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I Was Waiting Until I Was Ready to Write This,,,

 

 

 

 

                               A Dedication To Maddie

                                        1986-2003

                        (My friend, My Sister, My Angel)

Ok this is probably going to be a lengthy post…So you’ve been forewarned. This was the first experience I ever added to my profile…but I have never been able to share my story… I will give it a shot now. Seems like I can only write about the deep issues, early in the morning…When I haven’t had any sleep…It’s easier, I think. Because after I get this out. I’ll be out, It’s just too emotionally exhausting to relive...

 

I lost my best friend to suicide. We we’re inseparable. We had a bond of blood sisters. I never had any siblings, and I considered her family. I met her in 1st grade. She was there for me during my toughest times…during and after my parents divorce, My grandfathers illnesses, My mother’s near-death automobile accident…Through all my lows.

I’ll skip.. to High school. We both started out in high school on the athletic teams, in the school choir…

We both fell into the party/drug scene as freshmen, and we changed for the worst…We had our fun times, but it was all pretty self-destructive. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, She was also a cutter. I get chills while writing about her…as if she is over my shoulder reading this…I can almost feel her presence.

Skipping to my junior year in High school, I went to a Tech. school for Sports medicine and physical therapy. So we were in different schools. I was hardly ever in school, I loathed it! I would not show up for weeks. Eventually, I dropped out. After I had dropped out of High School. I went from being super social, popular, the life of the party.. to alienated, loner, anti-social.

I isolated my self from all my friends (including Maddie) I just wanted to get away from everyone.. I was on a road to hell…and I just needed to get my life on track, and focus on me. And that meant staying away from all my old friends…that led me into temptation. I wanted to get away from that scene, even if that meant being alone. A lot of my friends reached out…but eventually stopped trying. A lot of them never knew what happened to me. I went from always being on the scene to disappearing. A lot of them thought I was in jail, rehab, or I was dead.

During this time of trying to help myself… Maddie tried to reach out to me. She sent me a letter…Little did I know that this piece of paper would be the last time I heard from my best friend. I want to share this letter in my story, I want to write it out. No one has ever seen this letter but me and her. I never shared it with anyone. It is very personal and sacred to me. Although, it made me feel guilty for MANY years…and I’m sure when I read it again…the guilt will come back…but I want to get this out. I’ve been to a few counselors who could never help me with this…

I will find the letter in my old folder…She was 16 when she wrote this.

**I have decided upon writing this, not to share the letter…I’ve decided it’s better to leave that sacred, between just us two* …SORRY

 

 

She was crying out for her best friends help, and I wasn’t there. It’s not that I deliberately didn’t get in contact with her. I wrote her many letters, but never sent them. I was a wreck myself! How could I save anyone, when I couldn’t even save myself? I was on the brink of suicide too…We always went through everything together. We should of got through our depression together. I felt like I was being SO selfish…

It's normal for anyone to loses a loved one to suicide to blame their self… They say, "If I would of done this…If I could’ve done that, maybe I could of saved her."

But this wasn’t her first attempt…

I miss her SO much. When she died, I felt like I died. I will never be the same. Everyone that has met me after her death…knows a completely different Anna, than I was before her death…It changed me in SO many ways.

She was on 4 different anti-depressants and she was also doing drugs, and drinking with them. She wasn’t in her right mind, when she did it. I truly believe that she thought someone would find her… She hung herself from a metal pipe…in the basement/laundry area. She did it with her whole family home…

If she really wanted to die…why would she do it when everyone was home? Her little sister came down stairs…and witnessed the horror. I can only imagine that, that vision will haunt her the rest of her life.

Her dad rushed down, and cut her lose from the pipe. I don’t know what her condition was at that point. But they life flighted her to Children’s Hospital where she remained in intensive care, hooked up to machines…that kept her barely alive. She was gone… Mentally. The doctors said…There was No brain function…That she was a vegetable.

