I Try Not To Be Angry But I Fail

For the second time I've lost someone I care about to suicide. The first was an old mentor of mine who shot himself a couple of decades ago. The other night was the second: my middle-aged brother-in-law used vehicle exhaust. Neither of these guys left notes and I can't help feel that whatever pain they must've felt was likely dwarfed by the pain that resulted from their decision. My brother-in-law was a much loved elder brother in a huge family with his own house of teenaged offspring. When I say much loved, all of his many siblings and extended family loved this guy immensely, considering him the fairest-minded and most generous of the lot. He undoubtedly had his reasons and, though I doubt I'd consider them worth ending the only life we can be sure we'll be given, I accept some of his sorrow as mine and take my place among the many who miss him.

I'm very sad but I'm also angry.

The world is a poorer place without him and he had to know it would be. I mean, he's older than I am and in my nearly 5 decades on the planet I've watched self-absorbed ******** become an increasingly large portion of the human race and I worry that despair over that perceived fact might just drive the balance further toward the jerks who are basically ruining this planet. I'm talking about those who could care less about how their neighbor is doing, the same guys who decided back in the 90's that "do-gooder" is a negative term, turning on its head the age-old value that doing good is admirable. The pervading value system is increasingly that of selfish, small-minded 13 year old children, punks who don't even consider that turning "do-gooder" into a negative label automatically turns "do-nothing" and "do-badder" into badges of honor. Am I blaming those people for the suicide? No but I blame them for just about everything else since the only solution they ever seem to come up with boils down to natural selection via wide-open free market voodoo economic... Whatever. It no longer matters, anyway, does it? One less barely-employed, highly experienced, highly skilled, good Samaritan to suck on the *** of social security when he's older, right? I'm guessing these do-badders are grinning over the prospects that more do-gooders will soon give up and follow his example, thereby leaving more for them.

I'm so angry I'm shaking but I'll never give up the fight willingly.

My anger at the do-badders isn't what's making me shake. I'm mad at my late brother-in-law. Sure, I'm mad that I couldn't help and that none of us knew. The thing is, though, it's like he's abandoned his fellow soldiers in the good fight, a fight we're clearly losing to those who don't want to make a better world but just want a better world for themselves. Sure, it's his choice and I know his pain must've been beyond anything I've known. I sincerely hope things are easier for him now. The problem is things are certainly no easier or better for those he left behind. Perhaps my anger toward him is no less slefish than that of those do-badders. Of course, I'd like to think it is but I've never been all that good at seeing myself.

Goodbye, sir. I'd like to think we could've helped if we'd known of your pain but we'll never know. Rest assured, you are very dearly missed.
AmyJack AmyJack
46-50, M
Mar 3, 2010