Best Friend, Gone Forever

I don't really know where to begin.  I met him in high school.  We were soul mates really... Being with him was like being around my other half.  He was just so sad... so lost in this crazy world.  I always thought that he would do it someday.  That there was a chance, but no matter how prepared I thought I was for it, when I got the phone call my whole world came crashing down in my head.  I caved in.  He was gone for over two months before they found his body in a corn field.  I thought he had just left, gone somewhere...  It was his 18th birthday when he did it.  Just over three years ago now.  And I still don't know what to do or how to deal with it.  I thought maybe if I got on here, and someone somewhere knew what I was going through could just understand... Someone who knows that pain... and all the unanswered questions that come along with suicide... well maybe we could help each other...  The pain never does get better does it?  The what ifs and the guilt never go away.....

augustafunk augustafunk
22-25
5 Responses Mar 28, 2009

I am so sorry for your loss! I can really relate to your experience. Last month on July 11, my fiance committed suicide by hanging. I also experienced the absolute horror of finding his body. He was 43. We had been sweethearts since we were 12!! I keep expecting that he will some day walk in the door after work! Then when I realize that he won't, a pang of sorrow hits me that sometimes brings me to my knees!<br />
<br />
He suffered from biopolar disorder and alcoholism. We had been in a spat the night before and he left to go to his parent's house (no one lived there). He kept texting to me that if I loved him, to come to him and that he loved me. I either ignored his texts or texted back that I was NOT going to go over there. I regret that sooooo much! The next morning when he wasn't home, I freaked out. I went to his parents' home and found him hanging from the upstairs rail! It was the most horrifying and heartbreaking thing I have every experienced. I screamed like a hurt animal, hugging his hard cold body. I kept rubbing his furry tummy crying "no, no, not my baby". I feel so much guilt for not going to him the night before. I had no clue how much pain he was in. I also felt that his texts were just to manipulate me while we were arguing. If I had gone, maybe he would be with me now!! I will never get over this! <br />
<br />
His family did the same thing that your friend's family did. Just a few days after the funeral, they came over like vultures and took everything of his!! Since we weren't married, I had no rights at all. I wasn't even allowed to be a part of the planning of his funeral! I didn't even get to sit with the family at the ceremony. I didn't know my body and soul could feel so much pain!<br />
<br />
It has been a month and a half since his death, and I still can barely function. My chest is constantly tight and hurting. Now I know why they call it a broken heart! Mine feels like it did literally break!<br />
<br />
Be strong. Surround yourself with supportive people. We will get through this. :)<br />
<br />
Kathy

I am so sorry for your loss! I can really relate to your experience. Last month on July 11, my fiance committed suicide by hanging. I also experienced the absolute horror of finding his body. He was 43. We had been sweethearts since we were 12!! I keep expecting that he will some day walk in the door after work! Then when I realize that he won't, a pang of sorrow hits me that sometimes brings me to my knees!<br />
<br />
He suffered from biopolar disorder and alcoholism. We had been in a spat the night before and he left to go to his parent's house (no one lived there). He kept texting to me that if I loved him, to come to him and that he loved me. I either ignored his texts or texted back that I was NOT going to go over there. I regret that sooooo much! The next morning when he wasn't home, I freaked out. I went to his parents' home and found him hanging from the upstairs rail! It was the most horrifying and heartbreaking thing I have every experienced. I screamed like a hurt animal, hugging his hard cold body. I kept rubbing his furry tummy crying "no, no, not my baby". I feel so much guilt for not going to him the night before. I had no clue how much pain he was in. I also felt that his texts were just to manipulate me while we were arguing. If I had gone, maybe he would be with me now!! I will never get over this! <br />
<br />
His family did the same thing that your friend's family did. Just a few days after the funeral, they came over like vultures and took everything of his!! Since we weren't married, I had no rights at all. I wasn't even allowed to be a part of the planning of his funeral! I didn't even get to sit with the family at the ceremony. I didn't know my body and soul could feel so much pain!<br />
<br />
It has been a month and a half since his death, and I still can barely function. My chest is constantly tight and hurting. Now I know why they call it a broken heart! Mine feels like it did literally break!<br />
<br />
Be strong. Surround yourself with supportive people. We will get through this. :)<br />
<br />
Kathy

I lost my mom to suicide about 2months ago.... The pain doesn't go away but if can get better.... not right away that is for sure.... over time though you will be able to live... I hope that this helps somewhat... If you want to talk let me know!!

I understand how you feel! I lost my uncle a few years ago, and yet the pain never leaves...

I've lost anyone to suicide, so I'm not quite sure how it feels. But I know how it feels from his point of view. I tried commiting suicide in Feb. 08. I felt as if no one cared, no one wanted me.. I was so depressed and unwanted. Like no matter what I did I was better off dead. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like that, and I'm sad to here he didn't get passed that feeling. That's why I'm currently writing a book about my expierence to help depressed and suicidal people. If you have any questions or just want to talk... I'm here