I Have Frequent Nightmares About My Ex Fiancee Who Overdosed

it happened on his birthday this last November. We just broke up from  a  3 yr relationship; he was taking it harder than me b/c i broke up with him 'cuz he started doing something that i could not handle.  He moved in with his brother in a city 35 mins. away. we would talk about 2 times a week, but i tried not talking to him too much, i didn't want to complicate things 'cuz he would always make me feel so guilty when i did something wrong. i called him on the night of his 26th b-day he said he was going out with his brothers and some friends. i told him i would try to stop to see him , i was gonna be in town. well i left him a message on his cell that i couldn't make it. later about 4 somethin' in tha morning he left a message on my phone that he really wanted to see me and he didn't know if was going to ever see me again and that he loved me with all his heart and that he would miss me. at that time i didn't know that in one hour his life would come to a halt. i got a call from my aunt who I had lived with that Ryan was in the hospital, at first she was silent and wouldn't tell me why then she started crying hysterically, that's when i knew something was seriously wrong she said that he tried to overdose and was in a coma and even if i did go see him he wouldn't know i was there(i was at a friends house when she called). i hung up and drove to my house a couple miles away, i ran into the house and fell on the floor and cried for hours & hours.  i finally fell asleep and when i woke up i felt completely empty inside.  i went to see him at the hospital, that was the most painful experience in the world.  he was just laying there which was totally unlike him 'cuz he was always making people laugh and he was a local rapper so he was well known around town.  the only harder thing  i had to go through was the funeral.  i found out that his mother and his brothers were blaming me for the overdose b/c we broke up and he kept threatening to his family that if i didn't love him anymore that it wasn't worth him living anymore, he thought people seeing him hurt and depressed was a burden on them. so the funeral was hard for me to even go to 'cuz his mom didn't want me there. i was advised not to make a scene there and if she asked me to leave that's what i had to do. well that didn't happen so i also went to grave sight  and seeing his 2 children, 7 & 6(at the time)that i was very close to was even more heart breaking. i didn't want to leave that grave, i felt like there was so much i needed to say to him and apologize and tell him i did still want to marry him, but it was too late. i did apologize to him at the hospital and prayed for him to come back they pulled his life support 1 hr. after i left. every since that day i realized what it felt like to lose something that you never think your gonna lose. anyways i have been having recurring dreams and nightmares about him b/c i feel like if i would have seen him the night of his b-day he wouldn't have overdosed; it's not really that his mom and brother blame me.



ryansgirl ryansgirl
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2007

Please accept my deepest sympathy and condolences. <br />
I am astonished that his family would blame you when they had all the signs and did nothing about it. My brother took his own life just before his birthday without showing any signs. I too was suppose to go out with him on his birthday but thing can up...always seems that way but when I look back what Iwas doing was not that important. I will always regret not being there for my brother but time does make life tolerable. Hang in there and know it wasn't your fault we are all responsible for our own lives as your ex was responsible for his.<br />
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