Lost Love

It's hard enough being gay in the town where I live. Even though many accept it, there are still enough to keep you down. The gay community is so fractured. Some are so generic and quintessential gay, partying and clubbing all the time with nothing but sex, drugs, and alcohol on their minds. Then you have those who are closeted, those who think they're too good for everything, and then those that just don't want to be around other gays cause of the way some are. It's been impossible to truly find someone that fits me all around. It got to a point that I almost gave up on finding someone for a while. Then I met HIM. He was from Atlanta and I had met him online. We had a mutual friend that was attending the same college I was. He had found my myspace thru hers and messaged me. The day he messaged me, this guy I was dating had just ended it with me via text. Heart broken, I almost ignored HIM altogether. However, I began messaging him. We became good friends, talking on the phone occasionally. He was with his boyfriend whom he had been with for some time then. Several months passed, he and his bf kept telling me I should come up and hang out.
Finally, one weekend I took some friends to Atlanta for one of their birthdays. One night, when they went out to this club, I went to hang with HIM and his bf. It really was just suppose to be us hanging out and having a few drinks. His bf left for a bit to go get beer and HE and I ended up making out. Later that night, I ended up in my first *********. I loved it...but only because I got to be with HIM. I didn't care about his bf in that manner and only did it to be closer to HIM. The weekend ended unfortunately. Time went on, I went through bf after bf and HE stayed with his.
Suddenly one day, I get a call from HIM....HE and his bf have broken up. HE wanted me to come see him. I did. Three days later, we're discussing a relationship that we've wanted for the longest, but not been able to pursue. Then, before we knew it, he had moved here to be with me. It was like heaven. It was a dream come true. I had everything I needed and wanted. Good friends, good job, good bf, and life just seemed unlike it had ever seemed before....perfect!
Time went by and all I could ever think about was our life years down the line. I could see us growing old together, getting a house, settling down, and maybe having a family. Things seemed to be lining up just like they should. I had never had this with any other guy. It seemed too good to be true. And it was. About a month and a half after he moved here, we went to be tested for HIV just as I do on a regular basis. Bad news....he was HIV+. My world fell apart, as did his. Did I have it?? What do we do?? Where did it come from?? Was anyone else infected?? Could we be together after all this??
Eventually, my test came back negative...but his ex's came back positive. Now what happens?? Have you ever watched a wreck happen?? It seems as if everything is in slow motion during the process. You can't do anything to stop it, just sit back and watch. This was the overwhelming feeling I had. Things kept going. We were still ever so in love. My world felt like maybe it hadn't exactly fallen apart...just a bit damaged. That was til the day he told me he was going back to Atlanta. He felt he needed to be there to support his ex, be closer to family and friends, get back in school, etc. I refused to accept his reasons or that he was leaving. The day he left, my life fell apart more than it had ever before.
It's like having seen and walked the streets of Heaven just to have been told...whoops, you weren't suppose to be here. Watching New Moon (Twilight Saga), I once believed there was no way Bella could have felt physical pains just because Edward was gone. Now, I know you can feel physical pains. Flinching at night, screaming out for him, crying cause he's not next to me....it became my sleepless nights. Such a huge emptiness consumes my soul now. He became my life, my force, my motivation to do anything. One night, after a house party at my place, I was drunk and upset. I wanted him here. I lied in my friends bed, screaming in pain, while she got him on the phone. Pain consumes my body now. He finally told me Friday that right now there was no way for him to return, that he felt he needed to be in Atlanta right now. And I feel like the last bit of light inside me exited at this point. I can't focus on anything. Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I hear some how reminds me of him and the fact that I lost him. So now I sit here in the dark, typing this, feeling the pain beginning to consume me for the night, filling the empty spots that were reserved for the pain, hoping that one day he will return to me...but for now he's a lost love.
blueeyedguy84 blueeyedguy84
26-30, M
Jul 31, 2010