My Dad

I lost my Dad to suicide just over two years ago. I was 28 when Dad died. He was 60. My parent’s marriage had been rocky for years and neither of them was particularly happy. Mum left Dad about 18 months before he died but they had remained friends and were working on their relationship. All Dad focussed on though was Mum. It didn’t seem to matter to him that he had children and grandchildren who loved him. But despite my being a grown woman I still find myself feeling abandoned and rejected by my father - why wasn’t I (and my siblings) worth living for? Why did it all have to be about Mum?  

Intellectually I know it’s more complicated than all that. I know he was suffering from major depression. He had been in a mental hospital for two months leading up to his death and had even had ECT. I’m studying psychology at university so I know the facts but still I find it hard to process my feelings. I always expected that my parents would go before me. But this just seems so blunt, cold, pointless. It seems like his journey just cut tragically, cruelly short. It was before his time.  

After it happened I found myself creating a spiritual picture of life with elements of life having a purpose, a lesson to learn, reincarnation, Dad’s spirit moving on and things like that. I found it really got me through the worst of the shock and grief. This year I have really started to look at this picture and I find it’s standing on pretty shaky ground. I don’t know that I really believe all that stuff anymore. I think I just pieced together bits and pieces which made the experience less painful for me. This year I’ve really struggled with coming to terms with Dad’s death when I’m ******** of this spirituality. It feels meaningless, empty, cruel. I know he suffered but I no longer see meaning in that suffering. So I also no longer see meaning in my suffering, in my loss.  

I’d really like to connect with other people who have also lost a parent to suicide when they were an adult. Or anyone who can relate. Do you feel any of this too?   All the words in the world couldn’t describe how I feel and what I think about this.

remember remember
26-30, F
1 Response Jun 24, 2007

It's very common to try to intellectualize a loss like this. To try to find some type of meaning. All the psychology in the world can't fully explain it or make the feelings we feel any less strong. I have my own ideas about spirituality that help me get through life in general. But it's just what helps me get from day to day and make sense of the world. I don't know what the meaning in loss is. I don't know what the meaning in life is. I wish I could say something helpful but all I can say is that I've struggled with these things too. I wasn't an adult when my parents died but I was when my brother did. I can kind of relate.