The Almost Brother

5 years ago i lost my brother to suicide. he was almost 22.  he was a student in a culinary school. we had just spoken the week before, and he was down, but it was not anything real heavy, I thought. the day it happened, our mom came over to my house for sunday morning coffee. We both decided to call him that day. that was about 11 oclock. he was dead an hour later, before I could even try to call him. my dad spoke to me for the first time in 6 yrs to tell me Drew had killed himself. i knew it was true but i just kept saying "NO!" i wanted him to be there with me so bad that day and he never knew it. he was almost done with school. and we were going to start a restaraunt together. he never had children. didnt ever do anything. just gave up in the first quarter ya know? i was 24. it broke my family. any normal anything was just gone. mom, sister, dad, wife, all of us just ruined.

and you know what? he was so popular he had to have 2 funerals and the total guests numbered around 700. not bad for a guy who thought everybady hated him. Drew was so special, and touched so many lives, and he was so self involved he never heard us say, i love you.

i hate him now.

i hate him for the broken promises his death caused.

i hate him for hurting us.

i hate him for running away, instead of asking me for help, like a brother.

i hate him because i loved him.

he killed my brother.

for that i hate him the most.
cmdmoos cmdmoos
26-30, M
2 Responses Jun 29, 2007

I'm sorry for your loss. Your brother must have been in such despair that he kept it to himself and couldn't see how much he was truly loved and cared about. Such feelings of hate and anger at your brother are normal. I've found that the anger subsides after time. Thanks for sharing your story and your pain.

I am sorry for your loss.