I found out about her suicide via a voice message on my home answering machine. The girl that left the message..I didn’t trust, She was a known compulsive liar. So when she left the message on my machine, that Maddie was dead. I thought it was a sick joke… I was furious. I couldn’t’ believe it. My mind was unable to fathom such news. From there on out a lot of things turned into the blur of SHOCK. I found out it was true...

I got a call from the hospital… A bunch of classmates were there, they said that Maddie’s mother was asking for me, and wanted me to come up to the hospital. I tried to go…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t face seeing her that way… I couldn’t bare it. I wish I could have been there for her mother and family… All I did was cry and pray…cry and pray… Days went by… I wouldn’t eat, sleep, talk. I just cried and prayed. Until, I felt it…before I even got the call… I knew she was gone. We had such a connection, such a bond. I just knew. They took her off the machines, and let her go with the Lord.

I could barely go to the showing…It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, in my life. It all felt like a dream. I was still somewhat in the denial stage. I thought just maybe this was all a hoax…and she was going to pop out with that huge smile and attack me with a BIG hug, like she always did. I found out this wasn’t going to happen when I saw her baby sister. She came up to me in the line. She was being SO strong…I held onto her tightly. I don’t remember much of the exchange… because there were so many people hugging her.

One of Maddie’s Aunts grabs me out of line…and say’s “you must be Anna, I’ve heard so much about you” Maddie had tons of friends there…but everybody knew me as her BEST friend. Someone hands me a big photo album that was found in Maddie’s room. It was a photo album she had made…of just Me and her. It was a scrapbook of sorts…It had cards, letters, pictures, all our memories. This was all too overwhelming.. I was praying the whole time I was there, to make it through. I nearly fainted…

My mother was there with me, for support…But also, Maddie was like a daughter to her… My mother cry’s at the littlest things…She is VERY sensitive..SO she was a mess. When I got up to the casket Her mother was at the head of the casket…She was hugging people and they gave their condolences. She wasn’t crying at the time… Until she saw me. She saw me and she grabbed me SO tight and she lost all composure, that’s when I lost it. There was a huge line behind me…of people that came for the showing…but I was up there with her mother, her older step-sister, and OH God her little…niece.. Broke my heart,,, It’s hard to write this..(I knew the waterworks would come while writing this.) Her little niece was holding Maddie’s hand in the casket..she just kept patting it..and saying “Maddie’s gone to heaven”…So sad.

Once I got up to the casket I could feel Maddie’s embrace. Her Mother could feel it too. Her mother said; “She doesn’t want to let go“…(crying) and she didn’t..she didn’t want to let go of me.

Her mom sobbed in my ear, and was saying.. My baby, my baby… Why? Why? I felt like there was absolutely nothing I could say to her in that moment. But I know she was glad I was there…she just held onto me. Her older sister turned to me and a bunch of Maddie’s classmates and Said “Don’t ANY of you ever do this..you hear me! All these people that are here for Maddie, they’d be here for you too, Maddie didn’t’ realize, how many people loved her” She said; “If any of you ever feel like doing something like this call me…day or night”

Once you got a little past the casket, there was a picture of Maddie blown up. It was her prom picture.. One of the last times I saw her, She had shown me that dress…It was beautiful! I was sooo overwhelmed. I hadn’t seen her dad anywhere. I was just about to leave, but somebody stopped me and said, “NO, Tim really wants to see you.” I saw her Father in the hallway. I was probably closer to him than anyone in her family. He was kind of like a father figure to me. He hugged me and tried to talk to me and keep his composure…I could tell it was really hard for him to see me, knowing how much Maddie loved me, and I loved her.

