My Good Friend Killed Himself Two Weeks Ago.My friend shot himself in a park next to his house a few weeks ago. The past few weeks have been heartbreaking. This is not an easy thing to go through.
My friend had been depressed for awhile and more recently made us aware that he was feeling suicidal. We talked about therapy, medications and shared our own stories and battles with depression. He was respectful but stubborn. I think he thought he could handle it...sometimes. I come from a family where my sister has made poor attempts at suicide and I tend to not take it very seriously. I made that mistake with my friend. I wish that I would've helped him more. He was so special to us and I just hope he knows that.
I'm not angry with him because I understand being in so much pain that it feels as though there is only one solution. The only part of me that is angry is angry for a selfish reason and that is because I won't get anymore time with him. I don't want to have to miss him. I want to be able to call him and say, "come over." And he would always. He didn't care what we did he just liked to hangout. He was the easiest person to spend time with. He was so kind and caring and helpful to everyone. It's so hard to find friends like that and ones that are just hilarious to boot.
I've lost a lot people in my life. Mostly to illness or simply old age. That kind of loss feels so different. Suicide is so awful because you have the shock of it but then you're left with knowledge that he did this to himself...that he felt so terrible that killing himself was the only option. I hate that in his last moments he felt that way. That he felt so badly and we weren't able to save him.
I'm just going to miss him so much. Each day is so hard and so strange without him. Its hard to just put yourself back together and return to work and regular life after something like that. My friend is in most of my thoughts. I think his name or just randomly say his name out loud. Of course songs will make me cry in a second. I just hate this. I hate that this wasn't prevented somehow and that we get no more time with him. My heart is broken.
marvel1313 31-35, F 6 Responses 1 Jan 21, 2013