She'll Never Know Who I Have BecomeI was in Advanced Individual Training after Army Basic Combat Training in January 2008 when I got the Red Cross message that my mother was dead. I called my brother and he told me that she committed suicide. I took six days to go home and take care of the wake and the funeral. Then I went back to work.
I just kept moving forward.
Now here I am almost 5 years later and it wont leave me. Everywhere I look I see the pain. Things I want to share with her that I can't. Girls I want to introduce to her that I cant. Problems about which I want to ask from her advice, but I cant. I'm spent.
It hasn't gotten any easier.
I've been in therapy. I've read books. I've spilled my story to people. Nothing helps.
I'm not close with a lot of people in my family. my brother is dear to me, but he's so far away. my father is starting a life with another family, and my step father is emotionally un-available. My friends are there for me, but there is just something they don't get about it and I feel alienated when I look at them.
The emptiness I feel is becoming less tangible and I'm afraid of that. I am a shell of who I used to be. I smile for people. I put on a show. I play the games. Nothing seems to get easier. I get angrier day by day and I have no one to tell about it.
What do I do?