He told me something that I will never forget, Something that Maddie had told him. She told her father “No matter how long Me and Anna go with out seeing each other, it could be 20-40 years..She will always be my BEST friend” He told me this…because he knew that we had drifted a part a little bit, but he was letting me know that it didn’t matter…that we had a bond that would tie our hearts together forever. When he told me that he started to cry…and he walked away…

The funeral…I don’t want to go into it all. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make it there. But I knew I would forever regret it if I didn’t go. Still, the hardest thing. I was one of the last ones in the small church…It was full…every seat…people were crammed in standing on the sides of the walls. When I walked in, as soon as someone saw me…they whispered to the person next to them. I felt pretty awkward…because it seemed like everyone was looking back at me.

I stood all the way in the back of the church, against the wall. Wearing my sun glasses.

The girl, who left the message on my answering machine telling me Maddie was dead…walked me up to the casket to say my last goodbye. I had an envelop of a letter I wrote, along with a couple poems, and MY half, of our Best Friends necklace. (ohhh my heart is aching)

No one seemed to be hugging the family after they went to the casket… They were in the front row. I did.  Her little sister had kept as strong as she could during the showing…but she was crying uncontrollably at the funeral. It was an open casket…it didn’t look like Maddie at all, and that is not the image I keep of her. That is why in hindsight…I’m glad I couldn’t stomach going to the hospital. I wouldn’t of wanted to remember her that way…

Then it was to the grave yard for the burial…This was a VERY small town.. The graveyard was right across from our Middle school…The school before everything changed…We were the closest at that school, and had some of our fondest memories. The graveyard where she is buried is where are PE teacher made us run our mile. We would run laps around that cemetery.

I prayed the whole time that I could just make it through this dark day…I didn’t stay around after they put the casket in the ground.. A lot of people came up to me…

I was kind of in my anger phase… I didn’t want to hear what her “so called friends” had to say to me.

One girl grabbed my arm…we put a flower on the casket, then she kissed the casket(she must have been Catholic)

Maddie had joined this church before she died…She joined the youth group and was a leader…Just like me, she was trying to get out of the tangled web… she got caught up in…. She was trying to get herself back, away from the drug scene.

It’s been a long process, dealing with her death. Like I said before when she died…My future died. We had planned to do So many things together after high school. It was our senior year. We had planned to go to California to be on the Price is Right, lol

We planned on getting an apartment together. We both talked numerous times about going half on a boat…We would spend countless days at the creek…fishing..walking..talking...

We were both at peace and at ONE with the water. She was my life. I wanted to die with her. We had been through everything together. I thought “We need to be together” 6 years later… I still feel the same. We need to be together… I still feel lost with out her. I will NEVER have a best friend like her.. No one can take her place…She is still alive in my heart.

After her death…I had SO many realistic dreams…That she was buried alive. I had dreams that she faked her own death. My dreams were SO real that when I woke up I really thought she was ALIVE, and that I dreamed the whole thing up. It was So real that these feeling and thoughts would last for days. I really believed that she was still alive, and it all was just a bad dream. She has come to me in dreams many times. Not recently though. But she probably will now, that I am reliving all this.

I’m looking at a picture of us, right now. Her pretty brown doe eyes…her cheeks, her smile. We were so happy together. I’ll never reach that kind of happiness again. I think I better stop… I don’t want to get on my kick I get on when I talk and think about her to much…It makes me want to join her. I am still overcome with guilt for hibernating, and not visiting her family, and being there for her little sister. Because I know if it was me, She would have been there for my mother, she would have checked on her…and came around. I haven’t seen or talked to her family since the funeral. I’ll go to her grave on her B-day, The day she passed(March 11th), and on Christmas. It was too hard to keep in contact with her family…especially when I am NOT completely stable, myself…..

