Don't Come Around Here No MoreThe vital need to contradict for contradiction's sake is dying in me.
It's odd, having met so many important people through EP, that I would nearly entirely abandon it, but here it stands months since my last post, longer still since my last post of significance, and with no actual desire to share any thoughts, qualms, agonies, defeats, or triumphs except the ambivalence-tinged apathy you see before you.
Did I outgrow EP?
No, although ousting myself from the doldrums of the midwest has made finding - and being found by - interesting folk a much more common experience. No, although the bonds I've acquired with other members have made their natural progression beyond the anonymity of EP and into more personal means of communications: Facebook, Google, Meatspace (tm). No, although my interest in the human animal has not diminished with my interest in this particular internet channel.
I've just lost any and all desire to tell people they're wrong.
This isn't the kind of cynical response that would tell them they're right for being lonely, depressed, sexless, atheist, introverts. I can't even say that I don't care. I just don't want to help anyone through an overwhelming onslaught of words, anymore.
I can't change someone's life or mindset with a single witty response. I have no internal mirror to argue with in front of all of you anymore. Even if I did, I can not maintain the delusion that my dissatisfaction is with someone on the other side of the screen and not my own screaming mind.
Whenever I have helped someone here, it's been through a much more involved process. A personal dialog does much more than commenting on stories. An eight hour phone call does much more than months of chatting on EP. A one-week visit does much more than any amount of voice communication. But even living with someone will not resolve all the conflicts between two personalities, nor should it. There's a space to be respected. A space for blessed solitude and personal development.
I'm not leaving EP, because it has never been an impediment to me having that space. The most emphatic plea from my inbox will not change my mind one iota about whether its time to use EP. I've just been inactive and will likely continue to be.
Honir. Stoically, this avatar has continued accruing followers, making people think, confusing people, and occasionally ******* them off. It will continue to do so, precisely the inhuman monument to my own intellect I designed it to be. Hopefully, some of the stories will be loved. A little asynchronous human connection of the kind which only history allows. But it is history now. How I was will not be as I am. Slowly, and with assuredness, the gap between past mind and current mind will grow until my first stories are as alien to me as the average EP poster.
One day, perhaps very soon, I will go looking for this past me. I will watch what he watched, eat what he ate, play what he played, and read what he wrote. I will play the character in speech and action to mend the frayed ends in the matrix of my personality. Till then, I leave this self to you, for your entertainment, and for your betterment. A gift to secure a truce to a battle fought since the infancy of my adolescence.
Internet, you win.
Honir 26-30, M 1 Response 1 Apr 27, 2011