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My Older Brother...

My brother killed himself a few months ago. I looked up to him, I could always tell him anything and he would stop what he was doing, and he would listen.
I didn't know that he was being hurt so much... he never told me what he was going through... then again, I never asked :( My brother loved to play soccer, he was always studying, he had a good job... he always wanted to hang out with me, and I always wanted to hang out with him.
At school, my brother got picked on, got pushed around, got harassed... but he always put on a smile when he saw me. At school he would get called, g@y, ***, retarded, screw up.... and so many other names...
He took this cr@p for a long time, and I guess he had enough. I was in school when he shot himself in the head but that didn't kill him, my dad picked me up and he didn't say a word to me for a hour, until we got to the hospital, I was thinking that my mom had a stroke or something like that. When I walked into my brothers hospital room, I couldn't talk. I didn't cry... I couldn't... he was still alive but barely... as soon as I opened my mouth, his machine stops beeping.... the doctors rush in and the nurses pulled me out of the room... I still didn't cry... I calmly sat down and I looked at the door... waiting...
That night he was pronounced dead. I walked home in the pouring rain, my dad tried to stop me but I kept going. I went into the backyard and I sat down and I cried, u couldn't stop, I screamed and threw anything that I could lift up. I hate myself for never noticing how much pain my brother was in. I cried myself to sleep outside, my dad came outside and picked me up and took me inside.
I will always hate myself for never noticing.....
NoMoreTearsLeft NoMoreTearsLeft 16-17, M 4 Responses Jan 23, 2013

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This made me shed tears . Don't ever blame your self for it . He played it off very well . It's not your fault at a . Why would you blame your self ? You didn't hurt him or anything . You loved him . It's hard to have someone leave like that but just remember that he's in a much better place looking down on you , your family , and those that he cares about . He's a guardian angel . <3 He's still in your heart , thoughts and dreams . Remember the good times and smile . He won't leave your side ever ....

I'm so sorry

I'm so sad for your loss. My father commited suicide when he was 43, I was 17. My sister died a few years later of a drug over dose at 27. I have two small boys, brothers and am now nearly 50. Your brother loved you very much. You are not to blame. You are just a kid. You need a good counsellor for support. Don't be afraid to talk to friends. It wasn't your fault.

my friend did the same thing a few weeks ago. difference is that i knew he was depressed and suicidal and i still couldn't stop it from happening. i was so mad at him at first for that. if he had just called me that day...i could have stopped him. if i had just called him the night before, i could have prevented it from happening. i realize now i could not have prevented it. it doesn't make the loss any easier. doesn't make me miss him any less. but you have to know that you could not have stopped him.