The poem I put in her casket is by an Unknown author. The title is “If Tomorrow Starts Without Me.”… (Oh now that I looked it up. It seems they might know the believed author to be, David Ramano)

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,

 

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

 

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

 

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

 

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

 

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

 

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

 

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

 

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

 

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

 

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

 

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

 

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

 

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

 

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

 

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

 


 

 ** The song in this Group, is AMAZING...Whoever posted it! That song came out about a month after Maddie passed. Good Charlotte "Hold On" that song really helped me through, man**

 

 

 

 

 

 

QueenOfHearts QueenOfHearts 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 1, 2009

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Im so sorry that this happend to you. It's a horrible thing to go through and often takes months or even years too. This story brought tears to my eyes. I'm 14 right now and last year lost 2 friends to suicide. I still feel like it's my fault that both of them are gone. I just wish they didn't do it. I have so many questions still rolling through my mind as to why they would do something like this, knowing how bad it would hurt everybody. I guess i'll never know. hope you get better... stay strong

Hey Ally, thanks for your comment. I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. Suicide is horrible at any age but 14, is just heart-wrenching. Seems like they are getting younger and younger.. Things get rough but it all passes in time.. It's definitely not your fault. I felt guilty for many years too.. Thinking there was something I could do.. Everyone feels that guilt but you can't blame yourself.. The questions in your mind will drive you crazy. I don't question anymore.. but I did for years... I hope you find some peace in your mind.. and some comfort in knowing them and the happy times you had together. I don't think they really know how much they are loved and going to be missed while they are alive.. They are just thinking about ending their own pain.. Don't realize how much it will hurt everyone.. A lot of them think everything will be better if they are gone.. Which just isn't true..but when you are depressed you hear those negative voices. Thank you again, sweetie. I think it is very strong at your age to reach out to me.. when you have lost friends too.. It will get better sweetie. My friend is still around me and she shows me signs everyday. They want US to find the happiness that they didn't have when they were here. They will always live on in your heart and all who knew them ... It's going to be almost 10 years in a few months.. and I will never forget.. But the pain has eased.. I know she's here for all who loved her. You are a very bright young girl.. and I am amazed at your kindness.. Through you, your friends can carry on... Through helping others who have been through it. Continue on sweetie.. And I wish you the best. Take care. Keep being strong yourself

o.m.g queen i read you're story and i was crying so hard i am sorry that you lost somebody so close to you and i truly wish you the best you're story touched my heart i read it from beginning to end and the poem was absolutely beautiful you are such a strong girl for writing this story and for trying to help others who are considering suicide i hope everything works out for you and that you find closure i at one time almost committed suicide but decided not to and you're story made me glad that i made that choice so thank you and i will never forget this

OMFG................ as I read your words, I feel you are pulling the words right out of my head. the simularities are almost to much to take in... my best friends name was Margaret ... we called her Maggie!! the only difference is that I could not bring myself to go to the funeral...I kinda regret it.... and some days I don't.... Maddies dads comments was something we always said to each other.. time stood still when we were apart but when we seen each other we started right were we left off.. but she left me behind... Her family told me if there was anyone that could have helped her it would have been you!!! which killed me because I didn't try......never ever ever would I think she would leave me behind like this..

