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My Star In The Sky

i've just lost my boyfriend to suicide on the 3rd of December 2012 . I lost Tom only 27 days ago but he went missing on the 17th of november this year after finishing work. so i haven't seen him since then. every day is a battle an i wish the days away. i think my friends and family are sick of me talking about him. I'm feeling lost and lonely without the love of my life and i'm scared i'll never find love again because we where the double of one another and everyone says that to me. I feel i've lost my 1 chance of love and i should of done more for tom. his friends and family say i made him the happiest man alive but its hard to believe that right now, i keep blaming myself and the world like was there signs we all missed could we have done more? my friend says its not normal for me to go to where he was found, but it brings me comfort an she doesn't seem to understand that. I love Tom so much and it feels like a part of me has died and gone with him. I feel so lonely and lost without tom by my side. i still go to send him text messages and call him like we did every day an i wait for him to call me back and i think about tom all day an night. His suicide follows me around like a big dark cloud. We had planned are future together and i never seen this coming. its just makes no sense at all. will it ever get better?
mystar2012 mystar2012 22-25, F 4 Responses Dec 30, 2012

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i lost my boyfriend the same time you did. i hope it does get better.

I think we all miss the signs or don't take people seriously, unless we've lost someone this way before. And I understand your desire to want to go to the spot he was found. I was the same way when my friend shot himself a few weeks ago. Everyone has their own way of processing this kind of loss. Some like to confront it head on and some people need to distance themselves a bit before they can face certain things. It's just important that everyone is respectful of your way of dealing and processing. One thing I can say is that if you haven't already, please seek out a therapist to see. Going through something like this is not something you should do alone. And having that kind of support from someone who is a third party to it all that didn't know your boyfriend, is really helpful. Trust me on that.

Please be kind to yourself through this process and if you ever need anything, feel free to send me a message. Take care.

I'm not sure how much comfort/help this will really be to you, but looking back on the two years since I lost my father, for me the most emotional draining part was the weeks my father was missing and we hadn't a clue what had happened or where he was. I'd like to tell you that it gets better, which it does to an extent, but i'm only two years in on this journey and it's still a challenge some days. There are days where I can smile and laugh at the memories that I have cherished, but just the same, there are days where I simply get mad over it all. The others are right though, it's hard not knowing why. It's the infamous question that can never be answered. But, they are also right that healing will come over time and there will come another chance in the future to love again.

In the meantime, there isn't anything that you can do about the past. What's done is done. Now you need to surround yourself with family and friends who will support you through these difficult times while you take it all in. There isn't a time table for how long it will take to get better, so don't put expectations on yourself either.

the hardest thing is not knowing why he did what he did, why didnt he just talk to you about it, however it will get easier, as the days slip by, it will take time; give yourself plenty...I believe you have not lost your one chance. there will be different chances to come in the future just dont rush your healing.