My Mother Killed Herself When I Was 15

My mother has been the only parent I have ever known. She got pregnant with me when she was still in high school and her boyfriend just disappeared. She raised me on her own, but it was really hard. I always felt she hated me for ruining her life like that. She never hugged me or told me she loved me. She was almost always miserable and if she'd drink to much she got very agressive. If I annoyed her, she´d hit me and sometimes she just locked me in a room for some hours, just to have some 'peace'. As a little child, I always wished I'd never been born, so my mother wouldn't have suffered and I was always scared to do something that would push her over the edge. One day she figured she just couldn't deal with life anymore. I was only 15 years old and was the one who found her. Sometimes, I still wonder what exactly made her do it on that day and if I could have done anything to prevent it.

xBridget xBridget
26-30, F
5 Responses Oct 15, 2009

Im new in this site, but just wanna say I know what you've gone through. My mother killed herself about a week before my 15th birthday. I was alone and didn't know what to do, My older brother and sister both blamed me for not takin care of her. I later moved with my friend to New Orleans, I blamaed myself for everything. To this day I still have that voice in the back of my head telling me I shoud've done more. But, please know you did nothing wrong.

Please know you did nothing wrong. Your mom was a very unhappy person and as a child you had NO control of any of her decissions. Please allow yourself sure deserve to be happy sweetie.

You did NOTHING WRONG. I wish you a happy, fulfilling life full of good things.

oh selfless you are ...your childhood must have been horrific but your only concern is for your must have a huge heart.....<br />
catsoul is right you have to stop feeling guilty ...your mothers actions and behaviour were not caused by you ....some people just can't cope....<br />
she must have loved you and wanted you ...otherwise she would have given you away at birth ......<br />
it seems to me that she stayed with you until you reached an age where you may be able to take care of yourself..<br />
and then she left you<br />
your mum would have been the same even if you weren't born.....its not your fault just took the brunt of her didn't cause it<br />

I am sorry you lost your mother to suicide. It sounded like she struggled with depression for many years. I lost my mother when I was only 6 to suicide. I blamed myself for almost 20 years until I realized as a child we have little control over what our parents do. It is never the survivors fault. Depressed people that are in extreme pain are looking for relief from the pain. I had to learn how to love myself on my own to let go of the pain.