Lost My Mom. And My Best Friend

My Mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 and had me at 17. We we like identical people. And because of this we fought alot. But My mom was the one person I could talk to about anything. And She always let me and my Sisters know it. It didn't matter what it was. There was no judgement and you could say how you feel.

But Like every mother she had some flaws that drove a huge wedge between us. She was an alcoholic and a drug abuser. But she always but Us Girls first. That is until we lost My Great Grandpa in February. After that she got super depressed and went a wall.

Shortly down the road after that the man she had left my sisters with to be the Guardian While she was "Coping" Molested my Baby sister. And my mom blamed herself. Now my mom had been with this guy for 4 years and He became the first Actual father figure in my life and the betrayal I felt was over whelming.

I had moved out of the house and in with my Fiance shortly after my grandpa died because My mom had been pressuring me into buying stuff to make meth. And I didn't want any part of it.

At the beginning of June my Fiance was leaving to take his month vacation with his bestfriend they had planned for three years. He was leaving me while he went to New Hampshire. Well I decided to go visit some friends I hadn't seen since I moved and Ended up staying with my mom for two weeks.

Well I guess I should state that My mother and I had not talked since My Grad Party Because she hadn't even showed up. And I was really Upset because none of my friends came either.

Well Upon my arrival which was as much as a suprise for her as it was me we talked things out and had the best mother daughter time ever. We did each others hair and Watched movies and talked about how dumb our ole men were.

I was supposed to be there for the month but my boyfriend wasn't comfortable with me being there afraid of the whole drug thing. So I left early in hopes to find a job.

That Night (About 1 AM) i was watching Sons of Anarchy (Which she got me hooked on while i was there) And it was the season they didn't have on dvd. Well While watching I noticed Stephen King was guest starring and had to call my mom. (She was obsessed with him) Well she told me about a problem she was having with the mp3 downloader on her phone and I told her I would call her in the morning to help her through it cause I was tired. Well she said ok and I love you and That she would talk to me in the morning.

I was so happy we had fixed things while we were spending time together because I need my mom for so much.

Well I ended up going to bed at 5 cause I couldn't sleep.

I was awoken at 8 by my phone vibrating next to my head. I answered it and it was my grandpa. He said there had been an accident and it involved my mom. I Cried thinking she had been in an accident. Like car accident. He asked me if my grandma was home (They are divorced) and I had thought she was at work so I told him and he said he was on his way to tell me and I said ok. I walked out of my bedroom crying still and found my grandma standing in the livingroom and told her about the call. i called him and handed her the phone then went to the bathroom.

I came out of the bathroom just on time to hear her say that they were going to have to bring her to the Mortuary here in town. I fell to the ground and cried. Screaming no.

She had hung herself less than 20 min after I got off the phone with her. If only I had helped her.

Even worse. I Blame myself. If only I had stayed the whole time I had planned I could have stopped it. And she didn't leave a note. So for the rest of my life I have to deal with not knowwing why she did it and always thinking that If only.

To top it all off. On the day of her burial I found out that her and the rest of my family and the entire town I grew up in lied to me about who my real dad was for 18 years of my life.
lexxilynn lexxilynn
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 22, 2013

Wow im truly sorry for ur loss...I.cannot imagine the pain this must cause u...I hope u are surrounded by loved ones..I lost my mother young n lost a friend to suicide.. bt still nothing I can say will tame the guilt away..jus knw its nt ur fault...my heart goes out to u..if ever u need a stranger friend to vent or anythin feels free to message me...much love and support...