I Lost My Father Just Recently

WELL, WHERE DO I BEGIN? MY DAD ALWAYS HAD DIABETES AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER. AND WITH THE DIABETES CAME DEPRESSION. HE WASN'T THE SAME DAD THAT I REMEMBER AS A LITTLE GIRL. MY DAD WAS VERY SICK, AND NON COMPLIANT. HE DENIED HIS HEALTH PROBLEM AND DENIED HIS DEPRESSION ISSUES, WHICH WASNT VERY HEALTHY. HE CHOSE NOT TO GET HELP.

WE LIVED IN SPARTANBURG SOUTH CAROLINA WHEN IT ALL HAPPENED. WE WERE MOVING BACK TO FLORIDA, WHICH IS WHERE ME AND MY FAMILY ARE ORIGINALLY FROM. IT WAS TOO DIFFICULT TO LIVE IN SOUTH CAROLINA, IT WAS A CULTURE SHOCK AND WE WERE HOME SICK, AND PLUS MY FATHER AGREED TO GET HELP. 

MY DAD WAS SUPPOSED TO GET US HOME. WE HAD OWNED PROPERTY IN A TOWN NOT TOO FAR FROM SPARTANBURG. WE WERE SELLING THE PROPERTY AND USING THAT MONEY TO GET BACK TO FLORIDA. MY MOM BEING VERY BUSY WORKING ALL THE TIME, DEPENDED ON MY DAD TO GET THE TITLE, CALL THE LAWYER, SIGN PAPERS, ETC. AND IN THIS PROCESS HE LIED TO US EVERY SINGLE DAY  TELLING US THAT HE WAS GETTING IT TAKEN CARE OF, BUT HE NEVER DID. AND WE DIDNT KNOW THIS UNTIL THE DAY OF HIS DEATH.

IT WAS APRIL 11TH OF THIS YEAR. I WAS OUT OF SCHOOL BECAUSE WE WERE MOVING IN TWO DAYS, SO MY MOM KEPT ME AND MY BROTHER HOME WHILE SHE WAS WORKING. MY FATHER HAD RAN A FEW ARRINS THAT DAY. HE WAS HARDLY HOME, WHICH WAS WEIRD, BUT WE WERE MOVING SO WE DIDNT THINK ANYTHING OF IT AT THE TIME. MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS COUSIN RANDALL HAD COME THAT AFTERNOON TO HELP US FINISH PACKING AND TO HELP LOAD THE U-HAUL MY DAD WAS SUPPOSED TO GET WITH MY MOM AFTER WORK.

AS MY DAD LEFT THE HOUSE (WHICH WAS THE LAST TIME I SEEN HIM) THEY WERE WALKING UP THE STAIRS AS HE WAS WALKING DOWN. THEY CAME INTO THE HOUSE. SO OFCOURSE WE WERE GOOFING AROUND ACTING SILLY, JUST BEING TEENAGERS. MY MOM HAD CALLED ABOUT 4:40 ASKING ME WHERE MY FATHER WAS. I SAID I DIDNT KNOW. SHE SAID CALL HIM BECAUSE HES NOT PICKING UP. MY DAD WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PICKING MY MOM UP FROM WORK, BUT HE DIDNT SHOW. SHE ONLY WORKED 5 MINUTES DOWN THE STREET, SO WE WERE ALL CONFUSED AS OF WHY HE WASNT THERE YET.

MY BROTHER'S FRIEND JAMIE STEPPED OUT ON TO THE POURCH AND SEEN THAT THE CAR WAS STILL THERE, SO HE TOLD US. I SAID TO MYSELF "I DONT HAVE ANYTIME TO PLAY GAMES." SO I RAN OUT TO THE CAR AND SEEN NO ONE IN IT. SO WE ALL JUMPED INTO THE CAR TO PICK MY MOM UP, NOT KNOWING WHERE AND WHAT MY DAD WAS DOING.

AFTER WE PICKED HER UP WE CAME HOME, NO CALLS, NO NOTHING. NO SIGN OF MY FATHER. SO WE WAITED AROUND FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN MY MOM CALLED MY BOYFRIEND OUT ON TO THE POURCH AND ASKED HIM IF WE CAN GO LOOK FOR MY DAD, MAYBE HE WAS WALKIGN AROUND (HE DID THAT ALOT. HE ALWAYS DID THAT DUE TO HIS DEPRESSION). SO WE DID. WE WENT OUTSIDE, I ASKED SOME OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS IF THEY SEEN MY DAD. AND THEY SAID YES. THEY POINTED BACK TOWARDS THE WOODS, IN THE DIRECTION OF THE GAS STATION NEXT TO MY NEIGHBORHHOD. SO WE STARTED TO WALK BACK THERE. I WAS HESITANT. SO MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS COUSIN WALKED AHEAD OF ME, AND SEEN HIM. RIGHT BEHIND OUR APARTMENT BUILDING, HE HUNG HIMSELF. I WAS SCARED, ANGRY, SAD, AND JUST ALL THESE EMOTIONS RAN TO ME AT ONCE, I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WAS CONFUSED BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I DIDNT KNOW WHAT THEY'VE SEEN. THEY MADE ME GET IN THE HOUSE AND THEY CALLED 911. MY MOM SEEN ME HISTARICUL SO SHE RUN OUTSIDE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED, AND SHE SCREAMED. THATS WHEN I KNEW HE WAS GONE.

HE LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE. MY MOM DOESNT THINK THAT IM READY TO READ IT. BUT SHE TOLD ME SOME OF WHAT IT SAYS. HE SAID SORRY FOR LYING TO US, AND THAT HE WAS SICK, AND DEPRESSED AND HE DIDNT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

IN A WAY IM STILL VERY ANGRY, BUT RELIEVED AT THE SAME TIME. BUT ME BEING 17 YEARS OLD WITH OUT A FATHER, IT HURTS. I MISS MY DAD.

DADDYSzGIRL DADDYSzGIRL
18-21, F
4 Responses Jun 22, 2007

So sorry. Noone is responsible for his death and there is not anything you could have done to stop it. The illness took him hon.

I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, you have a right to feel whatever you feel. Your dad's depression was just too much for him to handle. There was nothing you or anyone else could have done. Please remember it wasn't your fault. Your family members are all dealing with their grief in their own ways, which maybe not be the same as you. Please find someone or some place that you will feel comfortable talking about what happenned, when you are ready. You need some type of support system. You're not alone.

in the days to come and surely the years to come, do not deny yourself of the right to feel however it is you feel about it. do not deny yourself the right to express your feelings to those who care about you. do not deny yourself in anyway and certainly do NOT blame yourself. there's nothing you could have done or not done to prevent this. you take care of yourself as best you can! and if you need anything ... don't feel ashamed or too shy to reach out, ok?

Sweetie, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry. Suicidal depression blinds the person of the consequences for those who are left behind. Which doesn't mean you can't be angry, sad, betrayed, deceived- all those emotions you've described are normal.<br />
It's good to get this out. I can forward you some online support groups if you're interested in connecting with other people who've gone through the same tragedy. <br />
It's just too much for a teenager to have to comprehend. Please take care of yourself. <br />
{HuG}