My best friend commited suicide by hanging herself in her closet with her sheets, she shared her room with her twin sister and when she left for work in the morning she lockd herself in the room. About 8 am her boyfriend or ex boyfriend showed up at her home becuz she wasnot answering her cel. Thats when her mother found her. This was june 15th 2011 When i read your story i cried my heart out. I swear i felt that maybe i had written it myself. THATs EXACTLY how i was with yadi, she could be busy with work and i dont see her for months but still our bond was so strong it didnt matter. Guilt... its a waste of time but so hard to avoid. This was her first time trying and she succeded. She was the Last person i thought would do this. A very pretty, social, logical, smart person. I knew her since 7th until we were 25th.She was an unbelieveable pianist. we studied in a music school from 7th to 12th grade where you were from 7 am- 5 30 pm so you can imagine how much time we spent. We were a very tight group of 7 girlfriends. From the twins i was closest to her becuz she was more outgoing at the moment. She was the one to go to for help with math. She was a straight A student from 1st grade thru her bachelors in accounting. Then she got caught up with her 2nd serious relationship and she alienated herself, we never met the guy but all of us girls had a strong gut feeling he was an *******, he didnt liek sharing her, i went thru this too but when i was 22- 23. When i got out of my "first love" relationship ( 2nd boyfriend) i was so so ashamed of burning bridges and i slowly started to hesitate of losing my friends, i would call her n text her n call n text her but she would never answer. My relationship with him ended but she was starting with her new boyfriend. When we would celebrate the twins birthday only Yani would come. The first Birthday she didnt come to We didnt bother yani much about it and i was going thru a very hard situation becuz i was raped and wasnt paying too much attantion but the SECOND birthday which was 2011 we were basicly hounding yani and she did admit that she was a bit depressed this was may 11th. June 15th i get the call she's dead . Same as you... I did not beleive at all she was. We were only told that yadi is dead not how,,, we though her bf had killed her or that he drugged her too much. She was not into drugs but he was. Several days after it came out in the news that a young woman who had recently killed a man in a car accident had hung herself. It wasnt her fault though. her father was there with her but she was driving and a guy on some sort of tractor basicly got distracted and headed towards her. We did not know this and I was telling my friends to not believe it becuz she would NEVER do something like that to her family. .. but she did. After days on trying to reach her twin sister all of us girls decided to head to her house, we were affraid of not being there. we also we aprehensive of bothering the family since they were always very discrete and very private. when we did i think it kinda shocked the family a bit but yani wasnt there, her boyfriend took her to a basketball game to distract her. Her mother called her and said "all of your friends are here" when she talked to us on the phone i could feel just how much she appreciated it and it was all worth it. So we only got to give our condolences to her mother and older sister who looks exactly like yadi, more than ever becuz she had lost weight (bith twins have modl like bodies). She had also studied piano & violin in the same school. As we are walking away i felt we needed to hurry for some reason but one of our friends was taking a long time getting into the car, all of a sudden i heard a beautiful classical piano song playing, it was her older sister but it felt like yadi and all looked at eachother with tears starting to overflow our eyes. i was driving and it took me a while to calm down. After that day yani was ale to talk little by little about it and it still shocks me that she did do it. We dont really know why exactly, we believe the relationship she had with her boyfriend was the cause and till this day he sends her text messages that he wants a friendship with her and that he wants to show his love thru her... as if he could replace yadi with yani... i knew he was an *******. I still blame him although she did plan it... it was a decision she made and i have no other choice to accept it. im still working on embracing it... thats gonna take some more time. After reading your story i cried out of gratitude as well because I do have friends that know exactly what im going thru even thoigh there not in the same country as me at the moment, it has brought us closer together. I wouldnt be surpised if even after so many years her mom and her family would recieve you with open arms. Grieving process is different for different people, the stages are basicly the same but the lenghth of each step and how many times you visit a previous step can vary as much as the patterns of a snowflake. Thanks for you post. XO

i would be terribly on edge if i got that call. omg bless your heart i dont even know what to say. keep your head up, visit her family, and live your life for you and her.<br />
<br />
**Best Wishes**

Thank you for sharing this story, it really touched me. I am so sorry for your loss, I to know the pain of losing a good friend.

This was a beautiful and touching story. Thank you for sharing. It helped me in ways that no one will ever understand. And I'm very sorry for your loss.

Just read your story. I broke down in tears after reading it. I have been going through depression at the moment and have considered suicide at times but your story brought to home the impact of the suicide on the people who love you. That was the saddest part for me, imaginging that funeral scene and all those sad people particularly the desc<x>ription of the mother and fathers reaction. I think you are very strong and brave for being able to share this with people. I hope things get better for you. As long as you remember her I think she will always be in your heart and you will be best friends forever. Although you blame yourself for what you did not do you, still were her best friend in life and that is an amazing thing to do for someone, to be their best friend.

