She'll Never Know Who I Have Become

I was in Advanced Individual Training after Army Basic Combat Training in January 2008 when I got the Red Cross message that my mother was dead. I called my brother and he told me that she committed suicide. I took six days to go home and take care of the wake and the funeral. Then I went back to work.

I just kept moving forward.

Now here I am almost 5 years later and it wont leave me. Everywhere I look I see the pain. Things I want to share with her that I can't. Girls I want to introduce to her that I cant. Problems about which I want to ask from her advice, but I cant. I'm spent.

It hasn't gotten any easier.

I've been in therapy. I've read books. I've spilled my story to people. Nothing helps.

I'm not close with a lot of people in my family. my brother is dear to me, but he's so far away. my father is starting a life with another family, and my step father is emotionally un-available. My friends are there for me, but there is just something they don't get about it and I feel alienated when I look at them.

The emptiness I feel is becoming less tangible and I'm afraid of that. I am a shell of who I used to be. I smile for people. I put on a show. I play the games. Nothing seems to get easier. I get angrier day by day and I have no one to tell about it.

What do I do?
pancakedaddy pancakedaddy
4 Responses Jan 5, 2013

Please always remember that she was not only your mother, she was a human being full of pain and suffering. Try not to blame her since while this comes off as "cowardly" to some, it's actually "bravery" to others. To be the owner of your life so as to say when it is enough. You'll never stop thinking about her and things you could've done with her, but your life goes on. The world moves on. It's been a long time but big scars like this don't heal so fast. That sensation of numbness will eventually go away, but try and help yourself. Try to accept that she did it instead of trying to understand why. Try and find a hobby, something that requires concentration, even if you don't really like it at first. People like to say "u r not alone", but in situations like this, it will be nothing but your own determination that will help you.

Omg I'm soooooooo srry but just know she'll always be with u in ur heart and she'll always I mean always b there 4 u watching over u like a guardian angel I know wat it's Like I lost my nana ON CHRISTMAS EVE even worse and I'm still not over it just know ppl will ALWAYS be there for u by ur side

Grieve. You need to go through the process; look up the definition. Accept the loss, Sorry if I come off like a *****.

Truthfully, Im in a lot of pain and I want to die. But I have a daughter. She is 8 years old. If I killed myself, she would feel like you do. But sometimes the pain is so overwhelming, you cant live. Not even for your kids. I'm sorry you are hurting, but at least she isnt suffering anymore