Everything Changes

It's been almost three years.
I've changed, moved a few times, allowed myself to grieve, move forward, grow and change...

Three years ago, I watched my sister/friend die from suicide.

It's one of the conversations that will make a room silent if you bring it up.

Most of the time, I feel okay.
I have moments where I talk to her, cry, tell her I miss her.
Sometimes I feel like she's there, catch glimpses of her in a crowd, feel her at a window, in a corner in my home, a mirror reflected in a sideways glance.

Mostly,  I know, she's gone.
I'll sometimes forget, and think about the last times we were together, the trip we took, wondering why I can not have that again. And then I am back.

I miss her.
It makes me sad. And another day goes by and I slip back into my life without her.

I changed after her death.
Something inside my system of living stopped the cogs that were my life. So I spent the last three years, making the system work again.

What happened to me was a version of Ego Shock.

Some people can understand and make sense of suicide and feel sad, and move on...I couldn't get past certain ideas, levels of grief, and i was unaware of other people for the first year afterwards...

It can be described as a "fog" -- for me, i felt like I woke up after a year and a half or so...it was like being drugged and then not being high anymore.

I remember looking around and seeing things, in a clearer way...and thinking WHERE WAS I all this time?

It was a little freaky.

Gradually I adjusted to where I was and how I felt now.

I am not the same person. I am quieter, calmer, simpler.

The social life I had is no longer there. And I'm okay with that.

I don't worry about my weight or what people think about me, what I am doing, where I am, why I am where I am etc...

It doesn't really matter.

I do what I need to do to get through each day.
Some days are fine, great, perfect.

Other days have little moments of weirdness, rememberance, tears.

There's nothing I can do to change what happened.
I have my life now.
What I have chosen, is to give myself the best possible chance at happiness, from that moment forward.

None of my choices were for anyone else, but me.
I know that now.

The rewards I received from figuring out why she died are so intensely life changing -- I can't imagine being where I am now, had she lived.

She gave me something so hard to describe, by her death, she gave me my life...because I chose to live.

Perhaps, I didn't realize how to live before.

Seeing her dead in front of me, allowed me to change my life.

I am 3 years away from that moment, but I cried the entire time I wrote this.

Some moments are hard.
Some moments are not as hard.

You are not alone, if you are reading this and have lost someone to suicide.
Even if you feel alone, think about this:
I'm sitting on my couch, on a rock by the sea, walking in the woods, hanging out in a room of people, somewhere, living through the loss of one of my best friends.

Today is just another day, and I always get through them, somehow.

So will you.

HoneyonYourToast HoneyonYourToast
31-35, F
5 Responses Jul 17, 2007

Honey and Spiritangel38, your stories are what keeps me alive - to be more precise, the thought that if I were to give in to the pain I feel, I would cause that level of pain for my family - that is what keeps me alive. I'm in a level of hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone... at the moment, I am still in control enough and can handle it enough to not inflict that on my family.

thank you so much for your story, i lost my son 29 years of age to suicide on oct23 2011 ive been desperately searching for sites where others can relate to my pain right now im just reading im not ready to tell the story ive been explaining to others what had happened that im in the space where i dont want to talk about it in length.. the pain is so deep i feel the agony inside my heart and soul, i am the one that found my son and what i am having a hard time shaking is the dream before i discovered him.. i was awaken from a sleep thinking my neighbor was calling me, i relized i was dreaming and fell back to sleep it then continued and became more pronounced, it was my neighbor yelling for me cause he was trying to stop my son from hanging himself holding him up but it took place in his garage i woke up again only this time i was going to check in on my son he slept in the living room i saw that he was up it was around 9am i wasnt all the way awake so i went into the bathroom and came out and relized that there was something different he had his wallet half opened crumpled up papers no notes and his dog tags which were from his time in the Navy i then went to the slidong door to the patio and i thought he was just standing there sad so i opened the door and called out his name, no response and it wasnt til i got closer that i relized what had happened and i lost it from there.. this dream became a reality and i agonize over it was he the one screaming out to me and it took the place of my neighbor in my dream could i of stopped this??? i go over it and over it in my head to no avail of easing the pain..the coroner explained that he had been gone for awhile but i cant shake this dream i dont understand why i had it why!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant seem to get past this...i dont know if anyone else has a simliar experience was it a mothers instinct??? i dont know i just dont know..

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My bi-polar fiance' recently committed suicide (on July 12, 09). I am absolutely devastated! I did not see it coming, plus to make it even more traumatizing, I found his body! :(<br />
I did not know he had been diagnosed as bi-polar until after he death, when his family told me. He kept a lot from me. I knew something with him was not right, but I overlooked those things because I absolutely adored him. At the beginning of our relationship he was incredible. He made me feel like the most important person in the world - like a goddess. But as time wore on, his bouts of anger began to emerge. He was also insanely jealous and very controlling. If I even mentioned an ex, he got very mad. He didn't like it when I talked to ANYONE. He was even jealous of my kids! <br />
<br />
The night before he hung himself, we had been in a spat. He left and was in his parents' house in the next town, which was abandoned. He just sat there all night drinking. He ended up drinking a fifth of Rum!! But he kept texting me "if you really love me, come to me" and "I love you" over and over. I felt like he was manipulating me, so I did not return his texts. <br />
Now I regret that to the core of my soul. I feel like if I had gone to him that he would be alive and with me right now. But my counselor told me that maybe if I came, he would have hung himself right in front of me or taken me out first and then himself. Nevertheless, the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I have since been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and have been in a psyche hospital twice.<br />
<br />
But when it was good it was incredible! He was a sweet man when he wanted to be. But he left me – knowing I had no job ) I recently been <br />
<br />
Is pathological lying a characteristic of bi-polar people?<br />
<br />
He was such a good liar that I did not even know that 3/4 of what he told me was not true until after his death. That devastated me because I feel like the person I thought I loved and wanted to spend eternity with wasn’t who I thought he was. Part of him was an illusion. He was who he thought I wanted him to be! I keep finding out more and more things he lied about and every time I hear about another lie, my heart takes another hit. It is overwhelming! I loved that man more than I have ever loved ANYONE!<br />
<br />
I'm having to grieve my baby's physical loss as well as the loss of the person I thought he was. It makes me physically ill to even think about it.<br />
<br />
I will never be the same!<br />
<br />
Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for your story - I can defintely relate.<br />
I lost my mom almost one year ago<br />
and I am the one who found her.<br />
I am new at this - but in dire need of friends and someone to listen who understands my feelings.

Thank you for sharing your story. I almost cried reading it.