oh and y are so lucky to have a close friend i would thing she thought about u in her last moments i hope u understand why she did what she did im so saaaaddd right now but at the same time it gives me some comfort that she is not hurting anymore(i cry as i write this)

toke me over an hour to read because crying so much because know what it like to want to die and depression ....happy that she is no longer pain sad that she didnt couldnt get help makes me sooooo sad and at the same time....i would traid places with her.your storie has made me so sad but more glad that u could share your storie it has moved me in so many ways

i want to start by saying im so sorry for your loss and for anyone else that has lost someone to suicide. this story was really amazing i almost cried and that is huge cause i never cry or come close to it. im also really proud of u for haveing the strength to finally write this and get it off ur chest i can just imagine how hard it must of been. i wish u and her family all the best.

Hey, thank you rjastein... I'm always so touched when someone takes the time to read this story and comment. It means a lot to me... the most important thing I've ever written on here.. So thank you.<br />
<br />
Awww ((hugs)) I feel for you honey.. I couldn't imagine losing three family members that way. I'm SO sorry for loss, as well. Your too sweet thank you for your thoughts... It did help writing this... but I don't know if there will ever be "closure".. I hope one day... I can be at peace with it all. Even though I miss her dearly.. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore with the ills of this world.<br />
I know she's in a happier place than I am. I just can't wait to be reunited again:)<br />
XxxxxX

Thank you both so much.... *takes in your comfort* Xxx

Oh, sweetheart... *says nothing more, just holds you close*

I am so sorry sweet heart

My heart weeps after reading this. Thank you for sharing this. I had counseling and was able to let go of my guilt over a situation where I lost someone I loved so much and I hope one day you can let that guilt go. My heart touches yours and my eyes are filled with tears but I cannot let them go or I will relive my past as well. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. <br />
<br />
<br />
I don't remember if I spoke of my first boyfriend who hung himself on here but something I just don't talk about often. <br />
<br />
I was also a cutter and had a troubled upbringing so I know how that is.

Thank you so much Eternal, for taking the time to read it all the way through! It means a lot! <br />
((BIG HUGS to YOU))

I read your story till the end. ((hugssss)) Be strong...for Maddie.

Thank you so much truly sweetmeisje. I just read your story and I equally feel honoured to have been able to read something so deep and personal. I really just wanna give you an emotional hug right now, girl. It is overwhelming to be brought back to that place.. painful..and sometimes guilty. Just mix of emotions, like you said. I admire your strength SO much too, sweetie. Hugs hugs and more hugs. <br />
<br />
Yes the letter and the poem.. are all very sacred... I don't know if I'll ever share with anyone the letter... But the poem yes... I sent that a long with her... it's a very beautiful poem. Sometimes I don't know if the grieving will ever end... It's been 6 years..<br />
<br />
Ever since her death.. I have felt an urge a burning purpose inside of me.. to be able to talk to young teens. I;m getting ready to take some online college courses to try and get a BS in Psychology.. Maybe someday.. I'll be able to help others. The way I feel about the prevention of suicide is very passionate. I just wish I could get out of my own depression long enough to be strong.. and help others... thats my hope..my dream.Thank you SO much for commentin, sweet... thank you.xxxx

and the poem... wow I am so overwhelmed... <br />
X to you.

oh... I have so many mixed feelings for reading this. Losing someone this important in your life to suicide is so big and terrible... and yet, the way you generously shared your story (I'm glad you kept the letter for Maddie's and your eyes only)... I just feel so honored somehow for having read this, something so personal and deep... feeling so close to you, and witnessing how you are still here, despite the guilt, the depression, the numbness. Right now, I can only say I admire you, and want to hug you...

