My Little Girl...
This is such a hard thing to do. And honestly... I thought I would never be able to share something so hurtful and one of the causes of this terrible state I'm in... but I just read the story of one of my new EP friends, and have the feeling (can be mistaken) that finding the courage to try to put all the messy feelings into words, and then probably getting comments from people who have suffered something similar, or who just happen to read and feel touched can help. At least I hope so...
What can I say about my lovely daughter? Well, I met her when she was five. She was my hubby's niece and we decided to adopt her because she had just lost her mum to cancer and had no one else to take care of her.
That same year we had adopted his grandson, T, a one year old who came into our lives and had already changed them completely for good (but my little boy's another story...)
So suddenly, when we picked A up at the airport we were a complete family. And it was so good.
That first evening the little girl was very nervous and scared. She did not speak the local language, (or any of the ones I speak) so we had to communicate through my hubby, who by the way, did a great translating job. After dinner, I played one of my favorite songs, and dedicated to her: L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole, and she loved it!! She was not nervous anymore and she was even trying to sing and dance, and I hugged her for the first time.
She was the best big sister for T, always protecting and caring for him, and pretty fast we were already talking to each other.
Hubby was in charge of telling T a bedtime story, so I was the one hugging and kissing her every night. We spent a long time chatting, and once I asked her to tell me about her mum. She surprised me "I can tell that I love you, mum"- "well, but I meant your "real" mum" -"but you ARE my real mum, and I love you, and I cannot thank you enough for loving me back".
I still remember that as if it happened last night. Everything, the soft pink lights in her room, the bear she was hugging, her beautiful big blue eyes staring at me, her lovely hair glowing... for sure what she told me that night changed me forever. And since then, I became a mum, and since then, decided to have another kid (some other story as well).
The years went by, and we had great moments all together, as well as some bad experiences. My poor kids contracted meningitis. T died, A got deaf and some months later, hubby got sick and blind.
After the loss of her baby brother and her hearing, hubby decided to spoil our daughter. I never agreed, but he even gave her a credit card so she could buy anything she wanted online. Despite my disagreement, I just let it happen. Didn't feel strong enough to stop anything.
Last year, on November hubby, my first love, my blue eyed sweetie passed away. We were together in a hotel, because the last months we had decided to go out and have the best time possible, so I had to go and tell A the news.
After calling the ambulance and police, I drove home and on the way was thinking of how I would tell her. But, instead of going straight home, decided to go first to the office. There I cried in the restroom, had some yoghurt, and then logged in as invisible on msn. There she was (because she always logged in on work days, to talk to me) and her tag line was "my mum and dad are the best in the world, I am the happiest girl". It just broke my heart, and I thought I would never be strong enough to tell her the truth. Actually, I was beginning to doubt myself if it was for real that he had left us.
Eventually, I had to make it home, and there she was on the door, her beautiful smile shining. "where is daddy?" My answer was just carrying her (for being a 9 yo she was still very petite) and taking her to her room.
There I grabbed her hands and told her what had happened, and hugged her. She said... "ok, we knew this would happen. dad was sick already..." But I held her tighter and cried and got her purple dress wet, and she tried to comfort me, but she didn't cry.
I kissed her forehead, and went to my own room and decided to have a long shower, lots of steam, and she said she would do the same. I was sinking in my own pain and loss, and for sure didn't know she had bought some stupid pills and stuff online... and had already written a letter explaining why she didn't want to live without her dad and brothers (T and BD, a premmie baby who lived only 40 days... another story as well).
I was dressed up again, and went downstairs to make her some cupcakes. She loved them, and I called her... and called her again, thinking she was asleep or so, getting no response.
Found her and the letter in her room...
Sorry, I cannot write or do anything anymore right now...