I Lost Someone To Suicide

She'll Never Know Who I Have Become

By: pancakedaddy

Written on January 5th, 2013

I was in Advanced Individual Training after Army Basic Combat Training in January 2008 when I got the Red Cross message that my mother was dead. I called my brother and he told me that she committed suicide. I took six days to go home and take care of the wake and the funeral. Then I went back to work.

I just kept moving forward.

Now here I am almost 5 years later and it wont leave me. Everywhere I look I see the pain. Things I want to share with her that I can't. Girls I want to introduce to her that I cant. Problems about which I want to ask from her advice, but I cant. I'm spent.

It hasn't gotten any easier.

I've been in therapy. I've read books. I've spilled my story to people. Nothing helps.

I'm not close with a lot of people in my family. my brother is dear to me, but he's so far away. my father is starting a life with another family, and my step father is emotionally un-available. My friends are there for me, but there is just something they don't get about it and I feel alienated when I look at them.

The emptiness I feel is becoming less tangible and I'm afraid of that. I am a shell of who I used to be. I smile for people. I put on a show. I play the games. Nothing seems to get easier. I get angrier day by day and I have no one to tell about it.

What do I do?

By: pancakedaddy

Age: 26-30

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5 responses

WisersDeLux

Since my father committed suicide, it hasn't been a case of wanting to show how much I've advanced, but it is more or a case of how much I miss him. And it comes in the most obscure situations. The most obvious is in yard maintenance. Since he was slowly loosing his short term memory, he was always two steps behind my asking what needed to done, where things needed to be place and what needed be done next. And, in all honesty, it drove me nuts. However, the first time I mowed the lawn without him, it felt hallow; that there was something significant missing in the process. And I've found the thing I want to prove the most to him is how much I needed him.

Jan 18
1 like
Lonely103

Please always remember that she was not only your mother, she was a human being full of pain and suffering. Try not to blame her since while this comes off as "cowardly" to some, it's actually "bravery" to others. To be the owner of your life so as to say when it is enough. You'll never stop thinking about her and things you could've done with her, but your life goes on. The world moves on. It's been a long time but big scars like this don't heal so fast. That sensation of numbness will eventually go away, but try and help yourself. Try to accept that she did it instead of trying to understand why. Try and find a hobby, something that requires concentration, even if you don't really like it at first. People like to say "u r not alone", but in situations like this, it will be nothing but your own determination that will help you.

Jan 17
1 like
Makingadiffrence

Omg I'm soooooooo srry but just know she'll always be with u in ur heart and she'll always I mean always b there 4 u watching over u like a guardian angel I know wat it's Like I lost my nana ON CHRISTMAS EVE even worse and I'm still not over it just know ppl will ALWAYS be there for u by ur side

Jan 12
1 like
jjagroop1435

Grieve. You need to go through the process; look up the definition. Accept the loss, Sorry if I come off like a *****.

Jan 12
1 like
loudsilence1

Truthfully, Im in a lot of pain and I want to die. But I have a daughter. She is 8 years old. If I killed myself, she would feel like you do. But sometimes the pain is so overwhelming, you cant live. Not even for your kids. I'm sorry you are hurting, but at least she isnt suffering anymore

Jan 5
1 like

I Lost Someone To Suicide

She'll Never Know Who I Have Become

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