She is VERY lucky to have a friend like you Mocha to help her through. A lot of people wouldn't go that extra mile like you have... I commend you for that. Small things to others, seem impossible to get passed.. for someone with major depression. like you said.. It's very nice of you to be there for her like that... It's very touching. <br />
It takes a special friend... to make that sort of commitment, to care enough about someone. I am glad she seeks your help, as well.. A lot of people just stay to theirself when they are depressed like I do.. I just want to shut out the whole world... It is far better to reach out... I am sure you are an angel to her... I admire you... Thanks for sharing ((hugs))

Thanks so much for sharing this story Queen. There's nothing worth ending your life over. The problem my friend had wasn't even something that i would lose much sleep over but in her depressed state,it seemed SO HUGE to her. We've started solving it now,one step at a time and she's seeing things in a much better perspective,i hope. <br />
I put her number on my account so i can call her for free.We just had another night where i left the phone line open while she was sleeping so she could hear me and my roommates' routine boring sounds:) and me moving around just so she knows there're people in the background and if she needs help or just to talk,she can just call out my name(she lives alone and in a different Province).

WOW thank you SO much! I never realized sharing my story would have such an impact on someone.. I'm so happy right now! You made my week! <br />
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I have been on the otherside too... wanting to commit suicide... but I look at Maddie and say I couldn't cause so much pain to my Mother..mostly.. and I'm sure there are others who truly care about me... It's like taking your own life...takes soo much away from the world..and you don't even realize it. How much pain you would leave...<br />
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Thank you SO much for reading moonlightt! God bess you too! take care my dear! keep being strong and holding on! Nothing is worth ending your life... All things shall pass in due time. * your sister in spirit* ~Queen

your story brought me to tears. I sympathize with you. Although i was on the other side, i tried to commit suicide but failed. This story made me realize the hurt one goes through in the process. and how devastating it is to a love one. It has given a hope to continue on living.<br />
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thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. it brought me to tears. :) god bless

Awee Thank you SO much for your compassion Mocha ((hugs)) My friend Maddie... Everyone thought her talkings about suicides were for attention... You always feel like you could of done something...NOt ignores their crys for help. What a story...wow. I'm so GLAD they got your friend stableized... It does make you a lot more empathedic... Yeah it took me awhile to forgive myself...and I still go through bouts of guilt. It's a lot of responsibility as a person, as a friend to have someone's life in your hands...when maybe all they need is your hug, smile, or just your presense. Thanks for commenting and sharing Mocha39. ;)

I have cried out my eyes reading this.*Hugs*<br />
My friend tried to kill herself last week. She had pissed me off the evening before so i ignored her calls. She even sent me a text saying she was sad and wanted to talk to me. I still ignored it(she does practically anything to get attention). She sent me another text saying i won't believe what she just did and i replied saying she shouldn't do anything stupid and should stop bugging me. <br />
The next text and calls i received was from her friend saying she was rushed in an ambulance to a hospital. She drank a bottle of activator for chemical hair straighteners. I was in shock. After they had flushed it out of her stomach and she was stable,i called her and asked her to just keep the phone open after we talked. I stayed up all night listening to her breathe . I would never had forgiven myself had someone not found her. It has made me so much more empathetic. When i see someone looking sad,even when i'm not sure and the person is a complete stranger. I just say something nice or smile. Who knows who is going through what

Thank you both for your extremely caring words! It was very hard to write...esp. in the detail I put into it..It was like re-living it over again. After I wrote this story, I was pretty depressed cried the whole day after writing... but I think it was worth it to finally put it down in words... I've been wanting to share for awhile now. Thank you SO much kanada & xosmiiileox! She is still here with me! I'm glad to see that it touched somebody.. That's SO awesome! *Hugs*

i'm so sorry. that must've been so hard to right, i know i couldn't do it.. you're so brave. especially for keeping yourself together after she was gone. i know if that happened to me, i wouldn't be able to continue living, i just couldn't handle it. but i admire you, and you're story was so sad.. i cried. she's still with you though, i know she is.

thank you for sharing your story as i can understand how hard it was for you. as cc wrote there are no words of comfot i can write, but her momorie will live on through you and those who read this story. again thank you for sharing and wud be happy to chat anytime x