Agony That Still Persists

My mother died on December 12th, 2004. I was 12 at the time, I still don't like to hear my aunt talk about it. It still pains me to hear her name said so easily. I turn, walk away, and tun my ipod up a little louder. Hoping to drown out the world and drown myself in the music.
My uncle, her brother, died on April 8th of 2005. After my mother's death, I had tried to distance myself from people, so I wouldn't cry. It didn't work.
When my grandmother died in October of 2005. I managed to steel off my heart at this point, or so I had thought. Instead of crying, I got angry. I punched the wall, storming out of the funeral.
Is there really a God? If so, why is he so cruel as to not show us the cures? Why must the people we loved die? And if they must die, why do they have to die in so much agony? So much heart shattering pain? 
Yaeger Yaeger
18-21, F
1 Response Jun 6, 2011

I lost my mom was I was 9. I was in foster care and when I returned to my community @ 18. I didn't know I was searching for my mom...till one day - one o my aunties approached me and said - point blank"she not around...Brenda she's dead." I went thru yrs of searching out her life story. Soaking up every tidbit of info I could about my mom....U see I loved her and needed some kind of acknowledgement that she had recognized me in her life.<br />
Make a memorial to you mom. One u keep fr the world right now. But find things that u remember her by. Be a scrapbook. add beautiful things to it...for u and her. In building that memorial...u will see the love and release alot of ur own pain. Tears are our gift fr heal us.<br />
We're all souls - spirits on an earthly journey. And the more we remember of our soul-selves...the more comfort we can give ourselves...without having to turn to other people. No body really says the right things anyways.<br />
And as for God - he knows ur angry and upset. Confused and He's like a dad...jus tell him in ur thoughts how u feel. Cuz even when we mad...our mind thoughts... God knows our heart. Even if ur angry at him - He still loves u. God is about the only "being" we can depend on.<br />
The more u cry...the faster all that pain will go away too. And if u cry - by self ...then u won't break down or errupt in anger when others are around...cuz u already had ur quiet time.<br />
I cry cuz I miss my dad..their both gone. In fact I jus cried this morning...something someone said on Fb...jus made my eyes well up and I jus cried. We never get over missing our parents. But we can learn easer ways to comfort ourselves.<br />
My foster mom past away last yr. She came to me about a month ago...she said" Brenda I am here..with u all the time...jus in another form". (in spirit form) Now I try to picture my parents & my foster parents in my mind...good memories of them.<br />
hugs to U