Beyond Hurt

Im new to this all.. but my story is new and I thought I'd share it with you all

Sorry to all who have lost someone to suicide.. it is a pain like no other and no one will ever truly understand how you feel, my heart goes out to each and everyone one of you.

In May of this year, my boyfriend of just over a year and friend of 3 years, committed suicide minutes after we broke up.  He jumped onto a highway and was killed. I was devasted as we were so in love and I felt a huge amount of guilt.  It's been just over two months.

Last week, my good friend as well as my boyfriend's best friend, committed suicide in the same way. Again,  I went through the same amount of pain all over again. I am absolutely stunned that he would go through with this knowing what it felt like to loose someone in this way, knowing what it would do to me, his family as well as my boyfriend's family. I have come to realize- he just couldn't go on without his best buddy

Again, my heart goes out to each and everyone of you. Suicide leaves a scar that will never ever heal, only become less visible as time goes on. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem- there is no other way to describe it.

I hope everyone here understands that if any thoughts of ending their life to be with their loved one enter their minds, they need to get help so that they don't end up like my friend. He was not one to be in favour of suicide and I did not expect it from him. 

I am here if anyone ever needs to talk  

Erika32 Erika32
18-21, F
6 Responses Jul 26, 2007

I also lost my boyfriend to suicide. He hung himself April 15 2011. This has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever gone through. Its such a helpless feeling. I can't believe it will be a year soon. Do you have any suggestions or advice? Also what was the video you posted? It's not showing up.<br />
Thanks<br />
Amanda

After Kraig's suicide, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and really struggled for a couple of years. I thought I would never feel better. In July it will have been three years since that horrible day, but sometimes it feels like it was just five minutes ago. I'm so glad I'm no longer in the deep dark abyss I was in for a long time. Time helps, counseling helps and having good friends who will listen helps. I will help anyone who wants to talk get through this. It will make my hell worth while if I can help someone else.

To everyone, thank you all for your posts! It has been just over 2 years since the deaths of both my boyfriend and my best friend and Im still here. <br />
<br />
Kathy, I will not tell you I know how you feel because I did not find the bodies of either boys and thank god I didn't. I cannot imagine what youre going through! Although I can relate. Another suicide occurred (the 5th in our community in the last 2 years) and my friend found his son hanging in their garage. He is not the same person and tells me that he has the image of his son glued in his brain. <br />
I can relate to you sooo much though, if only we had texted them.. or stayed on the phone longer or told them we loved them more, maybe they wouldn't have committed suicide. I play the "what if" game everyday and after a while, you're just exhausted. I know this is hard to imagine, but once someone has made up in their mind that theyre going to committ suicide, they are set in that fr<x>ame of mind. So whether he did it on july 11th or two years from now, he had made his choice. And that's something that I still have to remind myself of when I begin to play the what if game. <br />
Its so difficult that you are not getting a positive connection with his family either. And it's very hard when decisions are made by them that you don't necessarliy agree with like taking his things away. My heart goes out to you!!<br />
I could write forever about this but it's getting a bit lengthy, but I want you to know, there will be days when you want to give up, I know that feeling, but then you lose in life. We can't give up. I'm telling you, the pain and the sorrow will always be with you, but with time it subsides and becomes easier to deal with. I like to think that this happened to me for a reason and whether I like it or not, Ive been chosen to have this happen to me. <br />
Your fiance will always always be loved by you, as my boyfriend will be to me and he will always be with you wherever you go<br />
This experience will only make you a stronger person! <br />
<br />
Xo embrace the love and support of your family and I hope you find peace in knowing that he is finally free of his mental illness and resting!<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?=Tj31k1SsaZg&feature=related<br />
--> i watch this video from time to time to remind me that im not alone.. i hope it helps<br />
<br />
Erika

I am so sorry for your loss! I can really relate to your experience. Last month on July 11, my fiance committed suicide by hanging. I also experienced the absolute horror of finding his body. He was 43. We had been sweethearts since we were 12!! I keep expecting that he will some day walk in the door after work! Then when I realize that he won't, a pang of sorrow hits me that sometimes brings me to my knees!<br />
<br />
He suffered from biopolar disorder and alcoholism. We had been in a spat the night before and he left to go to his parent's house (no one lived there). He kept texting to me that if I loved him, to come to him and that he loved me. I either ignored his texts or texted back that I was NOT going to go over there. I regret that sooooo much! The next morning when he wasn't home, I freaked out. I went to his parents' home and found him hanging from the upstairs rail! It was the most horrifying and heartbreaking thing I have every experienced. I screamed like a hurt animal, hugging his hard cold body. I kept rubbing his furry tummy crying "no, no, not my baby". I feel so much guilt for not going to him the night before. I had no clue how much pain he was in. I also felt that his texts were just to manipulate me while we were arguing. If I had gone, maybe he would be with me now!! I will never get over this! <br />
<br />
His family did the same thing that your friend's family did. Just a few days after the funeral, they came over like vultures and took everything of his!! Since we weren't married, I had no rights at all. I wasn't even allowed to be a part of the planning of his funeral! I didn't even get to sit with the family at the ceremony. I didn't know my body and soul could feel so much pain!<br />
<br />
It has been a month and a half since his death, and I still can barely function. My chest is constantly tight and hurting. Now I know why they call it a broken heart! Mine feels like it did literally break!<br />
<br />
Be strong. Surround yourself with supportive people. We will get through this. :)<br />
<br />
Kathy

I'm so sorry to hear that.<br />
<br />
I can't imagine what it would be like on you, to have someone you are in love with do that, only minutes after ending what you once had.<br />
<br />
My heart goes out to you, not only for sharing this, but having the courage to speak yet again about your traumatic experience.<br />
<br />
x

omg<br />
thats horrible im so sorry to hear about that<br />
u are SUCH strong person <br />
if that had happened to me i would have lost it! <br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
*cuddles*

My heart goes out to you for your loss. My grandfather died of a sudden heart attack 9 weeks after my father committed suicide. I understand what a double-whammy it is to lose two people you love so close together. Be gentle with yourself everyday.