My Good Friend Killed Himself Two Weeks Ago.

My friend shot himself in a park next to his house a few weeks ago. The past few weeks have been heartbreaking. This is not an easy thing to go through.

My friend had been depressed for awhile and more recently made us aware that he was feeling suicidal. We talked about therapy, medications and shared our own stories and battles with depression. He was respectful but stubborn. I think he thought he could handle it...sometimes. I come from a family where my sister has made poor attempts at suicide and I tend to not take it very seriously. I made that mistake with my friend. I wish that I would've helped him more. He was so special to us and I just hope he knows that.

I'm not angry with him because I understand being in so much pain that it feels as though there is only one solution. The only part of me that is angry is angry for a selfish reason and that is because I won't get anymore time with him. I don't want to have to miss him. I want to be able to call him and say, "come over." And he would always. He didn't care what we did he just liked to hangout. He was the easiest person to spend time with. He was so kind and caring and helpful to everyone. It's so hard to find friends like that and ones that are just hilarious to boot.

I've lost a lot people in my life. Mostly to illness or simply old age. That kind of loss feels so different. Suicide is so awful because you have the shock of it but then you're left with knowledge that he did this to himself...that he felt so terrible that killing himself was the only option. I hate that in his last moments he felt that way. That he felt so badly and we weren't able to save him.

I'm just going to miss him so much. Each day is so hard and so strange without him. Its hard to just put yourself back together and return to work and regular life after something like that. My friend is in most of my thoughts. I think his name or just randomly say his name out loud. Of course songs will make me cry in a second. I just hate this. I hate that this wasn't prevented somehow and that we get no more time with him. My heart is broken.
marvel1313 marvel1313
31-35, F
5 Responses Jan 21, 2013

Thanks for writing this. It expresses what we go through when we lose someone in this way, some we loved tremendously. My friend sounds so much like yours. They were these geniunely beautiful people who touched our hearts. I miss my friend so much. On a sunny day I look to the sky and hope to see him, or to feel that he is with me. Time right now isn't helping me, it only cements that I am farther away from him. I so wish I could have saved my friend, but I didn't and my friendship apparently wasn't enough to keep him here. I will always have to deal with that, in some way maybe I fell short. Thank you again for putting many of the thoughts I have had into words.

I know what you going threw i lost my boyfriend to suicide as well and not a day goes by that i dont think about him 4 months before our wedding he decided to just leave me,his son his family friends and everyone who he touched behind i wish i could rewind back to the day before he left and just try to prevent it from happening he meant so much to me i loved him so much my heart literally pains i will never have him back my son will never know his father i usually think of ending it all as well but then i think about my son and how his future will be my boyfriend was my best friend he was my everything i really miss him and though they say it will get better ill never get over his death his death left my scared for life i will never experience the type of love he had for me ever again i got his name tattooed on my rib cage where my heart is he will always be apart of me

i'm so sorry that this happened to you and your son. i wish no one had to go through this.

I'm sorry for your loss

i am crying right now and have had the same thing happen to me with my best friend growing up .... I had just sat with her outide of th hospital ....not knowing that she had just been released from the mental ward for attempted suicide and was waiting for a ride to pick her up.... I was sitting beside her catching up on lost years as we had grown up together she was my right hand through my youth...the 1st person I told I was pregnant at 17 years old...the best friend that gave me the best advise of my life to keep this baby and do what I had to do....My daughter Ashlyn is now 15 years old and is a beautiful GOD SEND of a daughter that changed my life forever bc I was going down the wrong path at that age and that all changed when I felt her move inside of me....all the put downs in church and high school was worth it now looking back because she changed my life for the better....her dad Nathan Jones and I are not together anymore but she knows that he and I BOTH love her more than GOD loves all of us. The day that sat outsie with my best friend before she hung herself I had just been released from the hospital from delivering my stillborn baby at 20 weeks pregnant (was my first son since I have all girls) This was Sept. 17th and she commited suicide in November...we talked outside on that bench and she never told me she was in the mental ward for attempted suicide but she did tell me she lost her husband a few yars earlier to a drug overdose and she had never gotten over it as they have 3children together.....I still cannot get over the what ifs myself bc I feel like GOD had us on that bench together that day for a reason..she was there when I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant as a teen the 1st time and then she was there when I was 30 being discharged after losing my lat child and I have 3 aughters living now....Mybest friend was there to witness my 1st unexpected pregnancy as a teenager and was also there to witness the loss of my last child 13 years later....only for me to live with the fact now that 2 months after us catching up after all those years on that bench outside the hospital....both of us in desperate pain of a love one my first born son....her it was her huband a year or so earlier...but I ask myself WHY everyday now....I couldnt even go to her funeral...I could barely go to my own sons funeral...but how am I still here with 3 children living and breathing...but sh took her own life and her 3 children are still here without her and their father who had a drug overdose...WHY? I am sill gripped with pain and cannot gt oer these feelings.... I MISS HER... even though we lost contact for years....but then got back in contact at the hospital that day 2 months before she took her own life???????

my friend worked in mental health and surrounded himself with others who worked in mental health. even with that, it wasn't enough to save him. i don't know if we ever could have. i don't think we can ever fully understand what it takes for someone to do this. but the mark they leave on our lives is huge. all i can do recently is remember what i loved about my funny he kind he sweet he was and how he would have done anything for his friends. i love my friend and all i can do now is miss him.

Remember we are going to see our savior soon or late..Thank God for this passing time with us!