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My Little Girl...

This is such a hard thing to do. And honestly... I thought I would never be able to share something so hurtful and one of the causes of this terrible state I'm in... but I just read the story of one of my new EP friends, and have the feeling (can be mistaken) that finding the courage to try to put all the messy feelings into words, and then probably getting comments from people who have suffered something similar, or who just happen to read and feel touched can help. At least I hope so... 

What can I say about my lovely daughter? Well, I met her when she was five. She was my hubby's niece and we decided to adopt her because she had just lost her mum to cancer and had no one else to take care of her. 

That same year we had adopted his grandson, T, a one year old who came into our lives and had already changed them completely for good (but my little boy's another story...)

So suddenly, when we picked A up at the airport we were a complete family. And it was so good.

That first evening the little girl was very nervous and scared. She did not speak the local language, (or any of the ones I speak) so we had to communicate through my hubby, who by the way, did a great translating job. After dinner, I played one of my favorite songs, and dedicated to her: L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole, and she loved it!! She was not nervous anymore and she was even trying to sing and dance, and I hugged her for the first time. 

She was the best big sister for T, always protecting and caring for him, and pretty fast we were already talking to each other. 

Hubby was in charge of telling T a bedtime story, so I was the one hugging and kissing her every night. We spent a long time chatting, and once I asked her to tell me about her mum. She surprised me "I can tell that I love you, mum"- "well, but I meant your "real" mum" -"but you ARE my real mum, and I love you, and I cannot thank you enough for loving me back".

I still remember that as if it happened last night. Everything, the soft pink lights in her room, the bear she was hugging, her beautiful big blue eyes staring at me, her lovely hair glowing... for sure what she told me that night changed me forever. And since then, I became a mum, and since then, decided to have another kid (some other story as well).

The years went by, and we had great moments all together, as well as some bad experiences. My poor kids contracted meningitis. T died, A got deaf and some months later, hubby got sick and blind.

After the loss of her baby brother and her hearing, hubby decided to spoil our daughter. I never agreed, but he even gave her a credit card so she could buy anything she wanted online. Despite my disagreement, I just let it happen. Didn't feel strong enough to stop anything.

Last year, on November hubby, my first love, my blue eyed sweetie passed away. We were together in a hotel, because the last months we had decided to go out and have the best time possible, so I had to go and tell A the news.

After calling the ambulance and police, I drove home and on the way was thinking of how I would tell her. But, instead of going straight home, decided to go first to the office. There I cried in the restroom, had some yoghurt, and then logged in as invisible on msn. There she was (because she always logged in on work days, to talk to me) and her tag line was "my mum and dad are the best in the world, I am the happiest girl". It just broke my heart, and I thought I would never be strong enough to tell her the truth. Actually, I was beginning to doubt myself if it was for real that he had left us.

Eventually, I had to make it home, and there she was on the door, her beautiful smile shining. "where is daddy?" My answer was just carrying her (for being a 9 yo she was still very petite) and taking her to her room.

There I grabbed her hands and told her what had happened, and hugged her. She said... "ok, we knew this would happen. dad was sick already..." But I held her tighter and cried and got her purple dress wet, and she tried to comfort me, but she didn't cry.

I kissed her forehead, and went to my own room and decided to have a long shower, lots of steam, and she said she would do the same. I was sinking in my own pain and loss, and for sure didn't know she had bought some stupid pills and stuff online... and had already written a letter explaining why she didn't want to live without her dad and brothers (T and BD, a premmie baby who lived only 40 days... another story as well).

I was dressed up again, and went downstairs to make her some cupcakes. She loved them, and I called her... and called her again, thinking she was asleep or so, getting no response.

Found her and the letter in her room... 

Sorry, I cannot write or do anything anymore right now...

sweetmeisje sweetmeisje 26-30, F 12 Responses Oct 31, 2009

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This story is so sad. I crying my eyes out!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had spinal meningitis - both the bacterial and viral forms when I was 3 years old and lost most of my hearing. I feel for you, and truly hope that you have been able to find peace in your life.

I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am that you suffered not only the loss of your beautiful daughter, but the loss of your husband and sons, as well. My heart goes out to you and breaks for you. You are an amazingly strong person who has suffered so much. If you ever need a cyberhug and a cyberfriend to lean on, I am here for you. xoxoxo

This story tore me apart. I cannot stop crying.. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss .

Sweet, there is always hope, and you know you have the love and the hope of all your friends to help you....you know, I believe in some form of positive karma, and I really do believe your inner beauty will be ultimately rewarded. X

Mizz, your comments together with WIB's made me stay on this site. You both are so generous, sharing your time and courage, and sensitivity with me. When I wrote this my life was very different. It hadn't even been a year since I lost both my husband and her, and by reading a story of how Queen of Hearts lost her best friend to suicide, I decided it would be fine, and nobody would judge me if I shared it as well. I was only right... it makes me sad to sadden you, my angel, but I also feel so much closer to you all. I think often of my children, and miss them every second of my life... and you know what? Now I only wish my dream can come true and I get to have babies with the man I love. There is hope...

me too angelswings ... first time I've read it too ... just too much. ((hugs sweetmeijse))

I am reading this for the first time tonight. *angel wings embracing you close, too many tears for words*

god always has a reason for everything.maybe HE dint want them to suffer more..

This is an absolutly heart wrenching story, sweetmeisje. I know how hard it was to share.. you are very brave to re-live this all. I'm so incredibly sorry.. It just is all really too overwhleming to think about losing the love of your life and your littel girl at the same time. That kind of pain.. I cant even imagine. wow... you are very strong... I know it's not easy. I know people will read your story and be touched by it as well. *hugs* My heart really goes out to you hun. I know you must miss your family deeply, tremendously...NO words could ever express.. I know.. but they are all together, with no more pain. <br />
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I didn't even know the horrible effects meningitis had on someone... You really educated me on that... and I'm sure a lot of others don't know about it either... It sounds like a terrible disease... I feel for you and your family.. the suffering that took toll... I just don't have the words... My deepest, most sincere sympathy goes out to you, and what you've been through. Thank you for sharing your story hun... Thank you so much... I know it wasn't easy... **BIG BIG HUGS**

Oh, sweetmeisje, I'm so so sorry that you have had to endure this pain. You have been through so much, and your inner strength and fortitude is inspiring.<br />
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Take care<br />
<br />
Mizz