Baby

I can no longer feel your hands caressing my body. I no longer feel your arms around me. You're fingers don't move my hair out of the way or hold my face. I used to feel those sensations even when you weren't with me. I used to feel your spirit when I started to miss you too much. I used to feel. I'm so numb that I could barely breathe or really understand the concept of breathing. I wanna be with you so badly and saying that doesn't even make any sense bcos its more intense. I don't just want you or need you. Its more than an obsession or an addiction. Its like I cannot go on without you. Except its more than that bcos I feel like I might have already died. I'm not sure of reality any longer. Its as if you are the heart beating in my body. The only reason it still does. You're not just a part of me. I feel that you were made specifically for me. I can't accept this, you're not gone. If you were truely gone then I wouldn't feel you're presence so deeply and so mentally. I love you. I'm in love with you, I've come to the point where I know that will never fade. I talk about you as if you've died  bcos we share no physical connection. But the connection is much more than physical or emotional. This connection is spiritual. I don't just feel it all over my body I feel it in every aspect of my soul. I wish you would've killed me before you broke my heart. I wish you just would've took a gun to my head and shot me. The pain wouldve lasted less than a minute. The torture you've put me through has lasted longer than 2 years. It will last an eternity. This is real pain, the kind that scars for the rest of someones life. But if I am still a living breathing individual then I have to be honest, I'm scared I'm not going to be around as long as I originally planned. I already feel like I'm dead so why not just be dead right? I know that even if I told you or even if you saw this you would never understand the connection I have with you. I feel like the word "love" makes no sense of it. I want to make up a new word for it bcos its stronger than that. Its something I can't even understand sometimes. Its something I will probably never be able to put a name on. I've left you alone and we've stopped talking but I still talk to you and sometimes I wonder if you hear me. I can't do it anymore. I just can't go on living. Waht does anything mean anyway? Before all this there was nothing. Everything is still nothing but you gave it all a meaning. I don't know waht to do all I know is that I cannot go on living without you.   


 

 
nodopenohope nodopenohope
18-21, F
May 21, 2012