like that. I lost my younger sister in a similar way three years ago and I know the pain is unbearable. 
Most people who have depression do not show how they feel inside, because they dont want to worry others with their problems, although us like family would have loved to help. 
having the impulse to commit suicide takes a lot of courage, and its something that cannot be predicted or stopped. When someone is determined to do it, its just a matter of time and place until it happens. Don't think that she didn't think of you or your family.. she definitely did.. but her pain was so big that killing herself was the only way out of her suffering she found. Please don't feel guilty for what happened... what you need to understand is that deciding to do something like that was only up to your sister... and how could you know what was really going though her head? As much as we might love our dear ones we cannot guess or have any idea of what is truly going through their hearts and minds. 
Recovering from an experience like this always takes a lot of time.. you will go through many different stages like Tjeff said... Dont repress your feelings and try to talk them over with someone that can listen to you and support you. I really hope you realize you are not alone in this grief.. and even if i dont know you, i know how you feel and Im praying for you and for all your suffering to go away.. These might not be the right words at the time, but trust me, there is nothing in this world that stays forever... I can assure you that you will smile again... god knows so :) ... keep strong!

your words make a lot of sense, and i am so sorry for your loss also. It is an awful thing, but im sure we will both get through it in time. thankyou for your support it means alot to me

Oh my dear.... I wish I could give you a big hug. Sometimes people choose to hide their pain because they feel like they're a burden- even when we don't see it that way at all.
Suicide always leaves us with questions of why.... But even if we were able to get a reason, that reason will never be a good enough reason to us.
I hate to tell you this, but you're in for a long road (just as I am). The best advice I can give you is to allow yourself to feel how you're feeling and don't set any timeline on yourself that you should feel better by a certain time/date. You'll go through periods of sadness, guilt, anger, depression. Just please remember how this has made you feel..... Don't continue the trend, because it then turns into a cycle that will just continue.
My heart goes out to you and I wish I could take away all of your pain. Lean on the people you love and be strong enough to ask for help.

Thankyou so much. I will try and stay stong, and i hope you will too, even though it will be difficult. Thankyou for understanding